To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

Some of the answer on here… I’m really surprised, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP.

I used to have a similar issue in that my older narc sister is always the priority and I found it endlessly upsetting. Whatever I did, whether career, education, achieving anything, always paled in comparison to the fact that my sister merely existed. The children were always looked after as an extension of this worship, not so much about the children themselves but more to facilitate the narc sister’s comings and goings. I don’t think asking for a heads up when they’re coming over is outlandish and entitled at all. If parents want their children to do well and be able to support themselves eventually, then letting you live there feels like a standard part of allowing this to happen. You pay your way and help out and I just don’t see an issue of living there whilst doing exams which will eventually lead to (hopefully) good income and your own place. The sister takes the piss with childcare and you’re just trying to build yourself up.

Also wanting to be able to study at the dining room table, undisturbed.

I would resent that and having to change my plans, in my home, in my retirement.

She has a bedroom to work in or can go to the library. She absolutely can't dictate what the homeowner/her dad does in his home.

@ForTealBee Just walk away and get the thread deleted. I guarantee if you’d posted as the other sister (“my rent paying other sister wants a peace and quiet to study, so I have to cut down on my 4 days per week free childcare”) you’d have got an even worse reaction. People on here are just keyboard warriors looking to put people down.

I'm glad I'm not studying now....I'd be horribly distracted by MN too...

Short shrift would be telling her that they don't want to see less of their grandchildren so she should either use headphones or find a quiet place to study elsewhere.

It isn't telling your daughter that he would always prioritise his grandchildren over her and that, after his wife, they are the most important people in his life. That is just fucking cruel.

It's also quite hypocritical because when OP has mentioned that when her exams are finished and she is working full time again, she will find somewhere to rent, he was horrified and told her that she needed to stay at home to save for a deposit.

Do you actually cost them £500 a month? If their mortgage is paid off, that sounds like a lot for your share of the bills. Do you eat with them or do you buy your own food separately?

That sounds like you excusing your parents misogyny.

Also OP does pay rent to live in her parents home.

How is it negative.

I’ll leave you to puzzle it out hound.

She also did ask of they can have the children less while ahead studies. I do think that was unreasonable BUT I don’t think anything she said warranted her father’s response. That was an awful thing to say to his own daughter.

It’s a fair assessment of the situation and not really particularly the PP bringing “negativity”

You’ve asked ‘would it be possible not to have the kids over quite as much, or could I at least have a heads up of definite date they’re coming’ and he’s heard ‘my exams are far more important than you seeing your grandchildren so this is what I want to happen’. I think both of you have worded things quite clumsily and, as a result, you’re probably both feeling quite put out with the other.

I think a pp said about parents with full on jobs finding a joy with their grandchildren that they just didn’t have the time or the energy to have with their own. I don’t think he meant that he loves you or your sisters less; you’re all his daughters. I think it was a very clumsy way of saying that he thinks you’re trying to dictate his time, tell him not to see his grandchildren as much as he usually does and he’s not having it. Yes, I know that’s not what you meant, but in the same way that he didn’t mean that you come way down his list of priorities, that was how your request was received.

Your exams are going to be over soon (good luck!) and you are suddenly going to have a huge range of choices available to you. You could decide that you can’t get over what he said, tell him you’re moving out to rent and remind him of exactly what he said and that it has changed your relationship. Or, you could accept that, sometimes, you can clash a bit (ask your mum if she thinks you’re quite similar), but that he’s helping you to be able to study and that he’s willing to help you save to buy somewhere. Because he’s your dad and he wants what is best for you. These are gifts that are going to set you up for the rest of your life. You’re going to have opportunities that simply aren’t available to people who haven’t had this support. So swallow what he said, knuckle down and save your socks off. And, in the meantime, ask yourself whether you would have got a different response from him if you’d worded your request slightly differently.

She wasn’t being sarcastic. It was a kind and well meaning comment.
You stated upthread that you tried to work full time, burnt out and wanted to kill yourself. I think it’s definitely wise to consider whether this highly stressful (even after exams) career path is for you and whether realistically you’ll be able to cope with it long term

Every so often there comes a post on these threads that make me think there are in fact still a few people in this world who can keep calm, think logically, not knee-jerk or hit out with a dramatic response, don’t want to fuel toxicity, treat humans as complicated individuals rather than writing them off with an armchair diagnosis they are not qualified to give, and basically give an indication of sentient, intelligent beings still being out there. For me this is one of them.

Totally agree with this OP.

Because you’re jumping to the worst conclusion, which isn’t necessarily what he meant at all.

He’s said that the most important thing in his life is the OP’s mum and then his grandchildren. Well, so what? He’s not talking about love here. He’s not telling the OP that he doesn’t love her or her sisters anymore. And he’s not excluding her from anything! He’s talking about what is important to him in his day to day life. The OP says herself she’s either working or studying, she gets no down time. So she’s clearly not going to play a massive role in her father’s life at the moment. The same as her sisters. He’s talking about the people who play the biggest role in his life. And that’s his wife and his grandchildren.

Do you think he’s always going to be the most important thing in the OP’s life? Do you think he’s the most important thing in the OP’s life currently? If he said to the OP, ‘don’t study this weekend, your mum and I miss you and we’d like to spend some time with you because you’re so important to us’ the OP would likely think he’d gone insane. Because they doesn’t play the biggest role in her life either. She is, quite understandably, prioritising her future. Why would they think she’d prioritise spending time with them over studying for her exams? It wouldn’t mean she doesn’t love them anymore. Simply that other things take priority. She’s 25. She’s getting ready to embark on her own life. Parents are supposed to let go and encourage their children to go out into the world. If she was still the most important thing in her father’s life, more important than the grandchildren he spends so much of his time with, then he’s done them both a grave disservice.

Yes, it was clumsily worded. But I think the original request from the OP probably was too.

@ForTealBeedid you post a little while ago about struggling with balancing work and SQE revision? I replied under my Lawyer handle but you need to be kinder to yourself OR I’ll give you the same advice - revise in blocks NOT every day, the entire time. Maybe do Mon night, Tues night, Thursday in blocks (day off to study) Saturday morning and Sunday morning. (Both only until say 1pm then be free!) You need time to yourself and will just burn your brain out otherwise. Finding a library is a great idea if you get stuck or ask the firm if there are meeting rooms you could book if you feel comfortable?

As someone with two siblings, with two kids (I’m yet to have them) I’d be very hurt if my dad said his grandchildren came before me. Id also be annoyed (looking at your other replies) if my sister ditched her children on my parents whenever she pleased, wasn’t grateful and (in my experience!) goes on like she gets zero help when she in fact drops them off with other people 4 days a week.

Your sister could be an absolute brat OR she could be struggling with her kids or marriage or “other” which is why your parents are supporting her. Heck maybe if she’s being a brat, if she moved out and got married at your age she’s thrown in their face you living there and having some support? (“Siblings” eh?!🙄)

Focus on what you can control - your own peace and these awful exams!

@WilfredsPies has actually put her finger on it. OP’s father doesn’t want to rock the boat in relation to what’s important to him now he’s retired.
Absolutely NOTHING about Love. That’s why he’s acting as if everything is fine, because he’s not aware of how OP has interpreted it.
I do think he should make adjustments for OP, but that doesn’t make him such a bad person that OP should have nothing to do with him/that her sister is the narc golden child or whatever nonsense people spout on here knowing nothing of the set up! How awful to advise reduced contact because of a one off comment.
It also comes across that OP is hugely stressed ( and not without good cause) but maybe there’s a lot of tension in the household and he snapped.

It wasn't a pleasant thing to say but it was undoubtedly a reaction to you requesting that they live their lives on your terms in their own home

Agree @WilfredsPies makes some really wise points there. Hope OP takes them on board so this bothers her much less.

I posted here recently OP about my parents helping out my brother and his kids loads, but not doing the same for me even though they come to me for favours. What was interesting was the responses telling me that the situation was fine and I should suck it up.

Whilst not all of mumsnet posters have kids the majority do. So many people here are reaping the benefits of grandparents doting on grandkids.

the fact is involved grandparents are lovely- but they should not deprioritise their kids because of grandchildren.

For £500 a month you could get a room in a flat share. Funny how rent is money down the drain, but fine when it’s lining your parents pockets. If they were asking £500 a month and putting it into savings towards a deposit for you then that would be different.

Concentrate on your exams, and then find a house share, I’d much rather a landlord profit from me than my parents.

I agree that it seems that both parties worded their request/response clumsily.

Given that you've spoken of your relationship in really positive terms @ForTealBee , Ithink it highly unlikely that your dad meant what came across to you. And it seems likely that when you make your request, he heard 'can the children come less often' more strongly then he heard 'can you let me know when they're coming'.

And all if this seems to be coming from a background of you resenting your sister, which is also complicating things.

A calm and apologetic conversation is the best way of being things. Asking the lines of "Sorry dad, I was so stressed about these exams this morning that I think I sounded more demanding than I intended. I'm not expecting you to refuse to have the kids. But if you could just let me know when they're coming, I can study elsewhere. But I'll admit I was hurt when you said that they are more important than anyone else"

This thread is peak mumsnet bullshit honestly.

OP - you've done nothing wrong. Your dad was completely wrong for saying that to you. I'd be devastated if my dad said something to me - it's so out of character for him that I'd wonder if something was wrong with him. It's truly a horrible thing to say. I understand you don't feel able to talk to him right now but I think you should when you feel you have the strength. It doesn't have to be an argument but just a discussion on why he said it and how much it hurt. You should be able to do that if he's normally a good dad like you say he is.

Good luck with your SQE. It sounds incredible stressful and you should be proud of yourself for sticking with it and trying so hard. I truly hope it goes well.

Given OP spends £500 a month (over 1/3 of her salary) for the pleasure of living there it’s not unreasonable for her to make some requests….

Same. I can only assume some of the people commenting are the “nothing matters except children” types. I deffo think the request for them to see the grandchildren a bit less was cheeky but the father’s response was so far out of line. I would be looking to move as soon as financially possible and would let him know the reason why.

Think it’s “nothing matters except my children”

They recognise they play their own grandchildren like playing cards to get favours from their parents and then get defensive when others point out the entitlement