Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

No, I'm serious. If he has the authority and ability to take your children out of the country, he could easily take them with him if he has to or chooses to leave the country. Depending upon where he would go, it can be very difficult to get children back home after a parent has taken them abroad.

Well, he definitely doesn’t have the authority to do that, we haven’t separated or anything, I think a lot of things are being misunderstood.

How is this your problem to solve? He should be moving heaven and earth to make sure he gets to stay with his loved ones.

If he isn’t, he is telling you he doesn’t care.

If he's legally recognised as their father, then he has the authority to take them out of the country. Children can travel abroad with one parent. Legally, your options to insist on them returning are then quite limited in some countries.

I don’t mean to sound harsh at all, it is the feel I am getting from an outsider.
we are talking about his life, children, wife, family. Why is he not living heaven and earth to ensure he doesn’t get deported?
pride is a cop out because when your children are on the line and your life you swallow that pride and do what you have to do.
I think he may be Abit relieved, he can go and live his old life, carefree. You are not as high on his priorities as you should be. He isn’t at all trying to ensure he doesn’t get deported. Which suggests he’s not that bothered if he does.

The panic you are feeling, the scrambling about to try and sort the money and to keep him here. Why doesn’t he feel the same way?

It sounds to me like he wants to leave. He has been incredibly rude to your family but your mother is still willing to lend him the money in return for him asking her and assurances that she’ll get it back. That’s not unreasonable given his situation and previous behaviour.

He can easily take the kids out of the country. I have travelled all over with mine and have never once been asked for proof that their father has given permission.

I spoke to him about this today. I asked him if he was feeling stressed and he no, then he said that I always fee stressed about everything. I mean, this situation is pretty complex, it’s to do with our family’s future, our kids, his own future.

I don’t understand why he’d want to leave. We’ve built so much together - am I being naive? I don’t think I am, I think I’m just trying to see things from a different angle.

You are being nieve. When will he get deported? I’d put good money on you won’t hear from him once this happens.
start to protect yourself and any shares assets, it is incredibly hard to hear and I really feel for you. But over the next few days try to think practically.

Not stressed enough to do the right thing to guarantee the stability of his family. Does he want you to move to a country where you will have no real rights or where you will be isolated and even more dependent on him?

You may be thinking of your children when trying to resolve this. He is not.

He does have the authority to take them out of the country. He is their parent.

Why would he want to leave? Who knows - could be any of a dozen reasons. But he's making no effort to stay.

Cut the f…ker loose and have him deported! One less male burden.
Find someone more deserving than this sulky entitled sponger.

The more I’m reading the more its annoying me on your behalf op 🤣
he won’t go and thank your mum for the 2.5k as she should just give it him because you have asked for him.
HE SHOULD BE ROUND THERE KISSING HER FEET!!! eternally grateful she saved his sorry ass.
but no because Yano… pride

Not sure why you finish almost all your posts with the words "if that makes sense." It isn't as though they're hard to understand or you're including concepts the average person will have trouble with.

What doesn't make sense is how you can fail to see that a man who won't swallow his arrogance (it isn't pride) in order to stay with his wife and children doesn't actually want to stay with them. He doesn't love them enough to do such a tiny thing for them.

Throw this one back and let him go. He clearly doesn't want to stay.

And what about you OP? What are you putting up with from him?

You say your Mum putting up with so much rubbish from him and also him not paying her back in the past does not paint a good picture. He does not sound considerate and thoughtful. Hope he treats you better. You deserve to be happy.

Good luck for the visa situation.

God they make this so ridiculously expensive, I find these Visa conditions so annoying. It's just to put poor people off. If he gets deported then they are stopping a British citizen from living in her own country by happily splitting families up. They are all massive dicks.

It's nonsensical to be ok with borrowing money, but to proud to verbalize it. if he was proud he would honor his word.

What exactly is his problem with asking and agreeing terms of the payment? I don’t get it, go,
ask, say thank you, agree amount to pay - it’s very simple and not demeaning in any way.

does he have a problem with women OP? That’s the only thing I can think of where he’d feel uncomfortable

Gosh what a mess, I agree with the others, he sounds like he WANTS to leave and then can blame your mum for not giving him the money and got him kicked out of the country. I bet you he’s one of those who lets thing happen to him with his own inaction and then put the blame on others.

You know what’s going to happen next right? He’ll blame it all on your mum, and then either tries to get you all to move to his country with him or just bugger off and never to be seen again.

His ‘pride’ means he is happy to leave his wife and young kids forever, or uprooting you all without any discussions. He’s not proud of you all as a family unit enough to simply 1) ask your mum for money and 2) pay it back. He’s putting his own ego over the life that you’ve built, stability for you and the kids, and a continued relationship with you as his beloved wife.

I am so angry on your behalf, I don’t know why you’re not angry and shouting at the man to just do the practical thing and asks.

Does he realise that if he applies for his spouse visa extension late that this will affect his immigration record with the Home Office?

If his immigration record is affected by a late visa extension application then the Home Office may refuse his future application for indefinite leave to remain. That could lead to years of wrangles with the Home Office and thousands of pounds in fees in trying to sort the mess out.

He does not sound a good husband or father or one that prioritises you, your relationship or your children.

Your mum would be within her rights to change her mind and refuse to lend the money. I hope she thinks about doing so as that may save you more long term heart ache in the future.

He has had 33 months to save up for the IHS fees and should have done do if his pride is such that he isn't polite enough to personally ask for a loan.

Your mum must be desperately worried about you if she is willing to lend him the money despite his appalling behaviour.

He’s not feeling stressed because you always sort it/ bail him out and he’s expecting you to carrry the emotional and practical burden of fixing his problems once again.

Except this time your mums not giving him that out. Hope he likes his home country…

Even though my responses have been relatively lighthearted, this situation has caused me an immense amount of stress and anxiety.

No OP. Your husband is causing you stress and anxiety.

LTB, he sounds like a chancer.

Turn it back on him? Does he really value you and your relationship so poorly that he’s willing to risk being arrested, detained and deported? What are you meant to
do then, follow? Is he hoping to end the relationship and return to his country/ go to another without you? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your peace of mind and happiness - if he overstays you will be apprehensive over each phone call, letter and knock on the door.

Make him take some fucking responsibility. He’s meant to love you. Does he? Or does he have a problem with women in general which is why he doesn’t care about your feelings and is refusing to ask your mother? Is he angry she’s asked to be repaid and is calling the shots? Sounds like a prince.