Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP, your husband simply doesn’t really care about staying with you and the kids. Hard to process but evident by his behavior.

slways judge a person by their actions not their words. He has proven that he just doesn’t care- or he would’ve acted differently.

with the total lack of gratitude and respect for your non and I’m assuming you too I would suggest you reevaluate your marriage.

If you’ve both known the visa expiry date for ?5 years, why on earth have you not saved?
This isn’t a few pounds short, it’s £2.5k.
I know financially it’s tough with young dc but it’s going to be tougher when your dh gets deported.
Is your dh working?
Does he want to remain in the Uk?

Sounds to me like the little visa money saved will be going on air fare.

@PlummutumI suspect you might be quite young. On that assumption I’m going to say what I would say to my own daughter. This is not a good man. Be selfish. Protect yourself. And make sure that your contraception is rock solid. Under NO circumstances get pregnant, even if he suggests it. Which he well might.

Honestly I would let him fail. The whole system is a PITA I know, but if you borrow money then surely paying it back is the norm, nothing to do with pride.

My husband is not from the UK and we have lived there and here in is county so I have also experience on the visa issues and the help needed to make it happen.

Also, can he apply for ILR at any point? This will make the whole extension thing a non-event once it is done.

What he’s telling you is he doesn’t think (in your words) all that you’ve ‘built’ together is worth the 2 grand or whatever it is. You and your kids aren’t worth it. That sucks.

But don’t be in denial, OP. Think of yourself and your kids and protect them. Hide passports and start seeking financial protection and ensuring you have a roof over your head if/when he buggers off.

I guess the danger with the attitude he is showing is - you and your kids aren’t his priority. Your mum could pay his visa and he could still leave you but remain in the country with someone else.

He’s annoyed she’s demanding to be paid back and wants assurances he’ll do so. He may be relying on pressure from and love for you to waive this - that alone is despicable that he’s willing to gamble your futures away on emotional blackmail!

Why do you love him? How did you meet? When did he propose? How long before kids?

💐

Actually, it's him who seems happy to risk having to abandon you OP. He doesn't sound great.

Sorry, you might not like this, but he sounds like pure scum, even if he cooks for you and drives you places. Did he marry you to get a visa? I wonder.

He shows no respect to your mother, whose feet he should be kissing for helping him out, and he 'forgets' to pay her back. Charmer. He ignores her when she comes over. He wants someone else to do his dirty work and ask for a loan. But won't agree to pay it back.

Where did you get this piece of shit? Seriously. I could never sleep with a bludging user like this. My fanny would dry up drier than the Arizona desert. Seriously, how can you respect him enough and look at him, knowing how he has used and abused your family, and get into bed with him? How do you do it. Wake up, this is fate! Hopefully he will be deported and you and your children will be well rid of him and you can find a decent man who was socialised properly and raised properly. This is fate giving you a message. Let it go, then file for divorce and get on with your life, this germ if he stays will eventually get you saddled with debts, he sounds like that type of person. For goodness sake, wake up, tell him you want a divorce and maybe it's good his visa has ended, you've seen the real him and the offer of money from your mum is revoked. He is garbage. Take the fate and guidance from mother nature.

Your mother’s request is totally reasonable. She wants him to ask and him to promise to repay the loan. She doesn’t want her daughter working extra or scrimping to find the money.

Now you are a couple so in reality you should be a financial team. However, if he has a history of financial insolvency, she likely expects he will just let op take on this burden solo.

He should be there with a realistic plan written out for when he will make each repayment, even if the process is slow. that is how a decent person asks family for a loan.

people aren’t being crazy about hiding the passports. If he takes the children with him, getting them back can be close to impossible.

Your husband has a solution and is refusing to do anything about it! Are you sure he actually wants to stay in this country?! Surely if he did, with 48 hours to go, he would do the necessary and agree to your mums terms, which are totally reasonable given your husband's track record with not paying her back.

id be asking dh if he actually wants to remain in the country? Sounds to me like he doesn't!

First, I think you should ask yourself why you think he’s wonderful. Then, as you have a good relationship with your family, why you would let anyone treat them badly.

Then I think you should ask him exactly what he thinks he has to be proud of. He borrows money and then gets skeevy about repaying it. He is incapable of dealing with his responsibilities and doesn’t care enough about being with you to ensure he can stay with you. He expects your mum to bank roll him without any commitment from him that he will repay her.

Whatever it is that is wonderful about him, it sure ain’t his values

You sound like you make a lot of excuses for him OP, and you seem to be laughing over his lack of organisation, over this visa issue. How can this be attractive to you, him being so blasé about obtaining a visa extension so he can be with his beloved family, and he has 2 children!! If I was him, I would have worked my fingers to the bone to make sure I had the cash, to make sure the authorities would let me stay in this country, so there would be no doubt that I could be expelled. Your mum is a saint considering he was slow/didnt pay her back in the past.

Did he let it expire op?

Is he working OP? If so then his visa expiring could see him lose his job - employers can get into a lot of trouble if they have someone whose right to work is invalid. That being the case, would that impact your joint income such that it would not meet the minimum requirement for the spouse visa?

Is his country somewhere you’d want to live? Did you meet there?

It is not only his job that's at risk. Assuming you are renting, your landlord has to verify that he has the right to live and work in the UK.

He had literally years to save up for the visa. One has to assume that he is not only very irresponsible but also not too bothered about remaining here with his wife and children.

You aren't giving up on him. He's giving up on you. He can't even be bothered to ask your mum for the money himself. On top of that he thinks he shouldn't have to pay the money back.
I hope your mum stands her ground and he gets deported for your sake. You and your children deserve better than the deadbeat.
And I hope you took the advice to hide the children's passports. Legally he can take them out of the country without your permission (if he's on the birth certificate) and you may not be able to get them back, depending on where he goes. You might think he'd never do that but so does every other woman it happens too
At any rate you can't trust him because of the way he acts. Nothing you can do for him now. He had the chance and he blew it.

Does he have a job?

I think your mum sees him for what he is and you see him through Rose coloured glasses. Does he work? If so why can't they help him. Does he always rely on you to sort stuff out. He sounds like he doesn't respect women and just sits back and let's them all sort it for him.

This manchild needs to grow up and find his own solution to his problem. How embarrassing to have to be bailed out by his mother in law when he has obviously asked her for money before and not repaid it. And he is entitled as well. Stop finding solutions for him and let him learn a little lesson about how life actually works.

What was his solution to this

Yes. He is a grown adult and it would be his issue. Your Mum is being reasonable and fair.

I can’t believe this, OP. I’m here on a spouse visa and I would never put my DH in a position where I could possibly have to leave the country! You have kids!! Do their dad is just going to either leave, or overstay but never be able to travel, work, etc? Somehow he’s not stressed that those are his 2 options? The new eVisa system takes seconds to pull up your visa status meaning he can’t wiggle out of showing it to employers/landlords if they ask.

Pride is stupid here. He either asks your mum and follows her terms, or you need to accept where you and the DC are on his list of priorities.

The more you write about his personality "traits", the more I wonder why you want him to stay? He sounds like a total asshat and a misogynist, since he acts like he is "above" your mother and sisters.

Yes, so far your marriage has consisted of him taking money from your Mom and not bothering to pay it back and then getting snotty when she actually expects him to man up. He avoids your family, except when he needs them, I guess. He isolates himself from your family and acts like he is better than your mother and sisters, and probably you.

He doesn't sound nice, and he doesn't sound worth the trouble. So he cooks and drives you places. That isn't a marriage.

A PP asked if marrying you was how he was able to get a visa. I would not be surprised if that is the truth.

If he wanted to stay he could.
He isn't doing the one thing to facilitate that. Ergo. He wants to leave and is bullshitting about his pride.
I'd walk through hell in high heels to stay with my DH and child.
He isn't prepared to just play nice with his own MIL for 5 minutes.
He's pathetic and I agree with others, he is not interested in staying. Let him go.
Oh and yes, he absolutely can take your children abroad. Although doubtful he would bother considering how pathetic he is as a husband and father.
Sorry, let him go.

I’m not sure you can call it pride when he’s been happy to take money before and not pay it back. He comes across as completely entitled with the expectation that your mum should just pay for him anyway. Presumably his “pride” has only kicked in on the suggestion of a contract to ensure he actually pays your mum back.

On a separate point though, how much has he borrowed before from her and why wasn’t he read the riot act from you when he failed to pay her back?