Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Wowwww, not sure how to respond to this

this was hard to read

This is a fair trade for him treating your family so badly? Wow right back at you.

@Plummutum education plans, how old are you?

But why does it have to end that way?

Well, from the last conversation I had with him, his response was that he’s “tried his best”

It is not pride that is stopping him. You keep trying to play with language to make him look better. It doesn’t work.

Ask yourself why he wouldn't leap at any chance given to him to stay with you and put a stop to the visa stress.

Well, that’s kind of how I see it? What else could it be?

Okay, yes this is a fair point. But I’m really rooting for him because we’ve got young kids and I’m thinking of their futures

Because you are not that important to him. He treats your family like crap and he wont do the right thing so that he can stay with you.

Where would he get deported to op? Could you handle a LDR?
you actually sound lovely in your responses etc, I think you need to just breathe not panic and let him sort this one out. You have provided a solution, it isnt good enough so it’s now up to him.

His best is pretty shite.

His best is going to cost him his visa and his entire life here, as well as messing up your life.

If he's not prepared to do this FOR HIS KIDS, then he's a lost cause and you're better off without him. Get your ducks in a row, get legal advice to safeguard your children and ask your mum to hide the children's passports.

I agree with this. And this to me sounds like he’s found a perfect out to go live a free single life again. I’d be doing my absolute all to ensure I could stay with my family. His responses smack of he is happy to use this as his excuse to go

That's not the behaviour that any child needs to see being modelled. If in 20 years time one of your children's partners is treating you the way your DH treats your mother, how would you feel?

Even though my responses have been relatively lighthearted, this situation has caused me an immense amount of stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel like I’m trembling when I’m trying to do my work, it’s just a lot to deal with to be honest.

Oh crap OP, just saw you have children together too.

You must feel so let down and rightly so.

His selfishness has risked all of your future.

He's not a man you can depend on.

Take a step back and consider if you & the kids might be better off without him.

Well, I’d (kindly) give him/her a piece of my mind that’s for sure.

I understand your point, but it’s not that simple. He’s not a monster or anything, it’s just some areas that are causing so many issues. I know that it’s not an excuse but I don’t want my kids to suffer because of me giving up on him, if that makes sense.

Has that helped your mum build a relationship with your husband. Has it meant your children can see a healthy family dynamic which includes your DH and your mother? How do you treat his parents and siblings? If you acted with them like he does with your mother and siblings would he accept that behaviour?

If it was pride stopping him, he would be too proud to take your mother's money. He, clearly, has no problem with that. He just feels that he is entitled to it without having (a) ask himself and (b) put plans in place for him to pay it back in a timely manner.

Sorry you got me at hiding the kids passports 😭😂😂😂

Well, I didn’t ever consider this. What do you mean?

Give them to you mum to look after. Better safe than sorry.