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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

492 replies

Plummutum · 31/03/2025 23:58

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP posts:
OnlyLittleOldMe · 02/04/2025 11:53

Sounds like a misogynistic, selfish and ignorant idiot to me. Let him stew in his own stubbornness and if he gets deported it's his own blinking fault.

Original poster
Plummutum · 02/04/2025 12:51

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 22:24

Seems like it’s a shame he got the money in the end.

It is. OP is now foolishly trapped with this man who only married her for a visa, and I bet her mum is heartbroken that her daughter is now trapped. OP is a silly fool if she won't divorce him and get away from him.

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Woah this is bit far fetched

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 02/04/2025 12:53

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 22:56

I’m also wondering if OP has met the rest of his wider family as being an orphan is convenient if you have an inconsistent backstory.

Good point! And yes, orphans are the last people ever to be spoilt (my father was an orphan so I know this). By definition. In fact they grow up tough having to fend from themselves and learn to do everything for themselves, never relying on anyone else. This 'orphan' story smells far more rotten than Denmark. I've never heard of such a thing as a 'spoilt orphan' before.

Edited to say that I've never heard of an orphan being able to afford to go to another country to study, either. Unless it was via a scholarship. But then people who get scholarships are hard-working, independent and responsible. None of which OP's husband is. An orphan that can afford to travel overseas and fund himself as a student living in a foreign country? Yeah right! Orphans can barely afford to feed themselves or afford a hovel in their own country.

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My husband is very tough and has those attributes you describe, he’s had to fend for himself and was supported to come to this country by his siblings as they raised him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 02/04/2025 12:57

Masmavi · 01/04/2025 23:45

I'm going to disagree a little with previous commenters. His visa is a spouse visa and you are his link to stay in the country - it's a partnership, otherwise he wouldn't be in the UK. Your mum would be helping both of you in that she's helping her daughter's husband be able to stay in the country. It's not just your husband, she is also holding out and I think using the money to force him to acknowledge her. She knows that you as a couple need the money. I don't think it would be that strange for her to transfer you the money without him coming to her and having to ask, but perhaps in some way she wants to humiliate him a bit?
This doesn't negate the fact that your husband is at fault by putting his pride ahead of your relationship, btw!

Wow, yes I do agree with this post, I think perhaps deep down a part of this is about my mum wanting to be acknowledged by him in some way. Obviously you don’t know the full history but it’s not like they hate eachother or anything, it’s just that my mum is a people person and often expects everyone to have that same demeanour, but there are plenty of times where he chats to her and even wants to support her with her travel plans, it’s a bit like a love/hate relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 02/04/2025 13:02

Howmanyflags · 01/04/2025 16:09

Actions speak louder than words- if he overstays his visa and has to leave, that sounds like game over for your marriage, or at least life as you know it now. Your mum is being absolutely reasonable and very generous to consider lending money if it has not been paid back in the past (he forget isn't an acceptable excuse). So if he won't ask for the money because he values his pride more than he values your current life, and stability for you, then I think that tells you everything you need to know... A person is the sum of all their parts- and a small bit of bad can override an aweful lot of good...

Okay, so when I say he’s not paid back in the past, what I mean is that when we were still super young and starting out as a couple (still at uni etc). I wasn’t even working then (still living at home) and he was hardly earning either - so he always had the vision that once he settles over the years that he’d not just pay back whatever support he got but also be a source of support to my parents whenever they need him. There have been occasions where he has paid back too, but I didn’t mention that.

OP posts:
BiologicalRobot · 02/04/2025 13:30

so he always had the vision that once he settles over the years that he’d not just pay back whatever support he got but also be a source of support to my parents whenever they need him.

Dear God the lies you are telling yourself. The twists and turns you are doing to get the actual reality and your delusion to match 😯

You have admitted he hasn't paid all of his debts back to your mother.

You have admitted he runs off rather than stay for 5 minutes when your mother visits. How the fuck do you think he can be a source of support to someone he runs away and hides from?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2025 14:38

Plummutum · 02/04/2025 13:02

Okay, so when I say he’s not paid back in the past, what I mean is that when we were still super young and starting out as a couple (still at uni etc). I wasn’t even working then (still living at home) and he was hardly earning either - so he always had the vision that once he settles over the years that he’d not just pay back whatever support he got but also be a source of support to my parents whenever they need him. There have been occasions where he has paid back too, but I didn’t mention that.

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A source of support? He can't even bring himself to be in the same room when they visit! I suspect this "vision" is just an illusion he spins to placate you and stop you asking too many questions.

He borrowed money from his girlfriend's mother (how on earth did that come about?) and 'forgot' to repay the loan. Can you really not see how bad that is?

"There have been occasions where he has paid back too, but I didn’t mention that" - Which just tells us that he has borrowed money from your mother on multiple occasions. And, that she has lent again despite him not paying her back in the past.

Your husband displays a shocking level of disrespect.

Goodadvice1980 · 02/04/2025 14:41

Denial is not just a river in Egypt …

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/04/2025 14:49

Plummutum · 02/04/2025 12:53

My husband is very tough and has those attributes you describe, he’s had to fend for himself and was supported to come to this country by his siblings as they raised him.

Show quote history

The two sets of attributes described were

"orphans ... grow up tough having to fend from themselves and learn to do everything for themselves, never relying on anyone else"

and

"people who get scholarships are hard-working, independent and responsible"

Which of these do you consider your husband has?

Raised by his siblings? Why is he not applying to those siblings for loans?

Janus · 02/04/2025 16:15

Plummutum · 02/04/2025 13:02

Okay, so when I say he’s not paid back in the past, what I mean is that when we were still super young and starting out as a couple (still at uni etc). I wasn’t even working then (still living at home) and he was hardly earning either - so he always had the vision that once he settles over the years that he’d not just pay back whatever support he got but also be a source of support to my parents whenever they need him. There have been occasions where he has paid back too, but I didn’t mention that.

Edited
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Hi there. So do you mean that maybe in the uni holidays etc he came back and lived in your home with your mum/parents? Then did he feel that he couldn’t ’pay rent’ as such, being a student so you hoped that in years to come he’d ’pay back’ in the way of helping your mum, maybe doing some diy, driving, treats here and there as a way of ‘paying back’? Or did he literally borrow money off your mum and was meant to pay that back but did the odd lump sum here and there but didn’t finish paying back?

Things need to change. If you’re already struggling and in debt how are you going to pay off this new debt?? Your husband needs to get some kind of part time job at the weekend such as delivering pizzas or anything that gives him some extra cash. Then all debts are cleared as soon as you both can. If it’s jacket potato and beans or sausages and mash for the next 3 months then do this. You can only get on top of this with serious sacrifice from you all. BUT he has to do the extra job. You cannot live with this pressure and his not caring. It’s time to get things sorted.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/04/2025 16:22

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:20

Okay, honestly I know that he’s not being painted in the best light but he honestly is a very wonderful human, it’s only the stubbornness that gets in the way.

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Not really though.

He's stubborn but also unkind to your family. Maybe not overtly unkind, but he’s not friendly with them for no reason and that will be affecting you and your family.

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise OP.

DearDenimEagle · 02/04/2025 17:27

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/04/2025 16:22

Not really though.

He's stubborn but also unkind to your family. Maybe not overtly unkind, but he’s not friendly with them for no reason and that will be affecting you and your family.

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise OP.

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What’s a blessing in disguise? Personally, I’d have thought not getting the money would be the blessing in disguise. Now he’s got the money, it’s extra debt and his ongoing temper when he doesn’t get his way and probably the same hooha when this visa runs out . I know the OP thinks she’s blessed but I don’t , sorry OP

outerspacepotato · 02/04/2025 17:39

Putting all your debts together, how much are you guys in the hole for? Include what your mom lent him and this prince of overweening pride has never paid back. You don't have to say it here.

Your man was unstressed with being deported. He's not putting you and your child/ren first. He doesn't seem that invested in you.

An Uber would be cheaper than a financially incontinent partner who seems to be getting deeper and deeper into debt.

He'sad because supposedly someone told him your mom said something about him. Waaah.

If I was your mom I'd rip this irresponsible rude lazy mofo brat a new one to his face. He wants respect he has to earn it and bring a prick who doesn't pay back the money he owes isn't going to get him any.

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/04/2025 17:50

DearDenimEagle · 02/04/2025 17:27

What’s a blessing in disguise? Personally, I’d have thought not getting the money would be the blessing in disguise. Now he’s got the money, it’s extra debt and his ongoing temper when he doesn’t get his way and probably the same hooha when this visa runs out . I know the OP thinks she’s blessed but I don’t , sorry OP

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The blessing in disguise is that her husband is likely to find himself deported - which could be a blessing given he doesn’t sound particularly nice.

DearDenimEagle · 02/04/2025 19:39

SunnySideDeepDown · 02/04/2025 17:50

The blessing in disguise is that her husband is likely to find himself deported - which could be a blessing given he doesn’t sound particularly nice.

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I agree but I thought it was sorted and he’s able to stay. I Missed something …multi tasking is no longer my forte it seems ..sorry

Branwells77 · 02/04/2025 19:48

My question is he has clearly been here for a long time so first of all why leave it until literally the last minute and not have the funds surely that would be a priority second question now I don’t know the full situation but why on earth hasn’t he had his status changed and become a British citizen.
I’m siding with your Mum on this one OP maybe next time he will get his head out of his own arse sooner to raise the funds in time.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 02/04/2025 21:51

DearDenimEagle · 02/04/2025 19:39

I agree but I thought it was sorted and he’s able to stay. I Missed something …multi tasking is no longer my forte it seems ..sorry

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No, you've not missed anything. He has indeed scrounged the money, so the application was able to go in on time.

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