Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Why's he getting his knickers in a knot about 'pride' now?

That ship sailed as soon as you defaulted on paying back your MIL, sunshine.

Okay, honestly I know that he’s not being painted in the best light but he honestly is a very wonderful human, it’s only the stubbornness that gets in the way.

Yes, I know 😭

He doesn't sound remotely wonderful. You sound like you make excuses for him.

Hmmm, I guess in some ways I understand what you mean, but I can’t blame her for responding in this way.

Stubborn, doesn’t pay his debts, rude and dismissive of your family who have been kind and generous towards him.

Well, this visa situation is just a tiny drop in the ocean of our entire marriage, it’s not a reflection of his true nature - it’s just a tricky situation we’ve found ourselves in.

Okay, yes maybe the way I wrote that makes him sound like a right bleep but it’s not always that way.

Does he often find himself in tricky financial situations?

Yes, sometimes he does

Dear God woman. The universe is giving you a gift here by the sounds of things. Let the twat ruin his life and be happy on your own!

😂😂sorry this made me giggle a bit

It’s a test, and he’s about to fail it. If he wants to ‘win’ and save his misplaced pride, he needs to play the game better.

Sounds like he’s just never been very interested in getting to know your family properly for whatever reason. My ex-DH was a bit like that, over the years it made family gatherings quite awkward and I always felt a bit trapped in the middle. As for the money, he needs to swallow his pride and graciously do what your mum is (quite reasonably) asking if he wants his visa. He’s in no position to be on his high horse after failing to pay her back previously. Good luck!

He’s bad with money.
He expects everyone else to sort out HIS s*.
Stubborn even to his own detriment.
He sulks when your mum makes very reasonable request and based only on bad experience lending money to him previously.
He sulks/makes your family uncomfortable when they visit.
He’s rude

These are all big red flags.

How long have you been married, and how old are you both?

So he's rude AF to someone who has given him money? He's a poor host to his very helpful MIL?

A proud man pays his debts. A proud man recognizes when he has fucked up and apologizes (like not paying your mom back) and treats people who have helped him well. He's not proud, he's mad that your mom is holding him accountable for his past financial fuckups.

Your husband is a spoiled brat.

Thanks🥰 yes, my thoughts exactly. Now’s not the time to have pride.

Yes, he is spoilt and I’ve (kindly) pointed this out to him before 🙈

Yes exactly 😭

He (and you) call it pride. I call it arrogance.

Including when he won't even be civil to your family.

Tell him to ask his own mum

It’s really complicated because as I said, he’s not actively doing anything rude, but he’s not really present the way they’d like. Could it also be a case of differing personalities? I guess in my upbringing son/daughter in-laws are supposed to be super respectful and welcome their parent in laws a certain way, maybe that’s the issue - perhaps he’s not fulfilling what they want in a son in law which is making them have those views as opposed to what he’s actually like (if that makes sense)

Does he secretly want to move back to his home country? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make any effort to sort this out.
You’ve asked your mum, she’s given reasonable terms. He’s choosing not to take up her offer. The ball’s in his court, he has a solution, it’s his choice if he takes it.
Sorry op, he’s really not wonderful.

Or maybe he’s just rude and you’re making excuses for him.

Your husband is lucky. If I was your mom I would say no outright. People only get one chance to not repay me money.

Also if he truly had pride he would have properly prepared for his tourist visa and not borrow money and not pay it back promptly. Your husband sounds like a bum.