Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

Yes, exactly this.

Well they do have kids together, so it's understandable op wants him local.

Yep. It's a marriage of convenience. No love there from him. He married her to remain in the country. He saw OP coming and she still refuses to see it because she is scared of being alone. Her poor mum is most likely disappointed because her daughter is now trapped with this worthless pos. She probably thinks 'how am I ever going to get my daughter out of this marriage?'

Seems like it’s a shame he got the money in the end.

It is. OP is now foolishly trapped with this man who only married her for a visa, and I bet her mum is heartbroken that her daughter is now trapped. OP is a silly fool if she won't divorce him and get away from him.

If it was me I would have offered to pay for his taxi to the airport!

That’s not generous. That’s normal behaviour from a spouse.

I don’t think it’s pride at all. If he was proud he wouldn’t be asking anyone’s help at all and would have got things sorted. He IS arrogant as PPs say and he has no respect for your mum, you or the country that has given him a home.

If I knew who he was I would report him so he could be deported! He doesn’t deserve to stay. How dare he not follow the rules when some people try so hard to stay and get kicked out.

I’m wondering if he had the money all along and is seeing how far he can push it with this family he sees as a piggy bank. I’m also wondering if OP has met the rest of his wider family as being an orphan is convenient if you have an inconsistent backstory. Being a spoilt orphan is most unusual.

This marriage is all very convenient for him, but I think your Mum can see that it’s not for you.
He shows blatant disrespect for her, and no love care and respect for you.
i would be concerned you don’t know him as well as you think you do.

I’m also wondering if OP has met the rest of his wider family as being an orphan is convenient if you have an inconsistent backstory.

Good point! And yes, orphans are the last people ever to be spoilt (my father was an orphan so I know this). By definition. In fact they grow up tough having to fend from themselves and learn to do everything for themselves, never relying on anyone else. This 'orphan' story smells far more rotten than Denmark. I've never heard of such a thing as a 'spoilt orphan' before.

Edited to say that I've never heard of an orphan being able to afford to go to another country to study, either. Unless it was via a scholarship. But then people who get scholarships are hard-working, independent and responsible. None of which OP's husband is. An orphan that can afford to travel overseas and fund himself as a student living in a foreign country? Yeah right! Orphans can barely afford to feed themselves or afford a hovel in their own country.

No you don’t need to be on his side.
He has a responsibility as a partner to you to do his best for your relationship. He’s not doing that right now. I am all for people supporting each other, but he sounds like an enabled twat. Sorry. He needs a massive kick up the backside to get his stuff sorted.

Listen to these wise words @Plummutum.^^

Quoting this to bring it back to @Plummutum attention.

Btw, in whose name is your other debt under? Hopefully it's in his name and not yours otherwise you are going to be REALLY screwed in the future.

I'm going to disagree a little with previous commenters. His visa is a spouse visa and you are his link to stay in the country - it's a partnership, otherwise he wouldn't be in the UK. Your mum would be helping both of you in that she's helping her daughter's husband be able to stay in the country. It's not just your husband, she is also holding out and I think using the money to force him to acknowledge her. She knows that you as a couple need the money. I don't think it would be that strange for her to transfer you the money without him coming to her and having to ask, but perhaps in some way she wants to humiliate him a bit?
This doesn't negate the fact that your husband is at fault by putting his pride ahead of your relationship, btw!

All those people fleeing wars and human rights abuses?

And many tens of thousands are not fleeing anything at all, and are economic migrants.

He doesn’t have “pride” or he would have ensured he had money to pay his own way. He’s a user

You are wasting time talking to him.

You need to let go and allow him to be deported. Personally, I would be calling immigration to come and pick him up.

This isn’t your battle. You can’t make another person do the right thing,

Just because he's an orphan now doesn't mean he was as a child. Technically I'm an orphan in that my parents have died but I'm in my 50s so that's not unexpected. He's young to have lost his parents but maybe it wasn't that long ago. Or maybe they aren't actually dead, just not speaking?

To have been orphaned in adulthood it would have to have been pretty recent, probably within the timeline of the relationship. They met at uni, so he'd have been 18-20ish and already spoilt / financed to go abroad for uni? So yes, it logically is unlikely to predate his arrival in the UK.

The "just not speaking" is a thought.

This. You don’t need to back your husband when he’s being completely unreasonable! Your mum is being more than reasonable and I can understand why she’d want a “contract” of sorts.

Is your DH this unreasonable/unreliable in other areas of life? Does he really want his visa extended?

He's just downright rude, by any culture's standards. Don't make excuses for him - that doesn't show you in a very good light either. He very much is doing things that are wrong. He borrows money and doesn't repay it (the lowest of low behaviour). He shuns your family when they visit (exceptionally ill mannered). He won't take the very small step your mother requests before she saves the situation of doing her the courtesy of speaking to her himself and undertaking to repay what he borrows this time. (I would want it in writing.) He's rude in all respects really. He must also be a bit dense to have got himself in this situation and not to realise that he has absolutely nothing to be prideful about. I'm guessing his refusal to engage with your mother is mainly based in misogyny. How dare she have the power! If I was in your situation, I would be horrified at his attitude to my family and also questioning whether he really wants to stay here at all. Is he really wanting to force a situation where you have to move to his country, so you will be out of your family's reach? Or is he just hoping to leave you without having the guts to say so?

He is being a fool. There is more at stake here than his pride - it’s his whole life.

What’s the plan if you can’t pay it, overstay ? Eventually he will be found out and deported. He will treated like a criminal.

You don’t say where he’s from but is it someplace you want to join him in ? Because overstaying is very serious and once you do that, it’s over.

You didn't read all the OP's posts on here. He now has the money, it's been sorted.

Now that he has the money, I think you need to look at why he felt this was your issue to resolve. Until you told him clearly you were doing no more, he finally go his finger out and sorted it himself, but he really expected you to do it all for him. Why?

Of course he is supportive of your job - he's financially reliant on you. The harder you work the better off he is.