Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

[Plummutum]

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

How embarrassing for him. Is he 19? If not, why is behaving as though he hasn’t fully matured yet?

and he absolutely is not wonderful is he? The bar is on the fucking floor for men on this forum.

Why are you giving this deadbeat houseroom? He really isnt "wonderful" at all. He is a fuckig loser.

Have you heard the saying "Beggars can't be choosers?"

It appears that you've married a man who can't pay his bills or save money, can't swallow his pride, and who doesn't want to live with you enough to make any compromises.

What is his plan for solving this problem?

Are you both very young OP? You sound very young.

Disappearing upstairs with nothing but a hi every time your inlaws come round (inlaws who have been kind and helpful) is rude. In any culture.

Your mum is the wonderful one, I think she is being generous and reasonable in her request. I certainly wouldn't be lending money to someone who had form for not paying me back. That coupled with the lack of effort in the relationship on his part... well I expect she is doing it for your benefit which is very kind.
He sounds like he is expecting everyone else to take responsibility for him and is annoyed he has to do anything! Perhaps in the long run it might do you a favour if he was deported... even if it didn't feel like that now.

Just leave him to it. He knows what he needs to do. If he doesn't do it, you best prepare yourself for separation.

This man is not a keeper, @Plummutum

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

Irresponsible
Dependent
Financially incontinent
Stubborn
Cheeky
Shortsighted
Selfish
Rude to your mum

You can now also add:
A burden
An overstayer

You are with a man who did not to allow him stay legally stay in the country with you, his wife, the woman is supposed to love and put ahead of everything else. The woman who found him the only solution he has and yet he turned his nose up at it.

Take off your rose tinted glasses and see him for who he really is.

He's not proud, he's an asshole.

I was left in a desperate position, not of my own doing, where I had to borrow money do my son. It was awful having to ask, but my pride would not let me borrow it without a written agreement with him on how I would pay it back.

He didn't want one, I made him have one.

Your mum sounds amazing, if my daughter married a rude wanker of a man who couldn't even stay in the same room as me, there is no way I'd be lending him money! Especially if he'd borrowed before and never bothered to pay me back.

I agree with a PP poster I'd be glad my daughter managed to get rid of such a deadbeat, and hope she got someone better who deserved her.

I genuinely can't see why you are making excuses for him. He sounds awful.

I wouldn't discuss it further. He has not managed to save the money he needs to stay, so he needs to go. Don't be begging him or anybody. You can survive without him. He can come back to you when he gets his act together. If he misses and loves you he will.

How much money are we talking?

What are his good points as I am failing to see any?

How old are you both?
Where did you meet and how long married?
Any dc and does he work?

He needs to make a choice: Which does he value more - his visa and everything depending upon it, or his 'pride' (aka entitlement, ego, arrogance)?

His entire life where he lives, his relationship with you, his professional future, his friendships, his family... all require him to have his visa in place. Which requires effort and money. He doesn't have the money, but can choose to have it through the fairly reasonable course of action of being respectful towards and committing to re-paying his MIL.

Please don't say there are children in this mess...

The visa system is frustrating and expensive, but it's the system he needs to comply with in order to stay legally. And if he doesn't, then he's an over-stayer and can be removed and prevented from returning.

If he chooses not to do what is required to renew his visa, that shows you where you are in his list of priorities, because this isn't just his life, it's yours that he's messing around. Don't assist him in over-staying, and don't go with him if he has to leave.

You tell him to either ask for the money and agree to the terms of the loan or start packing his bags to leave the country immediately. Because if he’s deported your government won’t let him back in.

Your husband sounds very dishonest.

Wow, this.

I’ve tried very hard to speak to him about this but he feels that my mum should be fine with me asking in his behalf etc, but I tried to get him to understand that it doesn’t work that way, if you need help from someone, it’s just courtesy to actually ask them directly.

Op why are you more concerned about this than he is. Does he actually want to stay

Well I certainly won’t be accompanying him anywhere if it gets to that point which I pray it won’t. But yes I hear you.

He doesn’t get to feel what your mum should be fine with! Cheeky sod! Honestly op, let him go, the way he views your mother doesn’t bode well for your future

He is also concerned, and very stressed (even though he’s trying to hide it). But I think his level of pride stops him from truly asking for help. He also has family he could ask but that ship has sailed

it’s very tough situation

I’ve just read the rest of your thread and I think him getting deported may be a blessing in disguise 🤣

It isn't stubbornness. Your husband doesn't love or respect you. He doesn't respect or appreciate your mother or he would not have been late paying her back. His treatment of her and your sisters is appalling. Why are you making excuses for him?

You need to be on his side Why would you side with someone so hostile to your family? I would no more stand for my DH disrespecting my family than I would stand for them disrespecting him.

I hope he stands his ground. It will just be the trash taking itself out.

He’s very generous (he cooks, drives me everywhere I need to go without complaining)
supportive with my own work/education plans
makes me feel safe/secure
in relation to the money: about £2.5k