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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I called him a f**king tramp. DH overheard and is now furious

333 replies

ionlysaidone1 · 31/03/2025 19:50

Aibu?

DHs older son is 14. He doesn't treat the house with any respect when he's here and I understand that can just be teens so I try so hard to bite my tongue.

But one thing I cannot stand is the state of the toilet whenever he's here. He will literally piss all over it, down the back of the toilet, sometimes it's on the floor etc..

I have tried REPEATEDLY to bring this up with DH who minimises completely saying it's not that bad, only takes two seconds to clean up, I'm exaggerating, it's not his son despite it only happening when he's here obviously.

I have taken to shouting DSS in every time I notice it and making him clean the toilet but it's still happening. He's revolting.

Anyway, tonight I came to use the bathroom after SS and lo and behold the seat is a mess again, piss in the back between the cistern and toilet seat. I was so annoyed that I just went WHAT A FUCKING TRAMP! And then shouted SS to get in there and clean it up.

SS didn't hear the tramp comment but DH did and now he's furious.

I've apologised for calling SS a tramp

but said I won't apologise for being angry at this happening AGAIN.

H thinks I've committed some cardinal sin calling his son a tramp but honestly, if the shoe fits! If he doesn't like it he should do more to get through to his son.

I'm so over this situation it's disgusting.

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 01/04/2025 05:56

keswickgirl · 31/03/2025 22:14

The misandry is strong here tonight.

To be clear, I do not condone peeing on and around the toilet.

But the extreme language and discourse on here about “filthy male behaviour” etc lead me to believe that there are posters around who are interested in stoking a war of the sexes on Mumsnet, as in other online spaces.

This is not the language of parents. This is not the attitude of people who have the best interests of children at heart. This hateful bile has no place on Mumsnet.

We bow to your wisdom oh great one

OR - maybe you’re overthinking yeah?

Teen pisses on toilet seat regularly
Step mother is annoyed
Father refuses to deal with it

She is NBU - they are

Rabbitoney · 01/04/2025 08:16

This thread is truly something to behold. The posters pearl clutching about the use of the words ‘fucking’ and ‘tramp’. The many posters who seem to have missed the salient point that the OP didn’t shout or even say those words directly to her stepson or his father but to no one in particular as as expression of frustration at the situation. The posters calling this abuse and speaking of the stepson in terms of a child - as if he’s a poor wee 5yo being scolded for missing the bowl rather than 14yo who, notwithstanding he may have more growing up to do should still be fully capable of adhering to basic expectations around hygiene and respect for others. The posters who along with the OPs husband seem to think the OPs words are a greater crime than this little scrote pissing all over the toilet in what i would bet my house is a deliberate attempt by the SS to upset and/or intimidate his stepmother.

So what’s the message there then? Women, and especially stepmothers, if someone is showing you disrespect and contempt, do make sure you express your anger in way that does not hurt or insult the poor men. Fucks. Sake.

Elunajeya · 01/04/2025 08:27

The thing is, the pearl clutchers who don’t think you should say ‘fucking tramp’ can police language all they want, it doesn’t change the fact that if your little darling does this, people do indeed think he is disgusting. Not being able to say it doesn’t change what people think.

Its disgusting. And controlling. And definitely ‘filthy male behaviour’

Chezxx · 01/04/2025 08:32

Your husband the dregs raising the dregs.
Why have you tolerated this?
Stop doing anything for either of them.
Use your SS's clothes to wipe up the mess.

What exactly is the point of remaining married in suchba set up?

Hollyhedge · 01/04/2025 09:02

RobinHeartella · 31/03/2025 19:54

Dh needs to clean it, if he won't make his son clean it.

Is there more than one loo in your house? Can you designate one loo for female use only?

My DS was making a mess but we were lucky because we have two toilets. He has got better now after i mentioned it a few times. If you make them clean it before every time you use it surely they’ll learn

Soontobesingles · 01/04/2025 09:43

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/03/2025 23:44

He's only doing what teenage boys do when they are allowed to get away with it.

Plenty of teenage boys clean up after themselves and don't make that much mess in the first place.

Show quote history

Sure. But he is being allowed by her DH. It isn’t the role of the stepparent to discipline the child and if her DH won’t to it that’s a DH problem. You don’t insult a child.

TheHerboriste · 01/04/2025 10:12

Soontobesingles · 01/04/2025 09:43

Sure. But he is being allowed by her DH. It isn’t the role of the stepparent to discipline the child and if her DH won’t to it that’s a DH problem. You don’t insult a child.

Show quote history

Oh, please. He’s not a vulnerable child, he’s a dirty, disrespectful and defiant teenager.

Wordsmithery · 01/04/2025 10:19

I know you have had enough but losing control and talking to your SS like that was horrible. You're the adult! No wonder your husband was angry.

And you were pretty dismissive of the homeless which is also unacceptable in my book.

Wordsmithery · 01/04/2025 10:20

PhilomenaPunk · 31/03/2025 23:50

I honestly do wonder sometimes if it’s just me but the cultural differences in the way children are raised are so vast when I read Mumsnet posts. I’m from the Middle East and all I can say is that absolutely nobody would be trying to reason with this boy in my culture. He’d have one opportunity to sort himself out and then that would be it.

Show quote history

And what would happen after that one chance, if he doesn't step up?

PhilomenaPunk · 01/04/2025 10:50

Wordsmithery · 01/04/2025 10:20

And what would happen after that one chance, if he doesn't step up?

Show quote history

If he didn’t stop pissing all over a toilet and expecting a woman (not to mention his elder) to clean up after him? What do you think?

PhilomenaPunk · 01/04/2025 11:24

Elunajeya · 01/04/2025 08:27

The thing is, the pearl clutchers who don’t think you should say ‘fucking tramp’ can police language all they want, it doesn’t change the fact that if your little darling does this, people do indeed think he is disgusting. Not being able to say it doesn’t change what people think.

Its disgusting. And controlling. And definitely ‘filthy male behaviour’

Edited

And these boys who are pandered to in the home grown up to be disgusting, disrespectful men. Any wonder at the number of threads on here from women who are struggling with male partners who are unhygienic, disrespectful and abusive?

EcruCardigan · 01/04/2025 11:33

Why isn't there a Stepmumsnet where you can have a moan about your ungrateful, unhygienic, deisrespectful step-offspring and their father, and you get sympathy and advice? Smile

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/04/2025 12:40

Soontobesingles · 01/04/2025 09:43

Sure. But he is being allowed by her DH. It isn’t the role of the stepparent to discipline the child and if her DH won’t to it that’s a DH problem. You don’t insult a child.

Show quote history

Isn't it? If it is part of her role to care for him when he's at the house, it's also part of her role to discipline him. Her DH can't have it both ways.

PhilomenaPunk · 01/04/2025 12:43

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/04/2025 12:40

Isn't it? If it is part of her role to care for him when he's at the house, it's also part of her role to discipline him. Her DH can't have it both ways.

Show quote history

I’ll bet the OP’s partner doesn’t mind her parenting her stepson when her partner needs her to provide childcare, or cook for her SS or iron his clothes or clean up after him. I love how so many stepmothers are expected to behave exactly like a parent up until the point of providing discipline.

NPET · 01/04/2025 12:57

CroissantOfFur · 01/04/2025 00:10

I would be tempted to break into song every time I heard the SS go into the loo:

"If you sprinkle
when you tinkle
be a sweetie
wipe the seatie"

I'm trying to think of a good tune to sing it to :

I'm thinking of Beethoven's Ode To Joy or maybe The Rolling Stone's I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

what do you think?

I never understand that rhyme. I think it's intended more for girls who hover or squat.
After all, boys should always lift the seat AND REPLACE IT AFTERWARDS!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/04/2025 13:25

Soontobesingles · 01/04/2025 09:43

Sure. But he is being allowed by her DH. It isn’t the role of the stepparent to discipline the child and if her DH won’t to it that’s a DH problem. You don’t insult a child.

Show quote history

If SS is doing something in her house that is rude or disrespectful then OP has as much right to discipline him as her DH. What is she supposed to do, stand by and let the dirty little sod carry on as he is?

TheHerboriste · 01/04/2025 13:52

PhilomenaPunk · 01/04/2025 12:43

I’ll bet the OP’s partner doesn’t mind her parenting her stepson when her partner needs her to provide childcare, or cook for her SS or iron his clothes or clean up after him. I love how so many stepmothers are expected to behave exactly like a parent up until the point of providing discipline.

Show quote history

Exactly, it’s ridiculous. I’ll discipline anyone under my roof as I see fit.

40YearOldDad · 01/04/2025 13:59

if, at 14, he can't piss into a toilet, and he's been repeatedly asked about it, and he's still doing it, yes, it is trampy behaviour. call him out on it. Being nice is not working.

100% make your partner clean up his piss and see how long it takes him to have a word with him

Serpentstooth · 01/04/2025 14:05

You know your new shirt/ jacket/ new favourite item of clothing? Next time you leave the loo in this state I'll be wiping it up with that. I had to do this once only. Mega tantrum but effective.

BettyBoo000 · 01/04/2025 17:53

ionlysaidone1 · 31/03/2025 19:50

Aibu?

DHs older son is 14. He doesn't treat the house with any respect when he's here and I understand that can just be teens so I try so hard to bite my tongue.

But one thing I cannot stand is the state of the toilet whenever he's here. He will literally piss all over it, down the back of the toilet, sometimes it's on the floor etc..

I have tried REPEATEDLY to bring this up with DH who minimises completely saying it's not that bad, only takes two seconds to clean up, I'm exaggerating, it's not his son despite it only happening when he's here obviously.

I have taken to shouting DSS in every time I notice it and making him clean the toilet but it's still happening. He's revolting.

Anyway, tonight I came to use the bathroom after SS and lo and behold the seat is a mess again, piss in the back between the cistern and toilet seat. I was so annoyed that I just went WHAT A FUCKING TRAMP! And then shouted SS to get in there and clean it up.

SS didn't hear the tramp comment but DH did and now he's furious.

I've apologised for calling SS a tramp

but said I won't apologise for being angry at this happening AGAIN.

H thinks I've committed some cardinal sin calling his son a tramp but honestly, if the shoe fits! If he doesn't like it he should do more to get through to his son.

I'm so over this situation it's disgusting.

You’re spot on after repeatedly telling him to clean after his own mess no wonder you said that. And it’s not acceptable he should know how to go to the toilet properly that’s what young kids get told its disgusting and when does it end don’t feel guilty you had enough and your partner should understand if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a son from a previous doing that I’m sure he would say something

whatsgoingon2024 · 01/04/2025 17:56

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/03/2025 19:57

Fucking hell. This is apparently a thing that boys/men do in order to intimidate girls/women. (I was listening to a thing about it on R4.) I mean, WTF?

Standing over them and making them scrub it clean, and I mean properly clean, is the only thing I can think of but it's no wonder men's facilities stink of piss.

Gross.

I wouldn't want to live with that.

People talk about men’s toilets smelling of urine but women are no better. Tampons thrown on the floor and used sanitary towels left on the sink to name a few. Perfectly good bins available. There’s a reason some
of us hover!

NoKnit · 01/04/2025 18:00

FGS make all men in your household sit down. I couldn't put up with that. Men sitting down on toilets is totally normal on the continent. My husband soon caught on and trained my sons to always sit. They wouldn't even contemplate standing. Toilets are for sitting on. How stupid can people be?

Glasgowgal200 · 01/04/2025 18:08

Wonder if he does it at his mums house as well or if its just at yours he's just being a rebellious teen step child!!!! Disgusting 🤢🤢🤢

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2025 18:16

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 31/03/2025 20:45

Teenage boys so do wee on the toilet seat! It's gross but they do 😭

Thank goodness I have a girl anyway

Some teenage boys...

My DH, DS and DGS do not and did not

Mielikki · 01/04/2025 18:19

Giving a 14 year old lad an earful for being a disgusting wee shite is ‘abusive’? I’ve heard everything now, there are some right handmaidens on this thread.