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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
gannett · 01/04/2025 08:34

Walkden · 01/04/2025 02:14

"He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't"

Except the op has already said she is the wealthy one and he is the poorer partner who "rents" instead of "owns"....

If the sexes were reversed and the op was worrying about ended up stuck with the DIY, plus domestic chores and "mental loads" I imagine the responses would be somewhat different

Well exactly. We see threads about this exact scenario every day on MN except it's usually the woman who has higher standards about mess, but did not have the conversation about domestic standards before moving in.

I'm the messy one who moved in with DP, the neat one. He didn't lay out "conditions" but we had a conversation about compromises. I upped my game in some areas, and in others DP accepted that no improvement would be forthcoming. It's worked out well.

I wouldn't have accepted the OP's boyfriend's conditions - like many PP I believe drip-drying is more hygienic so I would never commit to physically drying up every night. Then the ball is in his court as to whether he accepts that. It's a negotiation, and it's probably more helpful for domestic harmony later on (or to find out you're incompatible before moving in together).

TheRoundTable1983 · 01/04/2025 09:00

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 20:51

This whole conversation started because we are deciding to have kids or not and feel we need to live together way before we can reach that stage. I said I was on the fence but want to keep the kids option on the table, he now says he wants to.

Now I almost regret saying anything even if it meant just living apart without kids. The relationship was perfect before. The genie is out of the bottle.

Edited

Why?! See it as a blessing! Better to know now! The relationship wasn’t perfect unless you were planning never to live together so none of these flags would have ever been identified. I wouldn’t be moving in or having kids with this person. I’d be ending the relationship.

DemelzaandRoss · 01/04/2025 09:33

Run for the hills. What a lucky escape.

lazycats · 01/04/2025 10:00

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:05

To me it’s weird because everything feels
smooth when we stay with each other. We both take turns cooking, the place is tidy when he comes and vice versa.

these feel like odd hills to die on.

You said he was on the spectrum. It’s fine to not want to live with someone if the way that presents itself makes it too hard, but it’s really bizarre to constantly talk about it like he’s neurotypically dickish and you don’t know why.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 10:07

lazycats · 01/04/2025 10:00

You said he was on the spectrum. It’s fine to not want to live with someone if the way that presents itself makes it too hard, but it’s really bizarre to constantly talk about it like he’s neurotypically dickish and you don’t know why.

Edited
Show quote history

Doesnt make it easier to live with regardless of the cause.

My partner is on the spectrum. He will nitpick silly things such as drying dishes but (if i wasn't around) he'd happily not change his sheets and sleep in a dirty bed for weeks.

Sleeping on the same sheets for weeks is vile and he knows i won't put up with it so he changes them now. Yet he goes nuts at not drying cutlery immediately.

Being on the spectrum doesn't mean it absolve you of any effort at all or make it any easier to deal with.

Edit-ND people can be dicks too. Don't pretend they can't be.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 01/04/2025 10:13

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 19:15

Exactly!

I have told him there are things about him less than perfect but I don’t keep a list at the ready because my love trumps all.

He is on the spectrum so maybe that

Edited

Do you have much fun together, make each other laugh?
I don't think you sound compatible, don't rush into it.

WeeOrcadian · 01/04/2025 10:18

He's trying to dictate to you how YOU live, not ground rules you BOTH agree to

He's a walking red flag

The hills are that way ⏩

lazycats · 01/04/2025 10:26

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 10:07

Doesnt make it easier to live with regardless of the cause.

My partner is on the spectrum. He will nitpick silly things such as drying dishes but (if i wasn't around) he'd happily not change his sheets and sleep in a dirty bed for weeks.

Sleeping on the same sheets for weeks is vile and he knows i won't put up with it so he changes them now. Yet he goes nuts at not drying cutlery immediately.

Being on the spectrum doesn't mean it absolve you of any effort at all or make it any easier to deal with.

Edit-ND people can be dicks too. Don't pretend they can't be.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course they can. But it is objectively strange for the OP to keep wondering aloud why he’s like this when there’s a very obvious answer. People were already suggesting it before she confirmed.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2025 10:41

@JMSA I agree it’s maybe better to have these conversations before , if only to weed out totally anal people who would be a right pain in the arse to live with - I give you mr ‘paper cups and plates only’ - no washing up or mess tolerated who I ended up stuck with for a few years- even hated me cooking as it created ‘mess’ - he came from a pretty poor background and hence wanted the house like a Barrett showhouse- never saw this till I moved in- he hid it well

BunnyLake · 01/04/2025 10:59

An ex-bf was like this but he wasn’t on the spectrum. His mother wasn’t very loving or nurturing and he pretty much had to fend for himself from a very young age (his dad was a lot older than his mother). It resulted in someone so nit-picky and precise it became untenable for me to stay with him (six years). We did have fun and get on very well with each other if you took that side of him away.

Funny though that if it was something he did or didn’t do, that was ok but if I fell short, well that was just not good enough. My sympathy for his early beginnings ran out and I left to save my own sanity and self esteem as it started to bleed into other things, like criticising what I ate or if I was hungry when he wasn’t (so why am I hungry, am I just greedy. I was 5’6” and about 8.5 stone so if I wanted to eat more often than him why the hell do I need his approval 😡). I would never want to be with someone like that again.

Original poster
GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:07

A PP mentioned he is treating the relationship like a box ticking exercise.

I agree.

I brought up living together with excitement for the next stage. I haven’t found that in him. Because he’s neurodivergent and I was never going to get that.

It is hard to feel so loved all this time, to now feeling picked on for whether I had a light switch fixed in time, or this other thing. And even just the knowledge he’s kept this list in his head.

OP posts:
Petra42 · 01/04/2025 11:43

@GlorificusT I think ND people mask stuff and show their best side, which is great/like most people. Personally I'd keep dating but not live together. I think you'll soon see how compatible you are. With my partner, he is really lovely and I felt like a stick in the mud for not wanting to live with anyone. However as months went on, it's been pretty obvious i made the right decision.

Original poster
GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:59

@Petra42 i think you are right that he must have been masking.

we could probably live like this forever and work out.

On the other hand, I’m still leaning towards having children than not and that will never happen if I stay like this. I don’t hate the idea of being childfree either but staying with him means choosing that I think.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 01/04/2025 12:05

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 21:21

@OutwiththeOutCrowd I don’t disagree.

Hes actually very romantic day to day. Last time I ran a bath at his I went to get in and had a glass of wine waiting!

We also just had a great weekend at a gallery and then bar hopping. Great sex. Also deep conversations and support each other. He helped me through a recent bereavement. So much is good.

But then there’s these horrible staid conversations about rules and next steps.

Edited

If you read the thread on being married to men with ASD you may discover that he is fantastic at the time you are his “special interest” but that this intense romantic phase ends and he simply stops being the dating hero he was. In addition the early romantic phase is often thrown out after children come as he will not be able to tolerate the chaos, noise, and highly variable demands that children make on their environment.

Petra42 · 01/04/2025 12:05

I genuinely think read the Aspergers thread and see what you think. Plenty of NT/ND relationships work out but plenty don't. I think you should think hard because having kids can put a massive strain on things. Mess is just one part.

NonComm · 01/04/2025 12:17

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:00

YANBU

Those are minor things.

He can fucking well live alone, then, can't he.

Absolutely. Also, isn’t that called ‘negging’ so that a woman ‘ups her game’ to earn his approval…..

ZoggyStirdust · 01/04/2025 12:19

NonComm · 01/04/2025 12:17

Absolutely. Also, isn’t that called ‘negging’ so that a woman ‘ups her game’ to earn his approval…..

Show quote history

And what is it called when a man has to up his game?

reasonable? Having boundaries?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 12:26

ZoggyStirdust · 01/04/2025 12:19

And what is it called when a man has to up his game?

reasonable? Having boundaries?

Edited
Show quote history

Usually no more than asking him to aim properly when he pees and scrub his own skidmarks off the bowl.

BunnyLake · 01/04/2025 13:04

GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:07

A PP mentioned he is treating the relationship like a box ticking exercise.

I agree.

I brought up living together with excitement for the next stage. I haven’t found that in him. Because he’s neurodivergent and I was never going to get that.

It is hard to feel so loved all this time, to now feeling picked on for whether I had a light switch fixed in time, or this other thing. And even just the knowledge he’s kept this list in his head.

Edited

It’ll get worse. More things will be added to his list as time goes on. I’ve lived it, never regretted leaving.

Flavourful · 01/04/2025 13:06

Ooh there just the jobs you intend him to do when he moves in, did he not know this??? Silly man! Bin him

BunnyLake · 01/04/2025 13:08

GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:59

@Petra42 i think you are right that he must have been masking.

we could probably live like this forever and work out.

On the other hand, I’m still leaning towards having children than not and that will never happen if I stay like this. I don’t hate the idea of being childfree either but staying with him means choosing that I think.

I left my bf who was like that when i was 39. I still ended up having two children with someone else (who unfortunately also turned out to be Mr Wrong) but I have two great adult children. (Totally given up on relationships now and much happier for it).

Starfishfriend · 01/04/2025 13:18

What happens if you don’t follow the rules? What happens if youre pregnant or have a newborn and a difficult birth and you can’t put the dishes away quick enough? Does he break up with you? Or do you just get ‘told off’ ?
how’s he going to cope with a poo explosion when he loses it over crumbs you can’t even see. How will he treat children who don’t follow his rules.
I would run a mile personally

You can have general guidelines eg I prefer if we put the dishes away when possible, but for it to be an ultimatum for moving in is a massive red flag.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2025 13:22

@pikkumyy77 I think this poster summed it up nicely OP - he’s great as a date/romance or even if you wanted to remain child free and you yourself had a broom up your backside/anal tendencies- but as for being a family man - he won’t cope with the chaos, mess, noise and will make your kids lives a misery too - sorry I just don’t think it would work out unless you want to remain childless in your show home ‘home’ -

PointsSouth · 01/04/2025 13:29

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 10:07

Doesnt make it easier to live with regardless of the cause.

My partner is on the spectrum. He will nitpick silly things such as drying dishes but (if i wasn't around) he'd happily not change his sheets and sleep in a dirty bed for weeks.

Sleeping on the same sheets for weeks is vile and he knows i won't put up with it so he changes them now. Yet he goes nuts at not drying cutlery immediately.

Being on the spectrum doesn't mean it absolve you of any effort at all or make it any easier to deal with.

Edit-ND people can be dicks too. Don't pretend they can't be.

Edited
Show quote history

…idle interest….

How often isn’t vile?

WoodyOwl · 01/04/2025 13:32

If you lived together, surely he could arrange for the light fitting to be sorted if it bothered him. Likewise why would the dishes be your solely your responsibility if you were to move in together?

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