Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

You’ll never get a moment’s peace

Agreed with those saying run.

My ex gave me two sides of A4 of 'rules' when she asked me to move in with her. None of which to me were an issue as I'd never done drugs, had parties or even planned to have parties, used an incense burner or similar things.

The issue should have been noticing her controlling nature. That controlling got worse and worse.

Oh it could be being on the spectrum. Needing things just so. You need to find a way of negotiating that together.

Don't move in with him. He's going to be a real pita.

Sounds like you both need several cats.

He could always try drying the dishes himself if he’s that bothered, as could you.

I’m on the fence here because in some ways I wish I’d not ignored my husband’s slovenly ways before moving in together. He makes me look like the tidy one and that takes some doing. But mostly we laugh about it. It’s more your BF’s apparent inflexibility that would concern me. And why would he be waiting for YOU to call the joiner/electrician to fix something if HE lived there too? There’s going to be times in life when he’ll need to be more chill about the small housework type things. And definitely if you want something done a certain way, do it yourself! When kids, pets, busy jobs etc are in the mix my motto is “s/he who does it, does it right”.

I bet you it was actually him that never lifted a finger in the house and not his ex.
I've had 2 exes in the past say the same sort of thing about their exes and it turned out it was them doing bugger all in the house, not their exes 🙄

Why would you move on with someone who is already criticising you?
Little niggles become big niggles. He's already trying to change you into someone else.

I kind of see his point. If these things niggle him now it will get 10000 times worse after 5 years of putting up with it. Some people have different standards/priorities and that's okay. It's okay if he doesn't feel able to live like that and it's okay if you do and perhaps it's better to know now than have an argument about something stupid in 6 months time and realise you can't stand living together. Perhaps you're not ready yet (as a couple) to live together and need more time living apart before taking that step. I know couples that have been together for 17yrs and still keep separate houses. We split chores and it means everyone understands their roles but if one of us is ill or busy then the other one will help. Perhaps defining roles will help him see how you can live together at some point.

The Misery Loves Co. strikes again. Never ask MN if you should be in a relationship.

If you like each other and enjoy each other's company, go for it. He's being sensible and telling you which small things really grate on his nerves, before they're actually an issue.

We all have things about our partners that annoy us, but often we only find out too late, when we're already constantly getting annoyed. Most people don't blow up the relationship because of these small issues, but it would certainly be better if we could have avoided them in the first place.

Well if you lived together then he could fix the light and dry the dishes if it bothers him that much. Is he expecting you to do everything?

Whilst I think some of his expectations are reasonable, the reality is that you have different approaches to how a home should be, and that means I think you should not be living together. A relationship with each having their own home is perfectly possible, so I don't suggest it means the end of your relationship necessarily.

I read once that when it comes right down to it couples often don't split over the big things but the little things that drive them mad over time like leaving lights on or not not scraping off plates before washing.

When you live with someone you need to compromise I am a real night owl who loves to stay up late but I got to bed by midnight now to suit my husband and he eats a mostly veggie diet day to day because that is what suits me.

If you don't want to or aren't ready to compromise then perhaps you aren't ready to move in with him?

Sadly, he is not right for you, sorry I know you love him but he is a nit picker and will find fault in you for the rest of your relationship.

These are huge red flags, pls take heed. Do not move in with him it'll be hell. Find the right man for you who loves you fir you x

Nope

Bye bye hyper critical boyfriend!!

Oh fuck that! How finicky.

Weird

Honestly, I would slow all this down and take time to figure out whether these red flags are him being a bit silly as a one off or a bit anxious or whether they point to a more general pattern of him needing things his way and being a bit selfish.

Hmm it doesn’t bode well for harmonious living, but good to find out now before you made the move.

It seems he’s got very low tolerance for compromise and sharing a living space. I wonder about the last relationship and whether it was more of a him problem, presumably we don’t actually know the ex’s perspective?

I don’t get he’s that interested in living together either or these gripes wouldn’t be his first thought.

Mainly I wouldn’t want to be walking on eggshells in my own home.

I see the reasoning, but I have to say that I have never had that discussion before moving in with someone (or having them move in with me).
The question to ask yourself isn't "can I live with him/her" . The really important question is "can I live without them?"

Of course you can live without them, you'd have to if they got hit by a bus.

But if these basic discussions aren't had before taking the huge step of moving in together, the reality of living with the person you thought you couldn't live without, can come as a huge shock.

Well yes you're right on both counts.

I think living with someone new always comes as a big shock anyway. My DP and I have very different views about how to run the house, but the point is that we accommodate each other because we value being together.

Massive red flags ..don't move in with him!

The feeling of 'can't live without' passes quickly. The misery of someone who annoys you lasts forever.

If there's doubt there's no doubt. If there's something that 1% bothers you at the start after a few years it will be unbearable.

The OP needs to get out now or she will be making both of them miserable.