Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

But then you're not on the spectrum. He won't have realised he's annoyed you.

If he hasn't fixed your light switch or dried the dishes, is he going to enhance your 'sanctuary' or just invade it?

Exactly this. They start as jokey little things...and in time he'll be controlling everything. Been there done that. You end up a shadow of yourself and it's awful.

Don’t do it!
the things that annoy him about you now (and vice versa) will increase in number and intensity,

He sounds controlling. Is he like this in other areas?

Lundy Bancroft in “Why Does He Do That” writes of men who nurture a Garden of Resentment which they carefully cultivate, nurture, visit, enjoy. They plant seeds for each of your perceived “sins” and enjoy watching you commit them over again, growing a whole giant mental haven where they can retreat full of self righteous resentment. They become thoroughly good guys in these gardens who are putting up with awful things, and as the garden expands, so does their delicious resentment.

I don’t know if this is the case with your guy but it was my experience with a man and I became a tormented, defensive shell of myself. For me the red flag here is his having counted your vices, and what it might predict for the future. You don’t want to live with a man who grows a garden of resentment. It’s hell.

If he doesn't like the dishes drying over night why doesn't he do....Get rid pompous git

Pretty much that ^^

If that's what pops into his head when you talk to him about living together, then I'd be dumping his pathetic arse!!

Waking up with you every morning should be a privilege & he's pissing around about how long you leave the dishes to dry??

NEXT...

Yes to that.

Anyone with a 'crazy' or thoroughly deficient ex needs to be avoided.

He's playing you off against this chimera. You are supposed to feel he likes you better because he's chosen to be with you instead of her. In reality, there's always pressure not to fall short of his 'standards', and you will realise eventually that you're next on the list of exes who failed miserably.

People like this are not capable of true connection with another human.

He's already showing his true colours, being petty and controlling.

So, I don't think you're being reasonable nor unreasonable.

You asked your boyfriend a question about a very serious step in your relationship and he answered it with full transparency - is it not better to know what would and wouldn't irritate him before you move in together? Also, this is a perfect opportunity for you to think about what habits he may have that you may struggle to tolerate once you live together.

Dishes is a massive one for me as when I lived with my ex, I would always do the glass ware first and rinsed it under hot water so that it didn't leave any marks, but he would think nothing of just throwing the glasses in after he'd washed something oily or grimy, meaning it would have to be rewashed.

Some people reading this may think "get a grip" but it's little things like that that build up over time and can end up having a very detrimental effect on a relationship.

I'd maybe put off living with him for the time being.

Walk away. Run. This will only get far, far worse. Leave.

Sounds like he wants to live in his mum's house. Perhaps he should have suggested, he could fix the light switch or put the dishes away?

I've just read your other posts.

If he wants kids then he's going to absolutely have to alter his expectations of cleanliness!

For what it's worth, I feel like your stance is "a little mess is ok" and I very much side with that.

Don't live together,I think it will only get worse if you move in with him,you are better off staying in your own place, and if he brings up the subject, just say no thanks I am happy as I am,by the way I also use to leave dishes to dry,much more hygienic then using a teatowel to dry them.

He probably criticised everything she done and she thought it " you are so bloody perfect do it yourself " does he think he does things better than everyone else in work ? Criticises his work mates? If so I would have a long think about the next step. he sounds as if he may be a narcissist. And it his way or the highway

My guy is on the spectrum. If I leave something half done, he asks if it's okay for him to finish it. He has a keen eye for detail (euphemism here) but he never says anything. He does what needs doing if he thinks it needs to be done. This BF of yours sounds a real Critical Parent.

Start thinking of your own list like does he leave the toilet seat up?

I'm just amazed at the poster who suggested that "if moving in together you must be on tenancy or mortgage together ( fair/ equal)". First of all being on the mortgage together simply means you have taken on liability for a debt. Secondly, why would you give half of your house to somebody you just moved in with? My husband is on the spectrum and we've been married over 30 years and I still get breakfast in bed most mornings. He is tolerant of my more messy nature.

He sounds like a real catch.

One that you'd throw back.

Gosh.

run for the hills!

The thing that bothers me most more than any criticism of washing up practises is his lack of excitement for living together and potential future plans. If you suggest moving in it should be a mutual hell yes lets do it! Same with children- you need to both be on the same page.
You know him/your relationship best and with being ND, it might not be the case at all that he's not excited just that his mind has jumped to the practical and that's his focus at this moment in time.
I've had a few 'nearly' relationships when dating- I would say though that if you can't say a wholehearted yes without a single doubt then any element of 'I'm not sure' means no. Always trust your instincts.
Best of luck to you OP- I hope all works out positively.

He's just given you his red flags for not living with him. I wouldn't be moving.in with him if he's got issues with dishes drying overnight.

How about becoming another of his 'ex's?

He's making it seem like you're desperate to be with him. Are you?

Walk.

He’s telling you before you move in, he could have waited and moaned after.

Ooh this is an enormous red flag! I was already going to say don’t move in with him, but definitely don’t live with someone who has set up a “demon ex” that you must never be like.

He’ll be saying this re his ex to try to make you take on more than your share of housework so as not to be like her.

The whole thing is a a massive car crash waiting to happen. You can’t move in with someone who is setting conditions like this, or asking you to “audition” to be their partner.

You’ll be on egg shells all the time trying to live up to his standards- which will snowball once you’ve moved in. You’ll never be able to relax!