Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

Negging is when a man disparages a woman in order to cripple her self confidence and create enough anxiety in her that she will tie herself in knots to win his approval.

Requesting that a female partner do more gendered labour in the home isn’t negging, necessarily. But its not the same as a female partner requesting that her male partner assume equal chores in a shared space.

If he had said “I like to be sure all dishes are put away at the end of the evening and that all light switches are attended to and I would prioritize that if we were living together “ that is quite reasonable. What he proposed is more like the owner of a hotel downgrading the household staff. That’s not ok.

I change weekly. Id cope with 2 weeks from him but he's talking weeks and weeks.

OP you said this. "On the other hand I was a happy single woman before this".
I think that is real truth, you cannot unsay it or un think whatever was going through your mind.

I had a bf like this and over time the criticism of me got much worse. We didn't live together. It started off by him being upset that I left the lid off toothpaste in my own home and ended up with horrible critical ten page long letters when he was working away.

He sounds like he's trying to put the issue off without actually saying so. I'd love alone and get to know each other more.

I can only presume you are joking about drip drying?

He even said his family are nit picky about how clean his home is so I know where he gets it.

I'd be running a mile from this kind of future.

The crux of this is if he would be okay with you sharing your conditions. When I moved in with my DP, he had gone from living with his parents to living with me, I had lived independently since I was 16 so we had very different ideas about our shared space. It almost split us up. We had a sit down conversation and drew up what is basically a contract. It was a bit Sheldon Cooper style, but to this day it still stands and still works. He has ADHD and I have ASD, and for us it’s definitely a necessity because sometimes the nature of these two conditions can make us but heads, but I really do think a contract or a set of rules is a good idea for everyone.

Or he could just do those things himself, if they bother him!

My DH retired last September. He told me he didn't like the way I loaded the dishwasher. Ok darling you can load it your way was my response.

Wow romance and fun is dead. Total control freak. What on earth is the matter with letting dishes dry over night? The mind BOGGLES

etterAt least he is being honest about how he rolls. I'm sorry that it doesn't look promising between you two. Better to know now.

I never dry my dishes, it's so unhygienic. Leave to dry naturally, rather than rubbing an old tea towel on everything ...

Why would you spend your time doing a task (drying dishes), that automatically does itself overnight?! He sounds fussy and dull and I wouldn't like to live with him. Fair enough if you left filthy plates for days or you'd left a light fitting unsafe for months, but those examples are so minor.

Have you been on holiday together ? Like a airbnb/ self catering thing ? It might give you a snapshot of what co-habiting might be like. Give you both an opportunity to negotiate your way through the issues. Living together is all about communication and give and take.

His way may be different to yours, and you will have to accept that you both may have to change to make things work.

I hate hoovering and mopping. So, my hubby who thinks the whole house needs hoovering and mopping needs doing daily...he does it.
He hates other chores or the frequency of how often I think they need doing....so I do them on my schedule.
This is the reality. Talk. See if both of you can being flexible and accommodating.

If he's 'keeping a list' and you are 'pissed off about that' and that's the end of it...neither of you are ready to share a living space with anyone else, IMHO.

Oh god.
have you ever ‘sleeping with the enemy’?

RED FLAG!!!!

Did she really not lift a finger or did she just not do things to his standard or when he thought they should be done? Like eating and saying "oh sod the pots lets do them in a bit" so he "had" to do them....?

get rid of him NOW what a loser

If he doesn't like the way you live,he knows what he can do! He sounds a bit controlling.

That's quite strict, really.

We change ours pretty regularly. Every Good Friday, whether they need it or not.

Don't move in with him. In fact, if I was you I'd dump him! If he's being so petty now, how's he going to be when you two start to live together?
He sounds like a control freak to me!

Hmmm, I'm assuming he's practically perfect in every way, then.
This seems like 'negging', it's a power play tactic
It design model is to keep the person being 'negged' chasing and trying to live up to the person's standards which are unobtainable, as the goal posts will move.
This is coersive behaviour, don't move in ,swerve that bullet.

L and I can not stress this enough O L— my retired dh has also found fulfillment in loading and unloading the dishwasher.

People actually dry dishes????!

He is free to fix things and dry the dishes once you live together.... Or would he expect YOU to do all household tasks?
Wait don't tell me, I think I know the answer!