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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

457 replies

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 14:36

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

OP posts:
Hazeby · 31/03/2025 15:45

A nice long post with lots of detail except a very important one - why is she furious?

ThDanielDay · 31/03/2025 15:46

Ignore the daft twat

Pandimoanymum · 31/03/2025 15:48

This can't be real, surely? If it is, the SiL is unhinged.

HygerTyger · 31/03/2025 15:50

WompWompBoom · 31/03/2025 14:43

What on earth is she saying in her tongue lashings? She's off her rocker. I think she was awful to exclude your DB at the last minute anyway and he sounds like he took it with good grace. He then got to spend then day in a different way.

Agree with this. She sounds very dramatic and self centred. She's extremely unreasonable to be having a go at you and your parents on top.

SpeedwellBlue · 31/03/2025 15:51

I don't understand what she's annoyed about, so yanbu

TokyoSushi · 31/03/2025 15:52

I was going to say SIL is batshit, but I can see that it's already been said!

orangedream · 31/03/2025 15:53

Is the SIL annoyed that your brother put you in a position where you had to shell out for a meal for four when you had planned to cook? That he didn't even split it with you when he would have lost the £200 otherwise?

Thebloodynine · 31/03/2025 15:54

That’s a good point from PP. Why didn’t you split the bill with your brother? I can’t believe he took all the money from you.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 31/03/2025 15:56

Ah. Did SIL possibly end up having quite a crap time with her DM and is now annoyed other people had a good time?

user6209817643 · 31/03/2025 15:56

FrenchandSaunders · 31/03/2025 14:39

£200 deposit 😳

£50 a head? Not massively unreasonable, its just insurance against people not cancelling in good time.
I booked somewhere cheapish recently for DD and her friends, they wanted £30 a head. Seems to be how its done now, expect they've got fed up of numerous no-shows and being left with empty tables.

And Sil sounds mad as a box of frogs. Ignore her until she calms down!

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2025 15:56

So she has a bad case of FOMO?

She chose not to go and you lot shouldnt go in case you god forbid, have a good time that she missed out on?

If she starts again I would be very dismissive, say "Dont be so ridiculous" and ignore any further mention of it going forward.

LBFseBrom · 31/03/2025 15:57

You did nothing wrong, on the contrary, you were in the right.

Your sister in law will calm down and see sense, don't worry about it.

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 16:00

To answer a few questions:

We’re in London and £50 a head deposit is quite normal for “occasion days”, the restaurant doesn’t make any distinction between adults and children unfortunately which is why it was £200 in total.

I hardly think I’m a doormat, I paid because it was my plan / my day to treat my parents as per my OP (my DB already took my parents out and paid the previous weekend for Mother’s Day so not sure why you think he should pay twice) and I had no problem paying for my DB just like he’s had no problem paying for me on other occasions. Also, I was able to cancel my online shop which was arriving on Sunday morning (I had planned a 4 course meal with nice meats, cheeseboard and alcohol) so I wasn’t out “double” money if that makes sense. There was also no pressure from my DB to take him up on the reservation, I was actually grateful at being saved the work as I’m not doing too well at the minute so I was for it. If I decided I wanted to stay home and cook he would have just joined us with no issue.

Yes SIL is a difficult character but we’ve never really been on the receiving end in such a way before (she’s usually placated) so it’s come as a shock.

To those asking, I don’t know what SIL’s problem is which is why I thought I’d ask here, I don’t think we’ve done anything wrong but when you’re on the receiving end of such forceful anger it makes you question yourself which is why I thought I’d ask here in case there was something glaringly obvious we’d all missed. She was literally shouting down the phone so it wasn’t a two way conversation where I could get any sort of coherent answers out of her. Her complaints were all very vague “I can’t believe you would do that”, “how dare you treat me and the children like this” etc. She also does know I paid as she said “you paying doesn’t make your disgusting behaviour any better, in fact it makes it worse” which I’m completely baffled by, did she think my DB should pay?!

As for my DB, he has no clue what her problem is either (she’s told him that if he doesn’t know, she can’t help him) but he’s furious about the whole situation; as far as he’s concerned he invited us so my parents and I haven’t done anything wrong so any problem SIL has should be between them and she shouldn’t have dragged us (especially my parents) into it and she certainly shouldn’t have spoken to us in the way she has. To be honest, it’s opened up a whole can of worms between them about SIL’s mother and how controlling she is and SIL’s inability to say no to her.

From my understanding, SIL didn’t have a good Mother’s Day so maybe you’re right and that’s actually the problem; SIL’s mother is equally as difficult as SIL so maybe that’s another side to it.

OP posts:
HygerTyger · 31/03/2025 16:00

Thebloodynine · 31/03/2025 15:54

That’s a good point from PP. Why didn’t you split the bill with your brother? I can’t believe he took all the money from you.

I was thinking the same. Brother was going to lose the deposit, so he should have chipped in to treat your parents. He didn’t even pay for himself!

Tagyoureit · 31/03/2025 16:01

I'd love to know what she actually said during these tongue lashings!!

She sounds absolutely batshit though and you've done nothing wrong, and she should be grateful the £200 deposit wasn't lost!

Sparkletastic · 31/03/2025 16:03

I think your DB might need some support. If that is how SIL behaves to others imagine what she’s like at home 😳

Crackanut · 31/03/2025 16:04

orangedream · 31/03/2025 15:53

Is the SIL annoyed that your brother put you in a position where you had to shell out for a meal for four when you had planned to cook? That he didn't even split it with you when he would have lost the £200 otherwise?

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us

The lengths some people will go to to excuse bad behavious is unreal.

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:04

It is very odd to even be remotely uncertain about this OP

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:05

Is your SIL conveying this anger all via a family WhatsApp group? Or similar messaging

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:05

I suspect that your DB and his wife have a very unhappy marriage

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 31/03/2025 16:06

From your update I think you’re onto the right train of thought now OP. Your SILs utterly unreasonable and downright rude behaviour to you & your parents is absolutely nothing to do with your family and EVERYTHING to do with hers.
I’d leave the entire situation be for now, ensure your DB knows you’re there for support if he needs it, and (hopefully) await an apology at some point… (or a divorce announcement from your DB 😬)

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2025 16:06

Well for his sake I hope that this the beginning of the end of their marriage.

SparklyBrickViper · 31/03/2025 16:08

Attention seeking drama Queen.

Ignore her or make it clear you expect an apology for her “disgusting behaviour”.

meganorks · 31/03/2025 16:08

My guess would be that she chose the restaurant and was really looking forward to going but felt she had to cancel and go to her mums. But she didn't really want to and now she is jealous that everyone else has had 'her' mothers day.

She is still absolutely in the wrong though. And surely she could have just gone to her mums for a bit and kept the reservation.

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 31/03/2025 16:10

Just read your update. Fuck me. Your poor DB. Abd the poor kids. She sounds a bit deranged. Like proper double bind territory. Genuinely worrying….

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