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Original poster

SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

457 replies

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 14:36

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/03/2025 16:11

😳 wit your update I can only assume FOMO from a lovely meal and the fact she had a shit day due to her own mother.

Perhaps your DB was supposed to either stop SIL going and/or also have a shit day and be miserable too? Plus be £200 out of pocket.

Goldbar · 31/03/2025 16:12

I would tell SIL not to be controlling.

She has no say in what you or your parents do, and what your brother does when she's made plans that don't involve him.

"SIL, butt out. This was a family outing, just like you had a family event with your mum. None of your business".

InterIgnis · 31/03/2025 16:14

Neither of you are obliged to tolerate this, sister/SIL or not.

The only reasons I can think of as to why she would be mad is that it’s a control thing and you weren’t supposed to make a (sensible) decision without her express permission, or that she’s resentful of your financial situation and enjoyed the thought of you losing money with the £200 being wasted.

FullOfLemons · 31/03/2025 16:14

You are giving this too much headspace.

Ignore and leave your in SIL to your brother.

Crumpleton · 31/03/2025 16:14

Doubt your SIL would listen but reality is whatever is bothering her it's her own doing.

If anyone I think it's your brother that should be miffed, he'd arranged a meal out for his DW and DC for mothers day and at the click of a finger from her mother she's saying she'd rather go to see her.
If she cancelled on him, no thought about him losing his deposit, was she expecting him to sit at home all day, if so that's her own fault.

abnerbrownsdressinggown · 31/03/2025 16:14

Nope, I can't see what her issue is either.

I think SIL sounds like mother like daughter and she's probably just pissed off at your DB about something entirely different. Totally unecessary to bring you and your parents into it though.

Silvers11 · 31/03/2025 16:15

RandomMess · 31/03/2025 16:11

😳 wit your update I can only assume FOMO from a lovely meal and the fact she had a shit day due to her own mother.

Perhaps your DB was supposed to either stop SIL going and/or also have a shit day and be miserable too? Plus be £200 out of pocket.

What does FOMO mean @RandomMess ? I can't work it out!!

InterIgnis · 31/03/2025 16:18

Silvers11 · 31/03/2025 16:15

What does FOMO mean @RandomMess ? I can't work it out!!

Show quote history

Fear of missing out.

LocalHobo · 31/03/2025 16:18

Why didn’t you split the bill with your brother? I can’t believe he took all the money from you. I would imagine brother accepted OP paying as he had been part of the previous weekends meal(and presumably contributed financially) to celebrate his Mother.
Does SIL resent her husband seeing his mother on Mothers Day, rather than spending the day with the Mother of his children? What, I'm trying to clumsily ask is, does SIL have a problem with her MIL rather than with you FreakingOutRightNow123.?

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:19

LocalHobo · 31/03/2025 16:18

Why didn’t you split the bill with your brother? I can’t believe he took all the money from you. I would imagine brother accepted OP paying as he had been part of the previous weekends meal(and presumably contributed financially) to celebrate his Mother.
Does SIL resent her husband seeing his mother on Mothers Day, rather than spending the day with the Mother of his children? What, I'm trying to clumsily ask is, does SIL have a problem with her MIL rather than with you FreakingOutRightNow123.?

The Op was having over yesterday on actual Mother’s Day. Not last week

FrodoBiggins · 31/03/2025 16:19

Another vote for NBU.

Guessing SIL had a shit day hearing about her DMs woes, wished she was out having a nice meal at a nice restaurant.

Finds out nice meal at nice restaurant happened without her.

Decided to take it out on you and your brother because... she's a bit of a prick?

Scottishskifun · 31/03/2025 16:20

RandomMess · 31/03/2025 16:11

😳 wit your update I can only assume FOMO from a lovely meal and the fact she had a shit day due to her own mother.

Perhaps your DB was supposed to either stop SIL going and/or also have a shit day and be miserable too? Plus be £200 out of pocket.

Would bet money on this is the reason! She's pissed off her treat is then no longer hers! But that's all her own making by accepting to go see her mum instead of saying we can see you after as we have a meal booked.

SpeedwellBlue · 31/03/2025 16:21

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 16:00

To answer a few questions:

We’re in London and £50 a head deposit is quite normal for “occasion days”, the restaurant doesn’t make any distinction between adults and children unfortunately which is why it was £200 in total.

I hardly think I’m a doormat, I paid because it was my plan / my day to treat my parents as per my OP (my DB already took my parents out and paid the previous weekend for Mother’s Day so not sure why you think he should pay twice) and I had no problem paying for my DB just like he’s had no problem paying for me on other occasions. Also, I was able to cancel my online shop which was arriving on Sunday morning (I had planned a 4 course meal with nice meats, cheeseboard and alcohol) so I wasn’t out “double” money if that makes sense. There was also no pressure from my DB to take him up on the reservation, I was actually grateful at being saved the work as I’m not doing too well at the minute so I was for it. If I decided I wanted to stay home and cook he would have just joined us with no issue.

Yes SIL is a difficult character but we’ve never really been on the receiving end in such a way before (she’s usually placated) so it’s come as a shock.

To those asking, I don’t know what SIL’s problem is which is why I thought I’d ask here, I don’t think we’ve done anything wrong but when you’re on the receiving end of such forceful anger it makes you question yourself which is why I thought I’d ask here in case there was something glaringly obvious we’d all missed. She was literally shouting down the phone so it wasn’t a two way conversation where I could get any sort of coherent answers out of her. Her complaints were all very vague “I can’t believe you would do that”, “how dare you treat me and the children like this” etc. She also does know I paid as she said “you paying doesn’t make your disgusting behaviour any better, in fact it makes it worse” which I’m completely baffled by, did she think my DB should pay?!

As for my DB, he has no clue what her problem is either (she’s told him that if he doesn’t know, she can’t help him) but he’s furious about the whole situation; as far as he’s concerned he invited us so my parents and I haven’t done anything wrong so any problem SIL has should be between them and she shouldn’t have dragged us (especially my parents) into it and she certainly shouldn’t have spoken to us in the way she has. To be honest, it’s opened up a whole can of worms between them about SIL’s mother and how controlling she is and SIL’s inability to say no to her.

From my understanding, SIL didn’t have a good Mother’s Day so maybe you’re right and that’s actually the problem; SIL’s mother is equally as difficult as SIL so maybe that’s another side to it.

she’s told him that if he doesn’t know, she can’t help him
In other words she doesn't want to give an explanation as she knows that any explanation she could give would sound stupid. Your poor brother ending up with her. My dad married an awful woman too.(My mum.)

Shegotanology · 31/03/2025 16:21

How does she treat your DB? She sounds completely batty and, at the very least, owes you an apology.

Doingmybestbut · 31/03/2025 16:26

SIL sounds difficult and her DM sounds worse. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Endofyear · 31/03/2025 16:29

So she wanted your brother to lose £200 and sit home all day by himself? How very odd and unreasonable of her. I would let your poor brother deal with her and consider it a bonus if she's not speaking to you! She sounds like a PITA!

Chezxx · 31/03/2025 16:30

Your SIL sounds nasty, out of control and completely unhinged.

She has absolutely no reason to be upset.
I can only imagine what goes on behing closed doors if this is in public.

Tell your brother you are there for him and I would actively avoid her.

She sounds like a total low class harridan.

PuppyMonkey · 31/03/2025 16:35

If this is all in WhatsApp or whatever, a nice simple “okay” might be ideal here? Grin

handsdownthebest · 31/03/2025 16:37

FreakingOutRightNow123 · 31/03/2025 14:36

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

Think you hit the nail on the head there. She had a shit Mother’s Day and you had a lovely time with your mum and DB.

Ddakji · 31/03/2025 16:37

Well, she sounds like a lunatic @FreakingOutRightNow123 so all you can do is block her and tell your DB that you won’t take any more abuse from her.

Zero2ten · 31/03/2025 16:37

SiL owes you and your parents an apology. Completely unfounded and uncalled for behaviour on her part. You’ve done nothing wrong at all. What you choose to do with your parents is nothing to do with her, be it Mother’s Day or any other day

Whyherewego · 31/03/2025 16:38

Wow I cannot for the life of me understand why she's upset ! Maybe because she wanted to still go to the restaurant another day? Either way it's all frankly bonkers

Organic82 · 31/03/2025 16:38

Face value, she’s unhinged

but I would guess a lot of shit is going on behind closed doors in the home of your SIL & DB

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2025 16:39

@FreakingOutRightNow123

At this point I'd be less worried about why SiL went batshit and more worried about my DB being in an abusive marriage. As another poster said, if she blows up like this to you, what must she do/say to him when no one's around.

So, I think I'd dismiss her hissy fit as 'not my problem' and I'd be asking my brother privately if he has any doubts about how 'emotionally healthy' he feels his marriage is and whether or not he's ever contemplated separating.

JustMyView13 · 31/03/2025 16:40

Wow. Unbelievable.
I’d block SIL, and wish DB good luck as I waved him off home.