SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

[FreakingOutRightNow123]

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

Your SIL is absolutely stark, raving, bonkers.

I'm glad you and your parents and brother all seem to have a good relationship because he will need your support when the inevitable acrimonious divorce happens.

Once it's all calmed down I would be having a very strong word with her about her phoning your parents and making them cry. I'm furious on your behalf op.

And if this WERE the case - why would SIL reaction involve her PIL? Why shout at people who went on a meal and paid your husband back for his deposit? In fact - why SHOUT at any others at all? If I were cross with my partner - I wouldn't go out into the street and berate the neighbours. Your rationale is odd.

Sounds like SIL had an awful day and is angry at herself for missing out on her and your DBs original plan, and that's being lashed out in your direction. Much as, dare I say, get Mum got everyone round her to forget her troubles rather than being more humble around what other plans might have been made - bit of a family pattern of behaviour? Whatever u do let her cool down first down say a word and encourage DB to do same (he could ask her ALL about her own experience of mothers day tho, )

All these who are finding reasons and excuses for the SILs behaviour - you are giving excellent reasons for her losing her rag with her DH. But ringing up her parents in law just to have a plot-losing rage at them is beyond the pale. They were nothing whatsoever to do with her dreadful relationship with her mother or her disappointment at missing out on Mothers' Day. i mean, they are utterly tangential to everything, yet she phoned them up to yell at them! Not her DH, not even OP, but the parents whose only crime is to be taken out by their own children.

She also shouted at OP's parents and made them both cry. It will be hard for OP to move past that behaviour from her SIL. It doesn't sound as though the relationship is repairable.

Just sounds like the day with her mother and the kids was hard work and not as relaxing as her usual Mothers day. Whereas you selfish, child-free lot, had a lovely afternoon with lovely company lol.

If her mum has the same temperament as her, she was probably just fed up and a bit jealous.

Just be thankful you won't have to see her for a while and you had a nice day with your parents and brother. Don't let it ruin your relationship with her.

I’m sorry, but your SiL sounds somewhat unhinged. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure her ridiculous and unnecessary outburst. As you say, you’ll be concerned about what things might be like for your DB behind closed doors. Has she displayed this kind of behaviour before?

I can only suggest that you and your parents continue to be a support to your DB whenever he needs it and try to keep as much distance as possible from your SiL until she has the good grace to apologise to you all for her aggressively rude and unprovoked behaviour.

Yes, perhaps the meal with her own mother wasn’t wonderful and she might be feeling jealous that you all had a lovely time but that in no way excuses her unreasonable behaviour. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

It’s called rejection sensitive dysphoria. (RSD)
Sometimes it’s delayed. It’s complicated and goes hand in hand with an emotionally manipulative upbringing. (And sometimes undiagnosed ADHD)

her mum had a bad holiday so to make herself feel better she deliberately disrupted things for daughters Mother’s Day. Ensured her daughter and husband were apart. (She was apart from the boyfriend who she split up with in holiday). It was a temporarily dopamine hit where the mother felt better and powerful for a short time.

your SIL acquiesced because she has grown up with her mothers emotional manipulation. Perhaps she actually wanted the restaurant but didn’t want to make her mum angry.

your SIL then had a crap Mother’s Day as her mother is emotional manipulative.

your SIL was taught how to react by her own mother from a very young age. She has trauma bonds from growing up with an emotionally manipulative mother. The only way she knows how to act is the example her mother has given her all her life.

your SIL went nuts at all of you guys as she needed a temporary dopamine hit to make herself feel powerful. She has RSD because she feels rejected from the lovely meal you had (despite the fact she herself decided not to go).

she has no idea how to regulate her emotions so she relies on other people to do it for her. She needed to shout at you all in order to do so.

get your brothers kids out of this awful circle of repeated behaviour before they grow up like their mum.

its very sad for everyone.

“She gave up her own MD treat in order to support her mother at short notice and accepted it would be postponed. She didn’t have a good time and may not have really wanted to go but felt obliged to.
To rub it in, she finds out that her husband then goes and has a happy family time out enjoying what had been originally planned for her. I think she feels robbed, hurt, jealous and envious and as though how she might feel doesn’t matter to any of you, just like it doesn’t matter to her own mother.”

This is absolutely what I think has happened and how dare her husband have a better time than her and to add insult to injury it was paid for for him. You are all selfish for making the most of the situation and not thinking about how she was going to be having a shit day with I think op mentioned a difficult and possibly controlling mother. You already have a nice happy family and your mother had her day with her son now she’s had 2.

What kind of woman demands her children leave their partners at home to spend Mother’s Day with her at short notice, especially a man leaving his wife on Mother’s Day, at least SILs brother or his wife didn’t give into her.

If the SIL had come home and burst into tears because she had the shitty of the two days I’d feel sorry for her. But her behaviour is completely out of order and no excuse for it.

it seems you all had the audacity to go for a meal together without her. Not one of you thought of her and her predicament.
I think it’s that simple.
DB is hers now, not yours and certainly not your DP’s either. She owns him, not you. If he couldn’t go out for a meal with her on HER Mother’s Day, he should have sat moping for her at home, waiting for her return, waiting to please her and soothe her ego.
But you coerced him OP, and were cheeky enough to take her place at the table in the restaurant which she also regards as hers. And your parents are in on your secret plan to deliberately upset her and try to come between them. DB is in deep trouble because he enabled you and your parents to coerce him. He didn’t spot that you are all out to upset her with your disgusting selfish behaviour.

You can’t argue with crazy as they say. Never has it been a more appropriate comment.

Keep an eye on your DB. He’s going to need a bit of loving support if SIL carries on with this type of behaviour.

A £200 deposit? That was then taken off the bill??

Your SIL is bonkers.

I've read your posts through several times now, OP, and I'm still absolutely at a loss to understand what your SiL's problem is.

Is she given to this sort of unhinged overreaction?

The only thing pops into my mind is that she doesn't know that you've paid back for the deposit. Still, she's being a cow

I think SIL has ruined the relationship herself. She phoned OP's parents and made them cry. Twice. OP, as a former accountant, has been doing her self-employed SIL's end of financial year accounts for free and even after that, she attacked OP and told her that she was disgusting. Apparently, OP paying for her parents and her DB and refunding the £200 deposit to her brother makes her even more disgusting, according to her SIL.

Why on earth would OP want a relationship with her SIL after all that?

I commented early on thread they SIL was batsihit

Having seen your updates I agree with posters that she is jealous as it wasn't all about her and having danced to her Mums demands she had a shit day

However crap her day there is no excuse in the universe for calling up her PIL and then her own SIL to yell at them berate them and be downright rude - the fact that she made 2 adults cry - it's beyond comprehension - if she calls you again I would record it .

Out of interest did she call up her own DB and berate him for not cancelling his plans and going to his demanding Mothers for a get together ?

Your poor parents , poor you and poor DB - it's a lot to forgive and move on from

Wow she made your parents cry, this would do it for me. She sounds awful and I hope your brother has pulled her up on this!

You saved them losing the £200 deposit. She owes you.

You did nothing wrong. And she is quite clearly a controlling bitch. This is perhaps a window into what your brother deals with regularly. He might not even realise he is constantly placating her.

Like someone else said, she's furious that she missed out on controlling who went, where, and what was said.

It sounds like she is deflecting her anger/frustration at her inability to deal with her Mother, onto you and your family. Her Mother came home early from her holiday, which makes me think she would have been away for Mother's day if not for the falling out with her partner.
SIL was expecting a nice easygoing day just with her family, but due to her inability to say no to her Mother she ended up with a day that wasn't what she had hoped for. None of which is your/your parents/your brother's fault.

To show preference only work if someone is bothered. If not, you just a very lonely weirdo.

basically she is fuming that you and dh are good team enough and your parents happy to oblige?

she wanted to steer some heavy trickery and she has nothing to show.

I can't imagine a scenario where my DB wouldn't be invited by SILs parents. My SIL would be glad he'd spent it me and our parents though.

what have I just read!!! And the updates!!! Clearly she is unhinged and if she hasn’t phoned and apologised to any of you by the end of play tomorrow I would take the hull by its horns and email a short, polite and factual email stating that whatever triggered her, her behaviour was wildly unacceptable on Sunday not least for upsetting your parents. Having given it careful thought you are handing back her accounts and not going to do further work on them because you will not be tolerated spoken to by a client so you absolutely won’t tolerate it from a family member who you are doing a favour for.

before you send the email talk to your brother so he is aware and that you want to keep your relationship with him intact but any relationship with his wife his now irreparable unless she sincerely apologies to you all. Even if she does, don’t do her books.

Can't believe DB not splitting the bill - or at least not contributing the deposit, given taht they're joint parents and your original plan had been to cook - I hope you had enough notice to not have purchased the food to cook.

just read all the updates. SIL is batshit.