SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

[FreakingOutRightNow123]

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

AND lose £200! Outrageous and unbelievably selfish.

so she would rather her dh lose 200 pound because she had a crap day

she sounds nuts you poor db

Hopefully she will apologise to everyone.

id let her stew.

The only unreasonable person was SIL, not only for being so vile to you all but for agreeing to exclude your DB in the first place. Good for your SIL brother for not changing his plans last minute.

I am not sure who the 1% is who thinks you are unreasonable, can only be your SIL!

Wow this has blown me away @FreakingOutRightNow123 not the meal price as I live in London too, or that you paid - that is totally reasonable.

The repetitive calls from your SIL reminds me of someone I knew with anger issues and an alcohol problem who just couldn't leave things alone.
It's their constant need to offload and the complete lack of self awareness.

Is it a jealousy thing? She felt like she had to see her mum given her early arrival and had been looking forward to a meal out. Seriously though, I can't imagine my mum EVER asking us all to drop our mother's day plans because she arrived home early last minute. My mum would be mortified even reading this post.
Even if it is jealousy about having a meal out, she made her decision and can't be annoyed with you guys for going, it's utterly ridiculous.

Maybe there is just no rational explanation, as she is not rational herself.

Like everyone else has said, I would block her calls/ignore her for now but keep in communication with your brother who I imagine is feeling quite anxious/perplexed and no doubt not wanting this to harm his relationship with you or his parents.

Answering or replying to texts just fuels whatever fire she is constantly stoking for her cauldron.

LittleBearPad ·

Hopefully she will apologise to everyone.

People like that don't apologise, they stewing their own piss and get increasingly radgie, blaming anyone but themselves.

She sounds deranged. And if her mothers relationships are the blueprint for her relationships, I feel very sorry for your brother and their kids.

She's behaving like a brat. Was she expecting your brother to sit twiddling his thumbs and lose £200?

She sounds off her trolley!!

@FreakingOutRightNow123 "I don’t think it’s clicked for SIL about her accounts, she was so angry that I don’t think she was thinking rationally or about the bigger picture." Oh OP, I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she realises what she's done. How much do you think it will cost her to replace your free accountancy services? (Notwithstanding the problem she's going to have trying to find an alternative at such short notice - that'll teach her! 😂 )
I hope your parents and DB are OK - I'm sure you'll all be supporting each other going forward anyway. 🤗

SIL or not, if anyone dared treated my parents like that I would deck them.

Your SIL needs taking down a peg or two before she screams at the wrong person, and tbf I hope she does.

It's already been mentioned a few times OP, but is it possible that your SIL is a secret drinker?

I ask because my own SIL has been an alcoholic for decades, and we only found out a couple of years ago. Her husband never mentioned it to my DH (his brother), and their kids never once mentioned it to my kids, despite all being really close.

But there were signs. Occasional irrational angry outbursts/ rants. Some crazy driving (I know). Always carries a bottle of "water" and chews gum - not unusual but she's otherwise well put together and the chewing gum had me puzzled, didn't fit her image. She held down a responsible job for years too.

Since we found out there have been a few comments from her adult DC to the effect of how you never know what's going on in other people's families, and how they can't bear to spend time with her now, as she made their young lives hell. We honestly envied their lovely house and great laid-back rural lifestyle.

I hope it's not the case although the alternative is that she's controlling, or has mental health issues, and none of those options is pleasant for your poor DB. Support him, I think men often find it difficult to admit that they're in an abusive relationship when the abuser is their wife.

I would go completely NC with her from now on. I understand this might make things difficult for your DB, especially as it sounds like his marriage is a volatile and abusive one. Nasty characters like this deserve nothing less than being permanently ignored.

There would be no coming back from this for me - and even if an apology is forthcoming, I would not have anything to do with her again, let alone be her unpaid accountant!

She has managed to turn a lovely day into a distressing nightmare for you, your parents and your DB. She is an absolute c* and nothing she had to say would make me see her in any other way going forward.

I really hope you and your parents take a huge step back.

I would never forgive her upsetting your parents like that.

Keep your brother close.
Block her number.
Her accounts are nothing further to do with you.
Do not finish them.
Hand them back.

This reads like one of those crazy threads you see on Reddit. Not saying it’s not real, but the bizarre behaviour of some people never ceases to amaze me.

OP, of course YANBU. Your SIL is crazy and possibly needs in patient care. Your DB seems to be in an abusive relationship and needs your support.

Roughly how old are the children and the SIL? If the children are young I could imagine she’s having a major over reaction from lack of sleep or pnd or similar. OR - depending on SIL age - she is reacting badly due to a hormonal imbalance.
If neither of those apply and what you say about the MIL having an unhealthy relationship with your SIL does, then I suspect that negative relationship has come home to roost and she needs some heavy duty counselling… I think you’re right to be concerned for your DB.

And then she would be able to scream at him for losing £200, probably demanding £200 to spend on herself to balance the family books.
Sincerely hope that the DB has a substantial running away fund, as per MN, for when he gets rid of her.

That behaviour in unhinged, your poor mum what a horrible end to a nice Mother’s Day meal out with you and your DB. I’d be worried about your DB’s children as well as him, living with someone who can lose it like that for no apparent reason must be hard to live with.

OK, I've just about got my head around it now and am coming down on the 'displaced anger' side - SIL had a bad time with her DM most likely rabbitting on and on about how her own son couldn't come and support her during her hellish time of need (although son's decision to stay away doesn't sound as though he thought she even NEEDED his support, but anyway he was with his own family and therefore his mother's desire to 'summon her children' was late and a bit daft). So SIL has had an earful from her mother and is offloading.

BUT, surely then the person she offloads at is her DH? OPs, DB? Why on earth start ringing round the family - that, for me, is where it enters 'deranged' territory. I can almost understand her launching in to her DH when he got in because she's had a miserable time and he's been out having a much nicer time, but to ring her in laws? And blame THEM? That is where I think she needs help (or cutting off from the entire side of the family).

Well it was mother's day. A day to treat and appreciate mother. How dare your brother think he could go out have a good time without her. He should have been cleaning the house and making a welcome back party for when she returned.
Maybe that it. Whatever the reason, I would be avoiding her forever. She is deranged.

If your SIL was able to contain her feelings and not take them out on your family, then I could feel sorry for her. I am trying to put myself in her shoes.
She gave up her own MD treat in order to support her mother at short notice and accepted it would be postponed. She didn’t have a good time and may not have really wanted to go but felt obliged to.
To rub it in, she finds out that her husband then goes and has a happy family time out enjoying what had been originally planned for her. I think she feels robbed, hurt, jealous and envious and as though how she might feel doesn’t matter to any of you, just like it doesn’t matter to her own mother. She is obviously completely in the wrong to have acted on those feelings in the way that she has. YANBU. It is outrageous but also counterproductive to her own wellbeing and relationships.

She seems to think that her DH should have understood how she would feel about it. If he had chatted this idea through in advance all this unpleasantness and upset could have been avoided. I wonder why he didn’t do that if he knows her well? I think tbh I would also probably have asked about whether my DSIL was okay with it if my brother had put the same idea to me.

I'd tell her to fucking spin on it.

I'd be very concerned at MIL's behaviour tbh!!! Flitting home early 'cos of an argument (?), and then demanding (and getting) all her children and grandchildren to rally 'round her at such short notice??? Whilst totally ignoring children's partners? That seems some kind of entitlement to me! Is that where your SIL gets it from?

So sister in law went to her mothers, with her children as her DH ( the Op's brother), wasn't invited.....regardless of the fact they already had plans that your brother had arranged for his wife for them and their children, she was happy to drop him for her mum.

You were supposed to be treating mum and dad to lunch at yours.

Your brother ( who is now on his own for the day) suggested that mum and dad, and you sis, go to the meal instead as he will loose £200 otherwise.

You all agree, go, and then sister in law absolutely kicks up a stink because she didn't go.

Is that right?

if so SIL is batshit and no one else has done anything wrong.

Yep. If she's not talking to anyone, should make for a peaceful future. Result.

I'd take her at her word ! Let her 'not talk to anyone again' !!