SIL furious about Mother’s Day, were we wrong?

[FreakingOutRightNow123]

Background:

I have no children so always see my parent’s on the actual Mother’s Day / Father’s Day to celebrate.

I have several siblings who are parents themselves however and quite rightly the actual day is about celebrating them / their partners so they organise something with my parents for another day.

This has been our usual routine for years.

The situation:

My siblings took my parents out for lunch to celebrate Mother’s Day last Saturday; this included my DB. I didn’t attend as I already had plans with my parents for yesterday.

DB was supposed to be taking SIL and their 2 children out to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday however late Saturday afternoon, SIL’s mother called to say she was back early from holiday (after having an argument with her partner) so was available to celebrate Mother’s Day after all and invited all her children and grandchildren to her house but NOT their partners as she wanted to just spend time with her children and grandchildren only. SIL decided to take her mum up on her offer and cancelled with DB saying her mum was probably upset about the falling out with her partner, they could celebrate another time etc. Considering it was Mother’s Day, DB accepted it with good grace as at the end of that day it was SIL’s day so he wanted her to do what she wanted.

My plan was to cook for my parents at home however DB called to explain the situation and asked if we wanted to go out to eat as he had a reservation for 4 people going begging (it was too late to cancel and he would have lost his £200 deposit) so my parents and I agreed and went to the restaurant he originally planned to take SIL and the kids too. Now just to be clear, I paid for everyone in full (gave DB back his deposit) as it was supposed to be my treat anyway.

SIL is now furious with all four of us and our “disgusting behaviour” and after several tongue lashings is not speaking to any of us.

The way I see it, SIL cancelled in favour of her mother and so DB was at a loose end (we didn’t hijack him away from her), he was going to lose £200 for the reservation but now hasn’t (in fact he got a free meal out of it) and SIL is still free to go to the restaurant another time like she suggested herself. It’s also not like DB spent the day doing anything nefarious either, he literally spent Mother’s Day with his mother only because SIL wasn’t available. I honestly don’t see how SIL lost out by us going instead.

So were we wrong?

Oh and just to be clear, there is nothing particularly meaningful or special about the restaurant other than that it does good food; we’ve all been there several times both together and separately. In fact, we’ve been going there as a family long before SIL was even in the picture so the particular restaurant is not the issue.

Your SIL sounds like an arse tbh ! I've had a similarly arsey now ex-SIL so I think I've got a pretty good radar for them.

Firstly, just my opinion, the fact she dropped your DB in favour of her mum at short notice is not cool. I would never do that to my husband and I wouldn't think too highly of it if my now lovely SIL's did that to my DB's either.

I would be absolutely livid that she spoke to my parents in that way, to the degree that I wouldn't be ignoring her, I would be pulling her up on it pretty damn quickly and putting her in her place.

I'd guess this isn't the first time something like this has happened, it's just the first time you've been on the receiving end / aware of it.

I hope you, your DB and your parents are all OK. Shitty situation. But you absolutely are not unreasonable. She sounds like a nightmare !

What a bizarre thread. None of it makes sense. Did she just discover that day that your brother has been having a torrid affair with someone, resulting in the birth of triplets? That’s the only way any of this makes sense 😵‍💫.

Will you ever get to the bottom of it I wonder?

So bizarre! Has she had some sort of breakdown? I hope your brother is ok, and your poor parents. You seem to have thought of everything that it could possibly be (not that any of it would excuse the behaviour) and none of it is relevant. I hope you get some answers if nothing else. But if even your brother doesn’t know it’s just craziness. How do yous get past this? I would be worried for my brother and the kids.

I would also probably have asked about whether my DSIL was okay with it if my brother had put the same idea to me.

Did she ask her husband if he was OK with his plans for his family to have lunch out being destroyed or did she just tell him she was bailing, to 'support' her mother because she had had a tiff with her partner?
It may surprise you but there is a world in which the woman is totally wrong and this is that world.

Oh God me too... really wonder what is going on in her head 🤔

It's impossible to know how serious this situation is based on only a few posts but if you are worried about your DB I would urge you to trust your instincts and support him to seek some help. The Men's Advice Line and ManKind will listen without judgement if it becomes apparent that the situation is abusive.

SIL’s mum thought it was reasonable to demand her adult children spend MD with her, minus their partners, and all her adult children jumped to it? Kind of contextualises why SIL is batshit, doesn’t it.

I mean this is the most compassionate way to look at it and is a possible explanation.

But she's a grown woman who should have better insight into her own feelings and behaviours. To drag the OPs family into it - is unforgivable. The OP has done nothing wrong. And would be well within her right to never speak to her again.

But the reply above is potentially the type of counselling the SIL needs from a good therapist.

She could have been thinking - it was my mothers day. We had mothers day with DH'S family the week before. I've been subjected to the most horrendous time with my own mother. I've not had a mothers day myself and yet my MIL gets two. She had to put herself out but no one else did and the kick in the teeth - her DH has had a lovely time with his 'perfect family' and she's pressed the self-destruct button by exploding at everyone about it. There's possibly been a festering of resentment for years as it's hard to face a daily mirror showing you everything you don't have in a family.

But I say again, she's still a grown woman and whether underneath an extreme temper outburst is a rational explanation - it doesn't excuse it. Nor is it the problem of the OP. The SIL is accountable for herself, her words and actions.

To fix it, she'd really have to turn up cap in hand with a plan to get some external help. You just can't go around treating and speaking to people that way, no matter how much you're hurting underneath.

But it's a kinder more insightful alternative perspective than a simple 'she's batshit/nuts/insane/unhinged'. Which I think was my first reply, haha.

P.s Oncewornballgown - my reply isn't aimed at you, nor challenging you - I'm just thinking out loud because you've presented something to think about :-)

Anyone else keep checking back for some (any) kind of rational explanation for the SiL's behaviour?

Does she think he paid?
Was there some DIY or something that's long overdue that he'd promised to do?
Otherwise I can't see what she could even say she's annoyed about?

Or did she go home to the house a mess and DB saying he was too tired to help with anything after going out, or DB had promised to cook for her then said he didn't want to after the meal? There has to be something related to his behaviour surely that's missing?

No, she knows that OP paid and that OP refunded the £200 deposit to her brother, saving SIL's household £200. SIL actually told OP that the fact that she paid for everyone makes her behaviour even more disgusting!

The only thing he did wrong was to not kick off when she told him the a) she was ditching his plans for their family to have lunch together b) he wasn't invited to dear MIL's 'family' bash.
Note to brother, next year, if there is a next year for them as a family, make no plans whatsoever, then we can laugh at her moans and groans on here.
Was she seriously expecting him to stay home alone and clean the house in her absence? Is his name Cinderfella?

The trigger for the explosion of a bomb and the results of the explosion often bear little relation to any explanation for the trigger being pulled.

It doesn't make it acceptable but trying to draw a rational line between what the SIL said and why she was angry might be fruitless.

It's possible she might not even truly understand herself why she was furious. IME, the angriest and the nastiest people I know have least insight into themselves.

MIL flounces off a holiday presumably leaving partner behind
Demands her children drop their plans and come to her with their kids, but no partners (inc son so his wife doesn't see her own kids on Mother's Day - good on him refusing)
Then ruins everyone's day by complaining that son wouldn't bow to her demands and presumably complaining about her partner.

SIL has a hideous day, misses her own treat and is so enmeshed with her own demanding mother she lashes out.

She is TOTALLY in the wrong to take this out on anyone (other than her own mother), but I could possibly see how she might be grumpy. HOWEVER, making your parents cry is a boundary someone would only cross once with me .. I might be a dish cloth when it comes to confrontation until it's someone I love. She is a disgrace and I expect she knows it and doesn' t know how to climb down. How would she when she has her own mother as an example?

Comfort your parents, be there for your brother (and his kids) keep away from SIL unless it's to stick her accounts up her arse.

If things have built up then maybe, it's mother's day and the alternative to him doing it would be her having to do it if that's the case.
And why would he kick off about her changing plans to see her mum, again its mother's day, it would be different if it was fathers day.
We had planned a day out for mother's day and I ended up changing plans to take DM out as my sister was ill so cancelled her plans with her. We have 3 DC and DM can't drive anymore so it meant DP didn't come, he went out with a friend instead for a bit but if there were things to be done I can imagine he would've focused on that instead as it's generally about giving mum's a bit of a break from everything they usually do on mother's day.

It doesn’t surprise me at all as I already said that she was in the wrong and behaved outrageously. Perhaps that doesn’t come across in my post. I was just trying to imagine what possible emotions could lead to her outburst. Not justifying her actions at all. Of course, she might be a very unpleasant and controlling woman who likes to rule the roost and have everything her own way. I don’t think the OP said this though other than describing her as sensitive. It would have indeed been considerate for the SIL to have discussed the change of plans with her husband. I quite agree with you as his feelings matter just as much as hers.

She seems unglued

If I was your DB I'd get myself and the kids as far away from her as possible.

I do enjoy the posters on threads like these who will tie themselves in actual knots before they'll say a woman is wrong.

Would you have phoned your DP's friend and made him cry? Why would there have been 'things to be done', when you had scheduled a day out for the whole household anyway?

I'm not seeing what SIL's objection is and if she can't explain it so people can understand her POV, I'd ignore and let your brother handle it; he probably understands her best and it was his decision to recycle the reservation (and I don't blame him - it would have been disappointing to let it go to waste). Just don't engage with her on the issue. You can ask him tactfully if everything's OK, but I wouldn't push him on her bad behaviour if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Surely you don't halt days out to catch up on household chores? We just do it in the evening if it's been a busy week

What was she actually saying when she was ranting at you all OP? How on earth could she justify thinking what she was thinking? Did she have any explanation for it whatsoever?

Well yes, there's always something to do. But you didn't get annoyed with your DP for not getting on with household chores, once the original planned fun thing fell through. Unlike OP's SIL! (If that was what upset her.)

I cannot see what you did wrong. SIL sounds like a toxic nightmare. Your poor DB.

Hopefully it can all blow over and be resolved.