To expect DH to wake up when the kids do?!

[Mumof3Chaos]

Honestly, I am FUMING this morning. Every single day, without fail, the kids wake up at the crack of dawn (thanks to the flipping clock change making it even worse), and every single day DH just magically doesn’t hear them. I swear the man could sleep through a fire alarm.

So there I am, dealing with 3yo screaming because she wanted the blue cup (which is in the dishwasher, obvs), 7yo crying cos he can’t find his school tie, and 10yo shouting down that she’s got no clean PE socks (despite me washing a million pairs last week). Meanwhile, DH is just lying there, breathing deeply, pretending he’s in a coma or something.

I banged around a bit in the kitchen, “accidentally” dropped a spoon, even opened the curtains in the bedroom when I went back up, and NOTHING. He just strolled downstairs at 7:50 looking all bleary-eyed, stretching like he’s had the best sleep of his life, and went “Oh, are they up already?” LIKE NO, I’M JUST RUNNING A NOISE EXPERIMENT.

AIBU to expect him to get up and help instead of playing dead every morning?! Cos I swear if he does it again tomorrow I might just ‘forget’ to make him a cup of tea for the rest of the year.

My husband is the same and I don't know how he is so dead to the world. However don't bang around, make him get up if you want him to help. I went away with for my mams 60th birthday and had to make sure the eldest would get up with the 2&4yr old just so he could wake his dad up to look after them. Seriously the 4yr old wakes and screams for me at the top of her lungs, banging on the connecting wall at 5.30-6am every day when she wakes up and he doesn't move, no hitch in his snoring, nothing. I have to shake him and take the covers away to get him up 😂😂😂. Tell him, noise obviously doesn't work and certainly doesn't with mine. If he promises me a very rare lay in then I get one, but I have to wake him up when they wake up to get it otherwise it would be midday on a weekend lol.

It’s amazing what you can sleep through when you don’t view it as your problem to deal with.

Give him and the older kids the responsibility of the evening prep and when, in the morning, something isn’t where it should be, send the child in the bedroom to ask him where it is.

Well how does he get himself up for work if “noise doesn’t work”?

I’m sure every woman here is wildly grateful for this man’s groundbreaking advice.

This is insane. Why all of the passive aggressive nonsense and huffing and puffing without any real communication?

Once you have a child you need a plan to ensure both parents get adequate sleep, lie ins, and free time. It's not use just playing it by ear and hoping it pans out because everyone has different strengths and inevitably one person will end up doing too much then resenting the other, while the other slacks off knowing their coparent will manage it.

Tonight when the kids are in bed, sit down together and come up with a plan for each day of the week. Who gets up with the kids. Who can sleep in a bit. On days when you're all off, the person who gets up so the other person can have a lie in gets an equal amount of chill time to themselves later in the day.

I'm an early riser, and DH is a late to bed late to wake kinda person. So on a weekend I get up at 7 with our child, while he sleeps until 9. Then they go off to an activity while I can get ready at a leisurely pace, and I get a couple hours to myself to do what I want (go for coffee with a friend, mooch around the shops, play guitar, watch TV, nice long bath, whatever I want). Works for us. He uses his 'free time' to sleep in. I use mine to do fun stuff.

Every weekday we know exactly whose responsibility it is to wake up with our kid. There is no resentment and passive aggression.

You need to sort this out ASAP together or the resentment will eat away at your marriage.

Why wouldn't you just wake him up? I would wake him or send one of the kids to wake him when they wake you all wake.

Ask your "D"H tonight what time he thinks is acceptable for you to wake him tomorrow, and what methods he recommends. If he doesn't want to sound like a twat he'll say, "When the kids wake up, any method you like." When they wake up, get out of bed taking the duvet with you. Send every child to him with every single request for tie/socks/cup.

Honestly this!! every bloody time people on here don't have a clue what a sahp actually does. So he can have 3 kids but do zero parenting before he starts his important job but her job begins the moment she wakes up??? yeah that seems totally fair 🙄🙄

XH used to do this. Two DC both with ASD, I'd be up for the day at 5am six days a week, with a theoretical lie in on Sundays. Lie in always got abruptly ended at around 7am. Then he'd take the piss out of me for going to bed at 9.30pm. One of the reasons he's now an XH.

because they're a family and that's what families often do.

What happens in your house? Does everybody get their own meals, does their own wash , just clears their own stuff up etc? Sort of separate individuals living in communal accomodation?

So you don't stay in bed til 8 every day then?

Errr...lot's of women before my post saying the exact same thing. That being underprepared is the primay cause of the bulk of OP's stress in this scenario.

The only thing my experience added was that the man (or working parent) can be at fault for being ignorant of the work involved to get DC prepped in the morning. And lending a hand will make life easier for everyone.

But that chip on your shoulder isn't going to carry itself now is it?😂😂

Did you read his post?

He said his wife told him it was too much and so he got the family more organised. He said the he does prep on an evening and in the morning.

I meant I dislike mansplaining as much as the next woman but he said that when he was told his wife was struggling he started doing things to make it easier.

Which is what all the women have said. Tell him and he'll have to do something.

Hahaha like fuck that would be happening in my house, you need to put your foot down ffs.

Bowl of cold water over his head?

Work out the financial implications of her husband having to actually pay people to do the job his wife is doing raising his kids.

He may bring in cash but she works too in the home and her work is every bit as valuable.

Then when you've worked out just how much his wife saves this man in financial outlay, have a word with yourself about devaluing womens labour.

I am the only breadwinner in the family, my dh is a sahd. I am not devaluing women's labour - I am saying that the breadwinner calls the shot, that is all I am saying. If this wife is not happy to do her part of the 'job' - looking after dc, then she should go out and earn, no problem and her dh should look after the kids.

what is he doing with the kids on his own?

I agree with this. When we had our newborns I woke up to the slightest pre-cry movement. When I knew dh was watching them, I didnt. It was like knowing someone else had them switched my baby noise alert off.

Why does the breadwinner call the shots?

Why does being the breadwinner mean you get to lie in and nor participate with rearing the children you helped create?

I don’t think there’s any point passive aggressively banging around- I’m a heavy sleeper, and if I’m asleep, my husband seething isn’t going to make me any more awake. To be fair, I have a health condition that causes fatigue so I do have somewhat of an excuse for being very difficult to wake in the morning.

On the other hand, your DH doesn’t get to opt out of morning parenting, and I completely understand why you’re fuming. I think you have two options- you either sit him down (not when you’re fuming and trying to get the kids ready) and lay out just how frustrating this is for you and that you expect him to come up with a solution to ensure that he is up and ready to go at the required time. Alternatively, you accept that he is useless in the morning but require some sort of ‘balancing’ on his part. For example, you do the morning, he handles bedtime or whatever works for you.

Either way, he needs to come up with a way to resolve this that is acceptable to you. In my case, I have to set multiple alarms every 5 minutes starting from at least half an hour before I need to be up. Getting up is genuinely hard for me, but I don’t see why my DH should suffer for it. I also do less of the getting kids ready in the morning (because I’m fatigued and my joints hurt, although I’ll always be up and ready to help out if needed) and DH does the morning school run, but I do pickup, after school care and reading and bedtime when I’m on much better form. This works for us, but you really need to discuss it, and your DH has to bring solutions to the table.

Obviously his behaviour is completely unreasonable and unacceptable, but I can't understand why you didn't sort this out 10 years ago ???

I wouldn't stay with a man who thought he could just opt out of parenting.

That does make me feel really sad though. Why are most mums just great at their job of parenting and lots of men are frankly just shit? I'm 50 this year and I still wake up at the drop of a hat even though my kids are 21 & 17. My DH can sleep through anything. It doesn't seem fair really.

So you only value people if they actually earn money? So your DH does UNPAID labour - ie looks after your joint children - but you get to call the shots because you work outside the home and earn money? OK then. And you'd be happy to show your DH this post would you and let him know what you really think about his difficult and exhausting job? I'm a SAHP too but I do tons of volunteering and charity work now my kids are older but guess what? - I don't get paid for any of it - so my DH calls the shots in my house too does he? If I wasn't here my entire family and home would collapse as I basically organise most things from the moment I wake up. But it's unpaid labour so you, (& a huge chunk of society including many women), don't value it at all.