To expect DH to wake up when the kids do?!

[Mumof3Chaos]

Honestly, I am FUMING this morning. Every single day, without fail, the kids wake up at the crack of dawn (thanks to the flipping clock change making it even worse), and every single day DH just magically doesn’t hear them. I swear the man could sleep through a fire alarm.

So there I am, dealing with 3yo screaming because she wanted the blue cup (which is in the dishwasher, obvs), 7yo crying cos he can’t find his school tie, and 10yo shouting down that she’s got no clean PE socks (despite me washing a million pairs last week). Meanwhile, DH is just lying there, breathing deeply, pretending he’s in a coma or something.

I banged around a bit in the kitchen, “accidentally” dropped a spoon, even opened the curtains in the bedroom when I went back up, and NOTHING. He just strolled downstairs at 7:50 looking all bleary-eyed, stretching like he’s had the best sleep of his life, and went “Oh, are they up already?” LIKE NO, I’M JUST RUNNING A NOISE EXPERIMENT.

AIBU to expect him to get up and help instead of playing dead every morning?! Cos I swear if he does it again tomorrow I might just ‘forget’ to make him a cup of tea for the rest of the year.

Does it take two people to get them ready? Why wouldn’t you be organised the night before?

Was he this shit when your first was born?

Strip the cover off him in bed, spray him with water, get the kids to jump on him.

And/or - tell him that school prep the night before is on him - he needs to sort out uniforms, lunches, and know when PE kit etc. is required. If you're doing the mornings, he can do the evenings.

Why couldn’t he be more organised the night before?

I agree. The “you” was a general you towards both of them.

If for some reason he can’t get up in the morning to parent then he can do the sorting of bags etc in the evening (especially as he WFH). Set up a rota/list so everyone (including older DC) have responsibilities

Could you imagine if a man did this to a woman…?

Baffling isn’t it? I have a friend who’s just had her fourth with a man like this. And never stops going on about how little he does re house and kids. Admittedly it can be hard to tell how a man will step up until a baby actually arrives but I’d have thought by the time you’ve had the first you wouldn’t keep going in the hope that things will change?

Why is no one calling out the posters who are advising assault on the DH? Disgraceful

“I "accidentally” dropped a spoon"

ooohh you are really teaching him a lesson there 😂

Raise it to a saucepan next to his head and you might actually get somewhere

Surely the older kids can handle themselves or need to learn, you don’t need to do it. The 3 yr old can wait. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself and passing it to DH. The kids need to step up. Eg 10yr old can help 3 yr old.

whether DH gets up or not… it depends what he’s responsible for at other times. Does he do bath time or bed time? If you go to bed earlier? Eg I have the morning shift, DH has the evening shift.

I find that having 2 adults is WORSE than 1 adult in charge.

I recall once in a queue at the canteen at work. Two men talking behind me and one joking that their kid had been crying at night so he pretended to sleep so his wife could deal with it.

They were laughing heartily at it.

Your husband is pretending to sleep so you deal with it. You need to speak to him and tell him to pull his weight as currently he is treating you with contempt.

If he's at home in the morning, I'd take myself off to the gym/pool a couple of times a week and let him deal with the whole getting ready thing. You're awake anyway, take him a cuppa to wake him up as you leave the house, and come back in time for the actual school run ( assuming it's you who has to do that).
My DH used to work shifts, but if he was home in the mornings, I'd feed the baby and be out the door at 7 and back for 8:15.

@Mumof3Chaos YANBU he should split this task with you coz he isn’t actually working at that time.

however I personally think YABU to expect your children to be organised and self sufficient when one of their parents can’t even model that behaviour. Personally I’d send the children in to get him up every morning and I’d have a discussion to split tasks.

failing that I’d stay in bed with all the children and act surprised when he asks about breakfast and getting ready. ‘Oh did you ask me to do that? I thought you were doing it’ then ask him to explain why he assumed it’s your job without ever asking or you agreeing. It’s a real insight to double standards.

Things are not going to change then with this attitude are they then ? You have a choice keep going way you are going and ranting away etc with every morning in chaos, or you can stop and do something about it, people have given you advice here from being more organised at night to to even leaving your husband, you have a choice. No one is going to wave the magic wand for you you have to do it. Have a serious chat with your husband,( and i am not advising striping bed or dropping saucepans here, you are the adults here ) it takes two to make a child it takes two to raise one, divide and conquer. Start making small changes good habits to help life damn easier for you. Its not going to happen overnight but you have to be consistent or else this is what mornings are going to be like for the next years to come. If all else fails then Divorce

the clocks went forwards so they should be getting up later not earlier!

Because it’s fucking lazy to lie around in bed for hours on a weekday when the rest of the family are up and productive.

SAHPs are responsible for childcare while the other parent is at work, but it’s a shared task the rest of the time. For early mornings, you either take it in turns or get up together.

The only way this would be ok would be if he worked a night shift.

If he won't get up in the mornings, why not tell him to do his contribution the night before then? HE can take care of the things that need to be prepped, so when you get up with them in the morning you aren't having to do everything.

If he won't, or if he agrees then doesn't do it then just get him up in the morning, pull the quilt off the bed and take it downstairs with you, selfish twat.

Does he at least get up with them at the weekends?

I think you've shot yourself in the foot by being 'in charge' of the mornings, while your DH works from home and doesn't have to worry. As PP have said, why would he bother getting up if he knows that it will get sorted? Send 3-year-old upstairs to wake him.

I have 3 DC but much younger than yours, so mornings are very intense. We both work full-time. My DH is a night owl and has always struggled with mornings, even pre-DC.

Every weekday morning, I put the baby in his arms to bottle feed at about 6am, while I go downstairs to sort the other two. That does a sufficient job of waking him up and bringing him downstairs into the rabble. A key difference is that DH drops the older two at pre-school/school, while I drop baby at nursery. So, he needs to be up, ready, fed, with two DC wearing packed bags, in uniform. Or else he's late for work.

On the weekends, if he's not up by about 7am and I find myself downstairs with the lot of them, I send my oldest to go and wake him up.

It all depends how bothered you are OP. I can tell you, I'd be bothered enough I'd end my marriage over this. Not necessarily by saying I'm done, but I'd be waking him up and not taking no for an answer. He's a disgrace and setting a shit example to his own kids about family life should look. If he didn't like it enough to pull the plug, so be it.

You need to work out your red line and then deliver on the decision.

I'm a night owl, but funnily enough after having kids I've had to get my shit together.

Good for you Bathroom!

To add - I agree with PP that his sleeping in sets a bad tone for the rest of the house, and for the day ahead. By 6am, both my parents were always up, drinking their coffee, reading the paper, chatting, every single morning when I was growing up.

While I sorted myself and my schoolbag/lunch/PE uniform out, it was always very reassuring to see mum and dad there together, taking their time with the morning, and with no feeling of being rushed. It always set a really good tone for the day. We all left super early (like 7am) so that first hour together was always really nice.

Bollocks to this. Anything outside working hours/shift times/commute is 50/50.

What a ridiculous comment. If she stays at home her working hours are 24/7 apparently and the husband gets to sleep in and only work allocated hours? Does he not have to engage in family life when he gets home either? Give me a break.

And OP, I wouldn’t be banging around. Unless he was ill, I’d wake him up when I was getting up with the children every day. Job done. He’s a CF.

Seriously why can't he sort out their bags/uniform the night before-everything laid out? What does he actually do bar earn money? Has he been this useless since the eldest was born?

Have a day off.