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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:51

femfemlicious · 31/03/2025 10:14

I'm really worried about my daughter. I see her allowing this as well. She is scared of saying no to people because she feels they won't like her if she does💔 I dunno what to do😞

Show quote history

Get her to read the book 'The Body Says No'. It changed my life and now I say no. As Gabor Mate says 'if you have to chose between guilt and resentment, chose guilt as resentment will eat your soul'.

The best thing you can do in life is learn to live with that guilty voice saying you should have done X,Y and Z because someone asked you to.

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

Carriemac · 31/03/2025 16:46

Gloriia · 31/03/2025 11:48

She does sound a pita but as others have said you just need to be more assertiveness and stop letting her rule the roost.

If you'd expected £50 pp for a hamper and flowers for your Aunt you should have said so pre trip. If I'd stayed in a well off aunt's holiday home I'd have thought flowers from all for £40 total would have sufficed.

really? cleaning a holiday home - minimum £100 plus laundry, heat and light when you’re there , plus the loss of rental income if she could have let it out otherwise and you’d contribute £10???

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:26

I would definitely avoid confrontation, but making me out to be an utter melt on the back of 1 x CF encounter is a bit of a stretch. All the stuff re inviting herself, taking biggest room etc were to make the point that she wasn't there under duress, she really wanted to come/ was driving force and didn't get the short straw with rooms etc that might taint her view on appropriate gift.

The coach/lift debacle was the first time it occured to me she had CF potential. Until then, thought she was a bit tight but no other signs of CF. By the time I realised, we were literally on the road! Personality transplant would be an exaggeration but it became very clear on that car journey that CF was the main event!

The 2 non CFers are lovely and I'm not sure what they made of her (I'm doing my bitching here, not to them). They definitely stood up to her too, and one is the utter opposite of a WL, a professional antagoniser who runs towards confrontation at any opportunity. But even she was changing plans to fit with CF, sat in back under a pile of bags, extracting info from receipts to ensure CF didn't pay a penny for anyone else... Whether they had words in private I'm not sure, it's possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:31

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

Based on what? I'm actually almost the opposite - will wait until I know I can definitely do something before saying yes, specifically so I don't then drop out. Just as annoying probably, but drop outs are up there with CFs in my opinion.

OP posts:
CellophaneFlower · 31/03/2025 17:32

The coach/lift debacle was the first time it occured to me she had CF potential.

Really? Despite you saying they badgered you into going there and lied and told the rest of the group they were all invited "as is the way with CFs"?

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 17:51

I enjoy going there, I had reservations about going there with her but when she suggested it when our friend was having a shit time, id warmed to the idea. I can see how my lets look into it could be taken as a yes, and so saying id invited them all wasn't completely made up, was more a manipulation of the truth. And now I see that manipulation is her middle name, rather than a one off because she's so excited to visit that part of the world!

OP posts:
B1anche · 31/03/2025 18:24

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 15:58

I bet you're one of those annoying people who says yes to an activity or meeting up with friends when you don't actually want to then comes up with a crap excuse last minute not to go. Just say you don't want to go!

WTF? Where did this come from?

savethatkitty · 31/03/2025 18:34

I can't believe no-one has called her out. She's behaving this way because she CAN. Pull her up!

HelloVeraPlant · 31/03/2025 18:39

I have a friend like this. She will take all the freebies she can get. And every week she will call me and complain about splashing the cash at whatever Lidl event is on and spending hundreds on deals that she’s walked past.

Years ago I ordered a pizza for my DD. She said she wasn’t hungry. As soon as the pizza came she ate 3/4 of it! I was so mad at her I told her off - and she thinks I don’t like sharing! There is nothing wrong with sharing but she is known in my friendship group for just being cheap - has fallen out with half of us as we can’t take her anywhere. She will buy a starter when everyone is having a full course. She won’t pay for drinks but will get a drink when a round is being offered. She will come to experiences but won’t pay to join in, she’ll stand and chat to us but won’t take part (for example bowling or mini goals). It’s so awkward!!!

We don’t invite her anywhere. Then she complains that she never gets invited!

I think these characters are oblivious to their own behaviour.

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 18:39

B1anche · 31/03/2025 18:24

WTF? Where did this come from?

Show quote history

I meant it can be really annoying when people can’t say no because they let others down. The OP said yes to this holiday then complains her friend asked. Just say no and don’t feel resentment

sofaofchange · 31/03/2025 19:46

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

Hmmmm, not really. You had to sit in a car journey with her luggage on your laps, you haven't called her out for her miserly "thank you" to your aunt and you apparently said nothing to her about grabbing the big bedroom. I'd hardly call that "standing up to her", it sounds like she's used you all as her doormat to walk all over for the entire trip.

Proper "standing up" to her would be you having a civil but very firm chat with her now about all the things you are secretly resentful about instead of telling us. But you arent going to do that, so no, you havent "stood up" to her.

ConnieHeart · 01/04/2025 08:14

HelloVeraPlant · 31/03/2025 18:39

I have a friend like this. She will take all the freebies she can get. And every week she will call me and complain about splashing the cash at whatever Lidl event is on and spending hundreds on deals that she’s walked past.

Years ago I ordered a pizza for my DD. She said she wasn’t hungry. As soon as the pizza came she ate 3/4 of it! I was so mad at her I told her off - and she thinks I don’t like sharing! There is nothing wrong with sharing but she is known in my friendship group for just being cheap - has fallen out with half of us as we can’t take her anywhere. She will buy a starter when everyone is having a full course. She won’t pay for drinks but will get a drink when a round is being offered. She will come to experiences but won’t pay to join in, she’ll stand and chat to us but won’t take part (for example bowling or mini goals). It’s so awkward!!!

We don’t invite her anywhere. Then she complains that she never gets invited!

I think these characters are oblivious to their own behaviour.

Abd what did you say to her about eating your dd's pizza?

Original poster
Willowthewhip · 01/04/2025 08:42

Kindling1970 · 31/03/2025 18:39

I meant it can be really annoying when people can’t say no because they let others down. The OP said yes to this holiday then complains her friend asked. Just say no and don’t feel resentment

Show quote history

I've had reservations about plenty of other things but then they've turned out great. In fairness, I wouldn't have posted on here had she behaved like a normal person. I wouldn't have even posted about the CF alone, the measly thank you gift was the issue.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 01/04/2025 14:20

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

How many bags did she want to bring??

How much stuff did she end up taking? Wasn’t it just a. Weekend? Even a week no one needs multiple bags for clothes and briar accessories unless they’re some kind of vapid influencer!

Who did she want to fetch her coffee? She actually wanted to go to a specific shop for just her bc she couldn’t be arsed?

This is clearly a woman who has rarely heard the word no.

She sounds more and more like Amanda from Motherland! The half term cottage episode springs to mind.

Buffs · 01/04/2025 18:59

I wouldn’t be asking her for more money because I wouldn’t be speaking to her, ever again. You simply don’t need people like this in your life.

SlowestHorse · 01/04/2025 19:00

Presumably your aunt has also had to pay for cleaning, washing bed linen and towels etc - even if she’s doing it herself there’s an opportunity cost of that? I’d expect to cover at least that plus a thank you.

HappyMamma2023 · 01/04/2025 19:05

She is a CF but I also think you've been a pushover OP. We're very lucky that my parents have a holiday home and we've visited many times with different friends FOC. The cleaning is £100 and from the go I say we need to split that plus get a nice bottle of wine as a thank you. We split petrol money. And obvs I baggsy the biggest room!

Doubledenim305 · 01/04/2025 19:07

YABU as you knew what she was like and invited her away.
She was her usual awful self (which u knew in advance) and were weak and caved into her pressure . So not sympathetic on this one. Sorry.

nomas · 01/04/2025 19:11

SlowestHorse · 01/04/2025 19:00

Presumably your aunt has also had to pay for cleaning, washing bed linen and towels etc - even if she’s doing it herself there’s an opportunity cost of that? I’d expect to cover at least that plus a thank you.

Maybe the aunt stays with OP too and is happy not to charge OP.

Speckly · 01/04/2025 19:27

Have you addressed the weekend with her since your return? I think I'd have to let her know how difficult you found it all, how her behaviour was not appropriate and that you were particularly disgusted about her suggesting £5 for a present for your Aunt. Make it clear to her that weekends away will not be happening in future because of this. I just think if nobody ever tells her straight, she'll never understand and I think she needs to see that her behaviour is unacceptable, embarrassing and rude. Good luck with it... let us know how it goes if you do take it further.

croydon15 · 01/04/2025 19:56

So how much did she contribute to the gift, not just £5 surely ?

EquinoxQueen · 01/04/2025 20:32

So she offers £5, surely this is the opportunity to go back and say that’s tight. Using those word in the context of how much that place normally costs to rent. Do it jovially in the group chat with the other two. All her out on it - she clearly has tho k skin so probably wouldn’t notice any sarcasm

InterIgnis · 01/04/2025 20:48

It doesn’t matter how ‘relentless’ cheeky fuckers are (and they’re only relentless if they genuinely believe they can get what they want out of you - and in this case the CF was correct, because she did), you don’t actually have to give in. You aren’t a bystander in your own life, lacking any agency, and she didn’t make you do anything. You chose to, and that’s on you.

Confrontation and directness aren’t terrible things to be feared or avoided at all costs. In fact they can serve you very well, not least because they will deter cheeky fuckers.

TheTavern · 01/04/2025 20:51

Did you and the others discuss the CF at all? just wondering is there a possibility that s/he didn’t realise how mean and selfish they were being.

if they knew what they were doing then I would distance myself from them-I suspect they knew full well what they were doing but you have to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
My suggestion would be don’t let yourself be used like that again.