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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a CF one

189 replies

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 01:02

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

  • refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
  • bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
  • claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
  • not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
  • bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
  • generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · 31/03/2025 08:53

I find wet lettuces just as annoying as CFers and equally culpable

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 31/03/2025 08:54

Just say “No” in future. She is not your friend, she is a manipulator and you just enabled her behaviour.

Hwi · 31/03/2025 09:01

Angelou79 · 31/03/2025 01:37

Most of what you said sounds like the person doesn’t have much cash, however I’d be pushing for at least £20 per person or more to thank the Aunt.

There was a time when I did not have much cash and my friends had loads. I politely declined ALL invitations, pretending I was otherwise engaged (I was not). I never breathed a word to my friends about not having cash, I just lied because I did not want them to think 'oh, we have to pay for her, treat her'. If you don't have much cash, politely decline.

Heronwatcher · 31/03/2025 09:01

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

But you still let her pack so much you all had to sit with her stuff, get the best room, moan about it to your aunt and seemingly pay only £5! I think your definition of standing up is slightly different to most!!

Hwi · 31/03/2025 09:05

I wonder if the Aunt is now posting somewhere something along the lines of 'This is CF territory - I have a relative and I don't mind if she comes once every 15 years and stays for free, but she somehow thinks it is OK to bring her friends too! I have to pop in every now and then to make sure they did not trash the house, and I try to hint that I don't like those troupes coming in by arranging free day trips for them, but to no avail'.

Penguinmouse · 31/03/2025 09:07

The time to raise the issue was when it was happening but I also hate conflict so I can’t pretend I would have been better - the second best time is now. Get money for a better present (£5 is so cheeky) and then let her know that you thought her behaviour was rude and you won’t be going on future trips with her. Tbh, I would not want to be friends with this person full stop.

Thoughtsonstuff · 31/03/2025 09:09

Obvnotthegolden · 31/03/2025 01:52

I don't understand how she claimed the master bedroom. Isn't that obviously either yours or the driver's room?

If you didn't feel able to claim it for yourself you could have said "actually that's driver's seeing as she kindly drove all the way here".

What did the other friends think of her being like this?

I really don't understand how no one stood up to her at any point.

Agreed. It's a lesson in the host always assigning rooms in advance themselves.

IntermittentFarting · 31/03/2025 09:10

they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set

Heres where you lost me, before the big list of extra CFery.
“A date was set”. That implies that it was not you who set it or agreed that it should ever be set in the first place.
And why did you let your friends know that there was even the possibility of a holiday for them in a property owned by your aunt?

DH inherited an apartment in Mallorca in a beautiful place overlooking the sea… no one goes except closest family and two best friends. “No, sorry!” tends to suffice. And we do get asked!

Tagyoureit · 31/03/2025 09:13

This friendship would have been well and truly over for me before this weekend away. Now it would be dead, I certainly wouldn't spend any more time with her at all.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:14

I'm not understanding the bit about the coach... were the rest of you going to drive and she was expected to take the coach? In which case that's a bit odd, or were you all going to take the coach and she insisted that you go by car so she could take all her stuff? Which is where someone just plain refuses and you either all go by coach or nobody goes. Or did she offer to drive?

Because travel is usually where you put your foot down first of all. If someone 'won't' travel the way the rest of you are going then that's on them. They either find their own way or don't go. If the rest of you are driving and expecting her to take the coach alone, then that's a bit mean. If she drove - well, that's her contribution.

But she does sound like one of those 'steamroller' people who just say 'right, I'm doing this' and everyone gazes at everyone else in amazement and says 'right, okay...' It would be doing this person a kindness, to be honest, if people stood up to her more and said 'no,'

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 31/03/2025 09:14

However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

YABU making out this was beyond your control. Use your words and say no.

Lastgig · 31/03/2025 09:15

I have a millionaire friend who avoids any chance of paying for others food. At a friend's birthday meet she offered to split the cost of a £7 bowl of soup as a 'birthday treat'. I'm watching her closely at the moment as she has avoided paying for breakfast on the three occasions. Twice as her card didn't work. It actually makes me laugh as we all know she is going to do it. She's never been poor and she inherited the lot. She did buy me a coffee before Christmas but ordered herself a sandwich.

U53rName · 31/03/2025 09:16

Willowthewhip · 31/03/2025 08:38

There was plenty of standing up to her. She had to leave a couple of bags at home so we'd all fit in car. She wanted to visit a outlet store on way down, we said no. She wanted us to pick her up her specialist coffee, we said you can get it yourself, didn't want to go for pub lunch but we did etc. Especially as weekend progressed and everyone realised how rude she was.

Is everyone else in the group fed up with CF now too?

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 31/03/2025 09:20

"Oh sorry (CF) Aunt's house is always totally booked up."

If she whines, repeat.

It's done now though so do you think the group will remove her or will she just keep on being this revolting CF, emboldened by getting away with so much piss poor behaviour?

FamilyPhoto · 31/03/2025 09:22

You have to be very firm with CF's .
We had a holiday property that we rented out - and I had a sort of friend who was down on her luck.
She asked me straight out if she could go to my HH for free - I spoke to DH and as she had young ish kids who had never been abroad we decided that she could.
She was very happy until I let her know that the aircon took a credit on a card thst she could refil at the shop nearby.
€10 would be more than enough for the 5 days she was planning on staying.

She was deeply upset and started slagging me off to anyone who would listen. We would usually charge €350 for the same Mon- Fri. !

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:27

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:14

I'm not understanding the bit about the coach... were the rest of you going to drive and she was expected to take the coach? In which case that's a bit odd, or were you all going to take the coach and she insisted that you go by car so she could take all her stuff? Which is where someone just plain refuses and you either all go by coach or nobody goes. Or did she offer to drive?

Because travel is usually where you put your foot down first of all. If someone 'won't' travel the way the rest of you are going then that's on them. They either find their own way or don't go. If the rest of you are driving and expecting her to take the coach alone, then that's a bit mean. If she drove - well, that's her contribution.

But she does sound like one of those 'steamroller' people who just say 'right, I'm doing this' and everyone gazes at everyone else in amazement and says 'right, okay...' It would be doing this person a kindness, to be honest, if people stood up to her more and said 'no,'

The CF didn’t want to pay for coach tickets so harangued one of the other women to drive them all in her car, as presumably splitting petrol is cheaper than coach tickets. CF was never expected to take coach on her own.

On the day of the trip, when CF’s bags didn’t fit in the friend’s car, she suggested some of the friends get out and travel by coach so the driving friend could drive CF and her bags to the holiday home.

BlondeMummyto1 · 31/03/2025 09:30

More fool all of you for accepting it. They are allowed to behave that way because you all play along.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:31

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:27

The CF didn’t want to pay for coach tickets so harangued one of the other women to drive them all in her car, as presumably splitting petrol is cheaper than coach tickets. CF was never expected to take coach on her own.

On the day of the trip, when CF’s bags didn’t fit in the friend’s car, she suggested some of the friends get out and travel by coach so the driving friend could drive CF and her bags to the holiday home.

Show quote history

Ah, I see. So the real problem is that everyone else let her talk them into taking the car? I think that's where it all started then, because everyone else should have just said 'well, we're taking the coach, sort yourself out.' Unless they all decided that taking the car and splitting the petrol actually WAS more cost effective...

nomas · 31/03/2025 09:32

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/03/2025 09:31

Ah, I see. So the real problem is that everyone else let her talk them into taking the car? I think that's where it all started then, because everyone else should have just said 'well, we're taking the coach, sort yourself out.' Unless they all decided that taking the car and splitting the petrol actually WAS more cost effective...

Show quote history

Agreed it sounds like everyone should have been firm with her. At least they now all know she is a CF extraordinaire.

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 09:32

Hobnobswantshernameback · 31/03/2025 08:53

I find wet lettuces just as annoying as CFers and equally culpable

Yes, exactly this. WLs need to take some responsibility for enabling the dynamic.

GoneGirl12345 · 31/03/2025 09:34

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/03/2025 01:33

YABU if you didn’t actually open your mouth and say something while all this was happening.

The passivity of some posters is almost worse than the CFery they are willing to tolerate. FFS!

This

CellophaneFlower · 31/03/2025 09:38

I honestly thought it would be hard to get a date we could all do, and then chance of house being available on that date was also low. So it probably wouldn't happen.

I mean obviously nobody mentions that their Aunt has a beautiful holiday home that they're happy to rent out for free to randoms in the first place, but if you've done this, surely at this point you just say it's booked up when dates are mentioned?

I'm struggling to believe this is real, as there were so many ways you could have backtracked here. The master room you'd have just claimed as yours as that's where you've stayed previously, no pulling straws or anything.

If this IS real then I find your behaviour more bizarre than hers.

Chezxx · 31/03/2025 09:42

How disrespectful of you to bring such a clearly awful person to your Aunt's home.
Why would anyone do that.

Self respect prevents decent people from associating with such people, much less then inflicting them on their kind family members.

Take a good look at yourself I would suggest.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 31/03/2025 09:47

OP I have to agree with PPs. Did you really take her on a weekend away knowing she was like this? You agreed to ride there with her stuff on your lap?? You let her have the biggest room? Are you scared of this woman?

LivelyMintViper · 31/03/2025 09:47

Next time say no . And tell her why.