It's a CF one

[Willowthewhip]

Back from a slightly tense weekend away and good to get opinions on my reasonability puls share some CFery!

Group of 4 friends from a sports hobby (long stopped), who meet every month or so for a wine. Friend (the CF) has always come across as a bit tight, eg would never buy someone else a drink but happy to accept offer of one, that kind of thing.

Anyway, my aunt has a holiday house. Ive visited lots with family, it's beautiful and my aunt has always said we can come whenever (assuming no one else is there). Ever since hearing this, CF has banged on about wanting to visit. I was deliberately 'oh maybe' as wasn't sure id enjoy a weekend trip with them. However, as is way with CFs, no hint was got and they persisted, made out to the rest of group that I'd invited them all, and a date was set.

The CFery included:

• refusing to get great value coach and instead pursuing non CF friend to drive us,
• bringing literal car full of clothes/shoes/home comforts (hence refusung coach as wouldn't be able to carry it to station) meaning rest of us had journey with bags (including hers) on our laps (and suggesting we get out and get last minute ££ coach tickets instead))
• claiming the master suite and then moaning next day (to my Aunt who'd popped in briefly to check we were ok!!) about how terrible the bed was, how noisy the ensuite toilet was etc...
• not coming on (free) trips my Aunt had arranged as wanted 'me time'
• bringing sandwiches to lovely pub as didn't want to pay for pub food
• generally just bring PITA - too hot, too cold, hungry, bored etc.

Theres loads of other things but these are just the ones from top of head.

However, reason for this post is I'd asked group if they were ok to contribute to a thank you gift for my aunt. Now, Aunt is wealthy, she absolutely could charge us to stay, but doesnt. Previously we've bought a big bunch of flowers, or houseplant, fruit basket etc - a token of our thanks but still something my Aunt would find a treat.

I'd estimate the cost to rent the house for 2 nights would be £600+

CF said happy to contribute £5.

I honestly thought, you tight cow. Aibu?!

And yes, everyone's financial situation is different but don't invite yourself to someone's house if you're not prepared to contribute properly to the costs when there! Plus regularly away on mini breaks and overseas holidays so not completely skint.

This.

Same!
Show her these threads once she’s old enough to fully understand them. Then she can see some consequences to allowing it.

I've spoken to her over and over and over again but she just can't bring herself to go against what people want. I think it's due to how her father has treated her 😕.

YABU for going along with something you knew you wouldn't enjoy.. the only person that MADE this happen, was you.

stop being so 'non committal' when someone asked you something and just say no.

Perhaps surprised was the wrong word. I suppose it’s more that I think of a perfect reply (polite but firm), unfortunately about 10 minutes later, by which time the CF has got her own way.

"acting like they're so tough" 🤣🤣🤣
I haven't seen anyone suggest they should have taken CF outside and beat her up!

Mockery aside, I think this is actually part of the problem. People (and we as a nation are very bad in particular) who hate confrontation so much that they can't deal with it normally and let things slide, or blow up completely out of proportion (often after letting things slide for weeks/months/years!, or when they're drunk) or bitch about that person behind their back and never do anything about it.

People don't seem to understand that there's a whole scale of confrontation. "standing up" to CF! doesn't have to entail shouting and rudeness and causing a scene, it can be a quiet word, a simple no, making a joke of things, etc.

Apart from anything else OP has since confirmed that they did stand up to CF several times, so it's clearly not unreasonable of so many posters to suggest they should have. The awkward part in "drawing the line" is that different things push different people's boundaries.

For example, as an introvert I would find it reasonable for the friend not to come on all the outings if she needed some time alone, and, while £5 is an absolute joke, have to say I'd also be a bit unhappy at £50 (which another poster suggested as an ok amount) - being sprung on me. That's a third of the cost they'd have paid as private guests - if it had been discussed before staying that they'd contribute a set amount, of course it's a more than reasonable charge and still a bargain, but as it was offered as a free holiday it could have come as a shock. However I would not have been able to stay quiet at being rude to the aunt or the sandwiches thing!

Whereas OP didn't find some of those examples bad enough to raise at the time but did call out other examples of cheeky fuckery.

I also voted YABU, for these reasons.

I don’t get it.

”Sorry, but my aunt only hosts family members,” could have nipped this in the bud.

CF does sound obnoxious.

She does sound a pita but as others have said you just need to be more assertiveness and stop letting her rule the roost.

If you'd expected £50 pp for a hamper and flowers for your Aunt you should have said so pre trip. If I'd stayed in a well off aunt's holiday home I'd have thought flowers from all for £40 total would have sufficed.

CFery can only exist as long as it’s enabled. I’ve voted that you are unreasonable as are friends with a known CF and have allowed this situation to happen. I feel sorry for your aunt being insulted in her own home, frankly.

I like “fuck no!” Short and to the point.

@Willowthewhip does CF have any redeeming qualities? Struggling to see why you bother with her at all 😂

There’s a reason “no is a complete sentence” is a mumsnet catchphrase. Why all the “maybe” and going along with plans they made? Stop letting people walk over you and avoid problems like these.

Don’t invite her again!

This thread is unreal. I can't find sympathy for people who actively let others walk all over them like this.

You need to say something!!

And when she hints or asks about going again, (because she will), you need to tell her that she is not welcome!

I agree with others that the CF was terrible and showed herself up! Regarding the money contribution though.... I can actually imagine myself offering a fiver to something like this if I thought it was just for a bunch of flowers to say thanks (ie £20 between 4 of you would get a nice big bunch)... hope I'm not a CF! But if it was then pointed out to me that the aunt would actually be out of pocket from us staying there, ie for the cleaning bill - rather than it just being her letting us use her holiday home that would've been empty anyway.... then of course yes I would then agree that we all needed to contribute more.
So my point is that you ought to make this clear as the reason why more needs to be contributed!
Good luck... your CF friend sounds very thick skinned!

It's your own fault for giving in. But £5 is a piss take, though no surprise.

Collective YABU for letting this escalate to this point, however uncomfortable confrontation is.

YANBU regarding the amount for the thankyou gift. It does not take a genius to work out that cleaning costs,etc would be footed at your aunt's expense even if the 'stay' was covered - even before considering her kindness in organising trips. But you can't force anything like this so at some point it's just about calling the CF a CF and then just pulling back from this person.
Suggest:
The weekend wasn't offered with any conditions, but given everything she did for us, covering cleaning costs, hosting us for free, and putting in so much effort to arrange activities, I think a fiver feels pretty out of touch. I'll leave it there for everyone to send over what they consider a respectful gesture in the circumstances.

Live and learn... she doesn't get to come on trips anymore.

Get your aunt a hamper.

So I think the general consensus is that no, YANBU to think that the offering of £5 towards a thank you gift is ridiculous and that yes, you should go back and say that given she had a free weekend, £5 won't cut it.

You were totally unreasonable to allow this CF to get away with all that shit. Not the point that you knew the en suite toilet to the master bedroom was noisy or views were better from other rooms, it should never have got to the point where CF decided where she was going to sleep! Glad to hear you did say 'no' to some of her requests but even so, the level of entitlement from this CF needs to be highlighted to her so that there is no repeat performance.

Personally, I'd be giving her a wide berth for a long time!

Is there anything you like about her? If not, why is she your friend?

I think you were being unreasonable to allow your CF friend to stay in your lovely aunt's house and abuse her hospitality.

I thought it was the CF’s bags they had on their laps - even worse! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would not have left your CF friend stay in your aunt's house. You knew she had form before this of being a CF.

I know a lady who lives in a popular city and she has a spare room. She has often let friends and family stay over. One time a relative asked could they stay for 3 nights during the summer and hotel prices were high in the area then.
This person arrived with their partner, cooked all there meals there and stayed in every night. When they left they never gave her anything for their stay.
The next time the same relative rang looking for another stay unfortunately the lady I knew said she was away. The truth was she was going to be there but decided she was not going to be used by the CF again.

I have friends and at times we have all been a bit skint due to various things. Even then we go on cheap days or for cheap meals out. We say to each other can we go away next week or month instead when we have a lot of expenses at time's. We just don't expect our friends to pay for meals out ect.

A CF will always be like this and will never spend money if they can get another mug to pay for thing's. Imagine staying for free in a nice place and then doing all the things she did. Imagine thinking that £5 was enough to pay towards a gift for your aunt who let you, her and a few other friends stay free in her holiday home that probably rents for £200 per night plus.
To be honest I have a few words with cf and tell her that she needs to start paying her way because soon she will have no friends left.