AIBU to start limiting contact with my MIL for my 3 kids?

[clrd]

We have three kids—5, 3, and almost 1. My husband works very long hours and earns well, which allows me to be a SAHM (what I’d always wanted to be). Our setup works well: I handle the kids’ schedules, education, health, as well as family visits because if we only saw family when my husband was available, it would eat into our rare family time and mean the kids saw their grandparents much less. It seems to work well with everything except MIL’s visits.

The problem is, the more kids we have, the more overbearing my MIL becomes. She has an opinion on everything. Every visit, she reminds me she doesn’t like the school our eldest goes to (she knows I was the one who researched and chose it). She constantly brings up how I “didn’t breastfeed for long enough” with my youngest, jokingly guesses if I’m pregnant and regularly jokes that it’s time for me to get pregnant again to “keep up the pattern.” When I brush it off, she’ll shake her head and say things like, “Well, you don’t want to leave an awkward gap, do you?” as if our family planning is somehow her decision. She also completely undermines my parenting whenever she visits. If I say it’s bedtime, she’ll immediately counter with, “Oh, don’t be silly! Granny’s still here, they can stay up late.”

When I was pregnant with my youngest, I had horrible morning sickness. One afternoon, MIL was over while I was struggling to get through the day, barely able to keep food down. As I’d been trying to keep 2 toddlers happy all morning, I thought now that their gran is here maybe I’ll sit and relax for a minute. She looked me up and down and said, “Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you can stay on the sofa all day - the kids will think it’s new baby’s fault their mum doesn’t play with them. Also put some make up on before DH gets home - men love with their eyes” all said in a tone as if she’s doing me a favour sharing her advice based on a lifetime of experience and knowledge. I was exhausted, nauseous, and barely holding it together, and I just burst into tears. Instead of apologizing, she just rolled her eyes and muttered, “Oh, it’s just hormones.”

Another time, she made a comment that actually reduced me to tears in front of my kids. The baby had been fussy all morning, I was dealing with a tantrum from my toddler, and my eldest was whining about something minor. I was completely overwhelmed. MIL just sighed dramatically and said, “Maybe if you gave them more time each individually, they wouldn’t act like this.” I just broke. For context, they have all my time. I rarely go anywhere without them and spend all day every day making sure they’re healthy, happy and being developed. Admittedly it’s mainly with all 3 (or now, 2 of them, as the oldest is at school) rather than 1 on 1. I started crying right there while my kids stared at me, and instead of offering any kindness, she just muttered, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive.”

For context, my husband is from a culture where grandparents are much more involved, often even living with their adult children. That’s not how we’ve structured our family, but it explains why MIL sees herself as having a bigger role than I think is appropriate.

My husband is an amazing dad, incredibly supportive, and earns more than enough to provide us with a very comfortable life. We even have a housekeeper, so it’s not like I’m drowning in housework, it’s just that every time MIL is here, I feel constantly judged, criticised, and completely dismissed.

Would I be unreasonable to start limiting contact, even if that means the kids see her less?

well an idea which might also work is to use your DH's words. When your Mil criticises, smile indulgently and say "oh its ok Mil DH says its just how you are" If she is rude, laugh and say "Oh Mil you are so funny, good job I know its just how you are" When she tries to override you to the children "Granny doesn't mean that, its just how she is"....and mega points if you can do it where her daughters hear you....who knows they might take it up?

Equally brilliant , will try this

@clrd I wouldnt bother pussy footing around her!! I would just tell her to leave my house for being rude and say she wont be back in until she learns that she does not get to control our family and how we life our life!! some people absolutely need to be told off!

Your mil is asian? Sounds like my one.

Turkish mil? Jewish mil? My Italian or Greek guess didn't work if they don't celebrate Xmas. Dying to know which matriarchical culture this is 😂

Meet her outside the house. Whenever she suggests say “oh great, we’ll be at the zoo/park/library/soft play then, meet you at the gates at 10?” Then be super enthusiastic about it while you’re out “oh the kids LOVE special grandma trip time - they’ve loved seeing you! Nap time now though, bye!”

See if you can think of ways of agreeing with her but then undermining it. This doesn’t work if she does it in front of your kids though. e.g. what happens if she starts up about schools and you say “yeah it’s probably going to scar her for life - are you saving for her therapy?” or “yeah I regret it now but DH says we shouldn’t move her when she’s happy there. We’ll definitely get you out scouting for the perfect secondary though!”

Or if in front of the kids, slightly overplay your hurt and say “oh that was unkind. Did you come here to see your grandkids or make their Mummy cry? Nasty old granny making mummy cry… let’s go upstairs and play while granny has a nice cup of tea - we don’t have to play with people who are unkind to us.” She’ll write you off as over sensitive but she might realise she’s not getting the reaction she wants.

Alternatively, look her straight in the eye and say “you know, Doris, I’ve been thinking - if I left your son I wouldn’t ever have to listen to your advice again and you’d never see the kids…” But if your husband won’t back you up with her you might have to follow through and actually leave.

Basically, she wishes you were different. Call her out on this every time. “you’re right, MIL, I guess DH should have picked someone more like DIL/family friend from his culture to be your DIL. Unfortunately you’ll have to take that up with him.” Big defiant smile. Rinse and repeat.

I would be worried about the long term dynamic, as you say DH is the only son - one day, when she is old and frail, she will move in with you guys... and you will have to take care of her.

My husband said this will not happen, and one of the SILs expects MIL to move in with her… so hopefully that’s what’ll happen (all my fingers and toes crossed it does!!!)

@SerriadhIt’s a great idea in theory, but MIL would absolutely see through it. If I tried the whole “let’s meet outside” thing, she’d either decline outright or agree but then push to come back to ours after. And if I kept shutting that down, she’d act like I was being rude and unreasonable.

I actually did try the “meet outside” tactic. I arranged for us to meet at a café near the park, thinking it would keep things light and focused on the kids. Within five minutes of sitting down, she glanced at my toddler’s snack and went, “You give them packet snacks??! You know, when DH was little, I made everything from scratch. You should just tell me you’re not coping and I’ll bring over real food for my grandkids, I love them and can’t bear to watch them eat junk. Oh dear! My babies! … etc”

And of course, when it was time to leave, she sighed dramatically and said, “Well, next time, we’ll just do yours—it’s so much cosier, and the kids love it.” Like it was completely up to her. Other times when we meet out she says she’ll just pop into ours to drop something off (personally, I can’t hand deliver to my own house), just for a quick wee (a zoo toilet won’t do as public toilets aren’t as comfortable as home ones), because she needs to kill time in the area before her next activity and surely we won’t just leave her on the street (or you know… a coffee shop?)

As for undermining her with sarcasm, DH would probably find it disrespectful, even if it’s completely deserved. He’d just see it as me being combative rather than standing up for myself.

I might actually try the “nasty old granny making mummy cry” line, but only in front of the kids—just to highlight how unkind she’s being. But knowing her, she’d turn it right back on me, sighing and saying, “Oh, mummy is just being unreasonable and sensitive again,” and suddenly I’m the one making a scene while she plays the victim.

The last suggestion, though… very tempting. Sadly she’d love it if we did split up.

So your DH will call you combative for responding to her but not his DM combative for saying it in the first place? Have you pointed this clear discrepancy to him before?

It’s not your MIL you need to stand up to. You don’t want to hear it, but it’s him. You shouldn’t have to entertain your MIL any time she snaps fingers. Tell her “not this week, we can meet next.” And you don’t even have to give her reasons. You’re a whole ass grown up all on your own. Set the example to your children you want them to have. If someone knowingly makes you feel bad and won’t even apologise, you don’t have to host them again a few days later and run after them. You can just say no.

If your DH doesn’t like you having these basic boundaries I am sure he can make extra time to host his own DM and entertain her, respond to her comments, while you take much deserved you time and visit a coffee shop with a friend. Someone, anyone, who will build you up rather than tear you down.

I would go with the approach where you're not sarcastic but just act completely unbothered. So to the snacks I'd reply
"No thanks I'm not struggling, they're just easy to pop in my bag" in a light cheery voice.
If you cry then she knows her opinions have influence. Shake them off and it will really annoy her.

You need to find your backbone in the nicest possible way. You are being bullied and rather than getting angry and dealing with the woman you are dissolving into tears and giving her the satisfaction that she's winning just as she does with her own daughters.

Your daughter is thriving in her school and is happy. Who gives a sh*t what MIL thinks and why on earth let it upset you?. I'd be tempted to break into song "Let it Go" every time she brings it up and have the kids join in. Take.The.Piss
If your daughter looks puzzled, be straight with her. Granny wanted you to go to a different school but we wanted you to go to the same school as your brothers. Don't pay any attention, we're not going to change your school.

Lots of small kids which is full on and busy - presume hers are a neat 5 years apart are they? Leave her to babysit and develop some empathy but realistically she'll just bully your children.
Or take a bare faced approach if she's prudish - "Well DH and I have a healthy sex life... consequences. <hard stare> ?
"Just out of interest, how is this any of your business exactly?"

I think this woman is really bad for your health!
She is wearing away your self esteem and making it harder for you to take back control of your own home and routine.

If you don’t stand up to her a bit you are going to go downhill as it’s been going on for so long.

Its not a question of being rude to her or combative, aggressive or awkward, it’s a matter of deciding how many visits you can put up with and then kindly INVITING her at a set time, rather than accepting her way of popping in and out as if she owns the place.

Invite her at YOUR convenience and as she leaves, tell her that you are very busy but you look forward to seeing her at the same time next week (or next month or whatever) as that works nicely.
If she pushes back, just repeat … No MIL we are too busy then, so please don’t keep asking and have a wasted journey as we won’t change our minds, but we will see you same time next week from 3 to 6 if you can make it, if not then the following week at the same time. No I can’t do Friday but as I say Monday from 3 to 6 works well for us, but up to you, let me know if you can’t come, if I don’t hear from you, that’s when we will see you next, thanks for coming today, drive carefully!’

You have to be firm about it and take the upper hand. Take hold of the conversation. There’s nothing stopping you. It isn’t combative to tell her when you are available and to tell her that’s the only time you are available. And to tell her to stop pushing you to organise everything around her. You don’t have to explain yourself either.
It’s your home not hers. You are adults in charge of your own lives.
Stop being so available. You are entitled to privacy in your home except when you want to have her there.

And OP, when she’s rude to you about your parenting tell her clearly that it’s none of her business…… ‘MIL, I understand you did things differently in your day, but please keep those negative comments to yourself, I’m growing tired of your criticisms of me and it’s up to us how we parent so don’t ever mention that again, it’s very rude in our culture and in our home. I won’t be able to make you welcome if you continue to do it against our wishes, would you like another cup of tea now or later?’

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams@LAMPS1
You’re absolutely right. I need to be firmer and shut it down rather than just hoping she’ll stop. The problem is, she acts like she’s just giving “helpful advice,” so if I push back, she plays the “misunderstood grandma” card. But I’m honestly at breaking point with it.

I love the idea of just calmly shutting it down: That’s not up for discussion. Would you like another cup of tea? I just need to get better at actually saying it in the moment.

anyway, she’s insisted on popping over for dinner this evening (my husband will come home from work early as I said I can’t do it solo). I’ll try stand up for myself. Might even get the kids singing let it go

You really do have the patience of a saint, if this was me I’d have lost my shit and banned her indefinitely!

Yes, I have pointed out the double standard to DH before. To be fair, he does sometimes step in. Like when MIL made a dig about how our toddler is “too clingy” and it must be because I “baby him too much,” DH actually said, “Mum, that’s just how toddlers are. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting his mum.” She still tried to argue, of course, but at least he pushed back.

The problem is, he grew up just ignoring her comments, so he thinks that’s the best way to handle it. He’s not trying to be unfair, he just genuinely doesn’t understand why I can’t do the same. But I’m realising that just letting it go doesn’t work for me—I need to set firmer boundaries myself.

DH also works so much that if I just left her visits to him, they’d end up eating into our limited family time, which I really don’t want. At least this week, she’s coming over for dinner, so he’ll be home early, and I won’t have to deal with her on my own.

OP it may not suit you but I think your DH's ignore strategy is a good option actually....I mean seriously continue as though she hasn't said anything. She criticises the school, you comment on the weather. She says the children can stay up, you behave as though you haven't heard. She won't be able to say you are too sensitive. She offers to home cook snacks, you ask the children would they like another packaged snack. Trust me if you can do it, it will annoy the hell out of her!!

The problem is, he grew up just ignoring her comments, so he thinks that’s the best way to handle it. He’s not trying to be unfair, he just genuinely doesn’t understand why I can’t do the same

This. You may need to learn to let it go, give a mental yawn and remind yourself she's batshit.

"So anyway....." and change the subject.

It's helpful to have a handful of stock really neutral phrases that if she repeats back to others will have them wondering why she is pissed off.

"I get the impression [no shit sherlock] that you are still upset about our choice of school for DD. She's very happy there and we are with our choice. I suggest you raise it with DH that it's still upsetting you [mentally - you irrational old cow] rather than spoil your visit."
Whereas - a rude response might be "Moving on" in a rude tone of voice and changing the subject to something completely and obviously unrelated eg "Moving on, I see the price of fish has gone up" OR "Whatever" Or "Let me go and check in my bothered bag.... no it's empty"

Actually, I strongly recommend that last one. I regularly use it on the kids. Treat her like a child who persistently nags and it might make you feel better.

Best of luck. You are not alone in this.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3330868-Share-passive-aggressive-comments-youve-received-from-your-MIL

Ooh why is it ok to be disrespectful and rude to you.

stick to your guns OP

@clrd dont you ask her whether she has noticed that her son just ignores her comments?? just tell her that you wont ignore them and you are fed up keeping quiet so you are going to call the shots in your house regarding your family! stop being soft!! also I cannot believe she invited herself for dinner! what a cheek!!! I just would not put up with any more of her shit! how dare she.

@clrd meant to type the word "why" at the beginning of my post above!

Why on earth would you not get to see your children every day? If your DH has decided he wants out, then you fight him for a minimum 50/50 custody.

Can I suggest you start your own thread, so that we can try and help you, without derailing this OP's thread?

@clrd How old is she?

To be blunt:

You have a charmed life. A housekeeper, babysitter, plenty of income, even your own passive income and you're living your dream life raising your kids. MIL sounds pretty awful but if this is the one thorn in your side then I would just focus on dealing with it among all the wonderful things you also get, as a result of your marriage to your DH. In other words, suck it up buttercup!

My suggestion: Learn to grey rock her! Come up with three stock phrases and use them to anything she says. "Oh yes you're probably right" with a smile / tinkly laugh it's quite a good one. As is "oh really, you think?" Don't actually listen or take it to heart.

Write fuck off on the roof on your mouth with your tongue when she annoys you. Relax your jaw, stick your tongue out and shake your hands / head if you think you're going to cry.

Get weekly therapy / counseling to offload where you can rant and rave to your hearts content.