AIBU to start limiting contact with my MIL for my 3 kids?

[clrd]

We have three kids—5, 3, and almost 1. My husband works very long hours and earns well, which allows me to be a SAHM (what I’d always wanted to be). Our setup works well: I handle the kids’ schedules, education, health, as well as family visits because if we only saw family when my husband was available, it would eat into our rare family time and mean the kids saw their grandparents much less. It seems to work well with everything except MIL’s visits.

The problem is, the more kids we have, the more overbearing my MIL becomes. She has an opinion on everything. Every visit, she reminds me she doesn’t like the school our eldest goes to (she knows I was the one who researched and chose it). She constantly brings up how I “didn’t breastfeed for long enough” with my youngest, jokingly guesses if I’m pregnant and regularly jokes that it’s time for me to get pregnant again to “keep up the pattern.” When I brush it off, she’ll shake her head and say things like, “Well, you don’t want to leave an awkward gap, do you?” as if our family planning is somehow her decision. She also completely undermines my parenting whenever she visits. If I say it’s bedtime, she’ll immediately counter with, “Oh, don’t be silly! Granny’s still here, they can stay up late.”

When I was pregnant with my youngest, I had horrible morning sickness. One afternoon, MIL was over while I was struggling to get through the day, barely able to keep food down. As I’d been trying to keep 2 toddlers happy all morning, I thought now that their gran is here maybe I’ll sit and relax for a minute. She looked me up and down and said, “Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you can stay on the sofa all day - the kids will think it’s new baby’s fault their mum doesn’t play with them. Also put some make up on before DH gets home - men love with their eyes” all said in a tone as if she’s doing me a favour sharing her advice based on a lifetime of experience and knowledge. I was exhausted, nauseous, and barely holding it together, and I just burst into tears. Instead of apologizing, she just rolled her eyes and muttered, “Oh, it’s just hormones.”

Another time, she made a comment that actually reduced me to tears in front of my kids. The baby had been fussy all morning, I was dealing with a tantrum from my toddler, and my eldest was whining about something minor. I was completely overwhelmed. MIL just sighed dramatically and said, “Maybe if you gave them more time each individually, they wouldn’t act like this.” I just broke. For context, they have all my time. I rarely go anywhere without them and spend all day every day making sure they’re healthy, happy and being developed. Admittedly it’s mainly with all 3 (or now, 2 of them, as the oldest is at school) rather than 1 on 1. I started crying right there while my kids stared at me, and instead of offering any kindness, she just muttered, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive.”

For context, my husband is from a culture where grandparents are much more involved, often even living with their adult children. That’s not how we’ve structured our family, but it explains why MIL sees herself as having a bigger role than I think is appropriate.

My husband is an amazing dad, incredibly supportive, and earns more than enough to provide us with a very comfortable life. We even have a housekeeper, so it’s not like I’m drowning in housework, it’s just that every time MIL is here, I feel constantly judged, criticised, and completely dismissed.

Would I be unreasonable to start limiting contact, even if that means the kids see her less?

If one of your kids came to you and said they were being treated like this what would you think/feel/say? She is a bully. Stamp it out now. Tell her that she is on her last warning and that any more nasty comments will mean that she will only see you and the children when your DH is there. Then follow through. Get a ring doorbell, don’t answer her calls or texts leave it all to DH. Being bullied to tears in front of your own kids is not a cultural difference!!! She’s just a nasty horrible person. Don’t let your kids see you being treated like this. I know your worried about it eating into your family time and I get that but if only for the example this is setting to your kids you have to stand up for yourself.

I completely get where you’re coming from, and honestly, I do remind myself all the time how lucky I am. My life is pretty great— I wouldn’t trade it. And if MIL were just a minor irritation, I’d absolutely take your advice and let it roll off me.

It’s the way she plants doubt in my head, always making me feel like I’m screwing up somehow. And the worst part is, she does it in front of the kids, which makes me feel undermined in my own home. I know therapy might help, but ultimately, I think I need to stop letting her have so much access to me if she’s just going to use it to tear me down.

Early 70s but very very active

Then next time she mentions how they 'just got on with things in her day'

Utter nonsense. She's my age and I was prostrate with morning sickness. Believe me, I didn't just get on with anything. I couldn't

She's just a nasty piece of work

But you do have a bit of a DH problem...

We have an update: she’s been over for dinner. The kids are finally in bed, and I’m sitting here feeling pretty awful after arguing with DH. I hate fighting with him. We almost never do, but tonight we did, and it just made everything worse. And the worst part? MIL probably left feeling completely satisfied while I’m sitting here crying and pissed off.

First of all, thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I really, really appreciate it. I don’t really talk about this in real life because I don’t want to speak badly about DH or his family to my friends, so this is the only place I can really vent. I just want to be clear that in no way am I blaming anyone here for how badly tonight went. It’s just how MIL is. I’m posting an update for the same reason I posted the original - I want advice.

She came over for dinner, and DH finished work early because I asked him to be there when she arrived. I really wanted the evening to go well, and I tried to take the advice to push back more, set firmer boundaries, and not just let her steamroll me. But honestly, it’s just made things worse.

It started before we even sat down. DH had to take a work call, so it was just me and MIL in the kitchen, and she took one look at me and went, “Oh, you’re looking a little rounder and a little more tired these days… but no, you’d have told me, wouldn’t you?” with that smug, knowing little smile. I ignored it, but my stomach was in knots for the rest of the night.

Then at dinner, she moved on to our eldest. My daughter is bright and curious and asks a lot of questions, which I love about her. At some point, she asked MIL why she thinks girls shouldn’t play football and says she likes it, and MIL let out this dramatic sigh and said, “Goodness, she’s got a lot of opinions for a child! You do let them talk back a lot, don’t you?”

I actually pushed back! I said, “I like that she questions things.” And MIL, without missing a beat, gave DH a pointed look and said, “Oh, I can see that. I just hope you don’t regret letting her think she can challenge everything when she’s older.” Why would I regret raising a girl who won’t get taken advantage of and agree with anyone and anything??

DH did step in here. He told her, “Mum, there’s nothing wrong with her having opinions.” And MIL just did this little head shake and muttered, “It’s different these days, I suppose.”

Then came the baby. She’s just started self-feeding, which means mealtimes are messy. MIL watched her smear food everywhere, and instead of saying anything about that, she turned to me and said, “Well, at least you have a housekeeper to deal with all this, don’t you.” With that fake innocent tone, blatantly implying I’d be drowning without hired help.

Then she’s started with the money comments. First, in a general conversation about the cost of living, she casually dropped, “Oh well, at least DH earns enough that you don’t have to worry about it.” Then, when I mentioned getting something for the house, she laughed and said, “Oh well, I suppose you just have to ask DH nicely.” DH actually pushed back this time. “Mum, it’s no more my money than it is hers, it’s family money.” She just smiled that awful, syrupy-sweet smile and said, “Oh, of course, dear. But you have to admit, some women really land on their feet, don’t they.”

I held it together. I smiled, I saw her out, I acted fine. And then, once the door was shut, I got the kids to bed, and then I just broke. No one saw. And of course, DH and I ended up arguing. Not a huge fight, but the same conversation we always have. I should just ignore her and let her comments slide, it’s how she is. And I told him that ignoring her isn’t working, she knows she upsets me, and she keeps doing it anyway. I hate arguing with DH and that’s what’s making me even more upset. Aside from MIL, we have such a warm , loving, and calm relationship.

He wasn’t dismissive, exactly. He just doesn’t see it the same way. He thinks standing up to her at the moment is enough. I told him I’m just tired of every single visit being like this. He didn’t respond much. And that’s the thing. I don’t want to put him in the middle. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. And tonight, I tried to stand up for myself more, and it still ended with me sitting here crying while I write this, arguing with DH, which has made me feel even worse, and I feel like MIL left satisfied.

Should I have done something more or differently? How do I stop being so sensitive? Tell me straight, as harshly as you like. I appreciate it.

Harshly?? Ok. Stop being a doormat. Tell her if she can’t say anything nice she can keep her evil trap shut. And if your ‘D’H isn’t going to defend you and be on your side (you know the side of his wife and mother of his children) tell him he can be dealing with his mothers comments all by himself because you’ll be leaving him! You can’t seriously be prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life? What sort of example are you setting for your children letting yourself be treated like this in front of them? You quite clearly have a husband problem as well as an MiL problem.

I’ll add that I did stand up to the money comments too. I really tried to push back.

When she said I’d landed on my feet with DH I calmly said, “we’re lucky to have each other”, smiled and put my hand on DH. She didn’t have much to say to that—just did this little tight-lipped nod and looked at me like I was an innocent clueless little girl.

When she looked at our youngest and said something like, “Poor baby, won’t get enough attention with you probably having another soon, will you?” i was taken aback for a second. DH said “Mum, don’t worry about it. We’ll decide when and how many kids to have.” And that made me really mad because it’s not a “mum dw”, it should be a “mum shut up!” By that point. I tried to calmly say, “We’re perfectly capable of handling our kids, thanks.” (I’m not sure I sounded calm).

And honestly, that’s what’s making me even more frustrated. I did push back. I didn’t let her steamroll me. And yet, here I am, still feeling awful, still sitting in bed crying, still having argued with DH over it.

She only gets under your skin because she sees a weakness, she can see that you aren't confident and that will take what she says to heart.
You need to make your DH know how crap she makes you feel. Because I suspect she will up the ante.
Why do her digs upset you so much? What is it exactly that has made you so insecure that she gets under your skin? You seem as if you don't feel you deserve your life or that it could all come crashing round your ears at any moment?
I mean if you went back to work your mil would make out that you're the worst mother in the world abandoning your children to a nanny... I don't know women have children if they're only interested in their career... (The kind of shit men never get!)

Maybe try writing down to explain how your Mil is making you feel and why just ignoring her isn't going to work for you and you need an actual plan and support.

Why can't you really fight back to your Mil, DH is telling you to just ignore her. You've said that you can't, he hasn't listened to you.

In fact what I mean is why are you so scared of standing up for yourself?
Why would it matter if you Mil thinks you're oversensitive and not conforming to her expectations?
Why does it matter if you DH thinks you are overreacting?
I have disagreed with my DH over all sorts of things, and plenty of times I have overreacted but sometimes that's the only way to get someone to actually listen.
Actually stand up for yourself. Come on.

You do need to be firmer. It's your house and she's making you feel wretched. Practise saying I think that's really rude whenever she says anything that frankly is rude. And if she persists say you won't tolerate someone being rude to you so she needs to leave until she can talk nicely to you.

OP, I had a problem with something my DH was doing. I told him how I felt, and he said that I was 'over reacting'. To which I responded 'I may be over reacting, but it's the way it makes me feel, and you need to listen to what I'm saying!' By telling him this, I acknowledged that he didn't see things the same way that I did, but the fact is, it didn't matter what he THOUGHT, it was how I FELT that mattered.

What I'm trying to tell you, is that you need to make your DH actually HEAR what you're saying, not just pay it lip service. So, sit him down, tell him how his bitch of a mother makes you feel like you're a failure, or whatever it is that she does make you feel, and tell him that you want him to do something about it. If he comes out with the same old stuff, say to him 'You're not listening to me!' He will of course say that he is, in which case you then say, 'You might think you're listening, but YOU ARE NOT HEARING ME!! I want you to sort this out, and if you don't do it, I will!'

If he still does nothing, then sit down and write MIL a letter or email, telling her that she's no longer welcome to just drop in when she feels like it, as every time she visits, she makes sly and nasty comments, and you're no longer prepared to put up with it. Tell her that you're sick of her constant criticism, and the fact that she tries to make you look like a bad mother, in front of your children, and you're not going to tolerate it. Therefore when, and if, she's invited to visit in future, it will only be when her son is there, and if she is rude to you, she WILL be shown the door.

She'll doubtless go running to your DH, and when she does, you tell him that you told him how you felt, he said he was listening, but he wasn't. He's done nothing to protect you from her sly remarks, and so you've done it yourself. Sadly, this may mean the end of your marriage, but his mother is determined to do that anyway, so why let her win without at least putting up a fight?

As well as much of the great advice above, I would have to say to her “MIL we won’t be able to see you next week, we will call you to arrange something for one day in the week after”.

And then keep repeating your boundaries in terms of time and access you are willing to give, lengthening the period if necessary.

I would hope that it would soon dawn on her that “good” behaviour on her part facilitates her access to her grandchildren and son. Bad behaviour delays it.

With kindness OP, some of her comments could be brushed off but I think you are at a point of taking everything so personally you are taking everything as a personal attack, you need to climb down a bit. The way your husband deals with her and the way you deal with her are at complete odds and I can see why he is frustrated that you don't adopt his style of dealing with her, because his way works for him.

And honestly OP you are sleep walking straight into some of these comments..

CASE IN POINT:

MIL: “Goodness, she’s got a lot of opinions for a child! You do let them talk back a lot, don’t you?”

YOU: I actually pushed back! I said, “I like that she questions things.”
Can you not see how passive and meek of an answer this is, this isn't a pushback in the slightest OP, it is you siding with your daughter, but MIL is disagreeing with something your daughter has just done, so by passively saying you like it when your daughter does that you have now walked straight in to her switching her focus on to you, in no way is that shutting down MIL, it is just giving her an opening for a punchline:
MIL “Oh, I can see that.
Boom..

Now see your DHs response in comparison:

DH: “Mum, there’s nothing wrong with her having opinions.”
This is textbook how to do it, 'there is nothing wrong with that' or 'what's wrong with that?' is backing MIL in to a corner, importantly, with no "I" statements, you haven't bought yourself into it, the only way to continue her argument now would be for her to say that children having an opinions is somehow wrong.. and specifically your daughter having opinions is wrong, so she is left with no where to go...
MIL “It’s different these days, I suppose.”
She shuts the fuck up, as DH has left her no other alternative.

Can you see the difference? I think once you find an effective method of shutting down her comments, you will feel more in control of your interactions, stop bringing yourself into it, because you aren't confident enough in your opinions at the moment to put your money where your mouth is.. you lack conviction, so basically you need to find a way to immediately de-escalate danger areas rather than try to escalate an argument you don't have the confidence to win.

'What's wrong with that'
'there's nothing wrong with that'
'it's totally normal to do x,y,z'
'it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things'
'why does it bother you though?'
'DH doesn't think so'
'there's no point arguing it's done now'
'time will tell'
'what would we do without you'

• you need to say these things as genuinely and kindly as you can, even better if you mean them, don't see her comments as something you can 'win' (you can't), so just find 'non-committal, non answers' like your husband does, which leaves her no where to go.. it will drive her fucking crazy but she can't escalate things if you don't let her.

Also, I'd fake agree with her with some things, I used to do this with my step mum who was evil, I'd say 'oh yes, I couldn't agree more' 'you know, now you say it it makes perfect sense' then me and my dad used to have a little smirk and wink between us, it felt like an us against her sort of moment as a way of dealing with her spitefulness, but I spent plenty of times in the bathroom crying as a child because of her comments before I found ways to 'fight back', so I know exactly how powerless you feel.

So give her little fake wins (or genuine wins) every now and again, wink at the kids or DH, don't see everything as a battle you have to win, learn to roll your eyes, stop setting yourself up as a punchline and she may actually ease off trying to provoke you all the time.

Sorry OP, that rambled on, hope you're okay.

Agree with @sandyhappypeople You’ve had loads of good advice on confronting and changing the dynamic, but maybe you aren’t feeling strong enough just yet…
Would it help to write a list of her stock upsetting comments- and put them in a grid? Then you can play MIL bingo. Each time she makes a comment on the grid you can put a mental line through till you get a full house! Meanwhile just politely agree or say something vague. I’d be v tempted to say stuff like- “yes youre right! I’m such a shit mum!” springs to mind, or “goodness how right you are- don’t mind me, I’m just hormonal!”. Just give her nothing to feed on.

We could play it with you and try to take some of the sting out of these nonsensical comments.

Fir example I predict…: next time she sees you she will say

1. She cares about you!
2. She will make a reference to an upcoming pregnancy (ugh)
3. school remark- critical of choice - so predictable!
4. 5 and 6 will be three comments criticising your parenting skills!

As soon as she’s done all 6 you rush to the loo, shout MIL Bingo! at the top of your voice, then return, the picture of calm…then later tell us all about it. Any new surprising insult you’ve not heard before you can of course add to the list…and please tell us too. You might award her bonus marks for creativity… Or maybe you could add up the insults during next visit (in your head), and place bets on the number beforehand with your DH. Whoever gets closest wins a treat! Will she make double figures?

I get that this is very upsetting but also, she loves the drama- and she loves that your husband in her view is choosing her over you by not fighting harder. She loves upsetting you. Well done for not crying in front of her. Let’s make it so these comments no longer upset you but just make you rush to tick your bingo sheet…

@sandyhappypeople @fleetbug give really good advice.

I'm afraid you are taking it all too much to heart now. She's gotten under your skin and so it's just hard for you to rise above.

As PP said, your DH has a method that works for him. And he has in that convo you outlined, defended your family position eg it's our money.

The challenge is you don't have a defence that works for you. So you need to find some things and I agree with @sandyhappypeople list as a starter. And having DH there helps too I think.

The other approach is that next time she comes around when she makes a pregnancy comment you cut her off and say clearly "please stop commenting on pregnancy, I don't like it" and when she retorts, just repeat. And when she comments on children say "please stop commenting in front /about children, I don't like it" and keep saying the same thing. Every time she says something backhanded

OP, may I ask how old you and your DH are?

I do think that you are so ground down by her that literally everything she says gets magnified in your head.

She sounds really bloody annoying and unpleasant. But you have had some great advice here and the overarching takeaway is that you must learn to let her ridiculous running commentary wash over you. This is why I asked how old you are because I remember my own overbearing EX mil and think about how I would handle her now.

Focus on your blessed life and get some therapy too as it will help you in asserting your position in your own home.

The problem is that much as you say you are perfectly happy with your life and the choices you've made, you can't be, or she wouldn't get to you.

Your dh is. And so he answers reasonably stating so, and then forgets about it. Just like you would if a randomer said 'the sky is green'. You'd go 'no, it's blue' and then promptly forget about it.

But you don't. You get upset, you feel judged, you question your choices. If you are confident in them, then why would you get upset because some idiot questions you? You just shut them up like your dh does and move on.

You need to explore why you don't have that confidence yourself.

OP grey rock. Look it up. She is the ultimate rude and passive aggressive asshole.

However, even a broken clock is right twice a day…girls do achieve academics better in single sex schools, secondary specifically. It’s a statistical fact.

@clrd you are still being way to soft with her!! no more of this pushing back. it does not work with her. you just have to come out and be rude back to her. tell her to mind her own business and get out of yours. she is no longer allowed to interfere in your lives!

@clrd MIL: “Goodness, she’s got a lot of opinions for a child! could you not have responded with "Goodness, you have a lot of opinions about my children for a mother in law, dont you?" she might have shut up at that point. make it known that her opinions are of no consequence so she should keep them to herself!! if dh wants to sit like a wee quiet kitten then so be it, but you dont need to take her shit! stand up to her in your own house!!

You can’t change her or control her.

the only thing you can change is how you handle this.

Google grey rock technique and practise.

if you feel undermined easily and quickly then maybe you need to work on your own self esteem and confidence

If he's supportive and loving except when you actually need his support, and except when it causes him a bit of discomfort and conflict to be supportive, then he's not a supportive and loving husband. What he's saying is "be quiet and put up with the situation, regardless of how upsetting you find it, because that's easier for me".

It sounds extremely unlikely that your MIL will change and equally as unlikely that your husband will grow a pair, stand up to his mother and properly protect you and the children from her toxicity. So unfortunately it's just a case of deciding whether you can live this or whether you can find a way to tolerate it. Or whether you just carry on as you are, being disrespected in your own home and having your children listen to this misogynistic crap disguised as "culture".

OP, everyone is pretty much saying the same thing. You cannot change her, you can only change your attitude and response. And this will involve a big shift in attitude from you - basically, you have to take control.

I get how scary this is, I've been there. Bit if you don't take control, this will drip drip drip and make you ill.

It took me 18 months of therapy to understand and change my behaviour, so it doesn't happen overnight, but the first step is to recognise what is happening.

This is a game which is all about power. She is trying to gain control in your house, relationship with your DH and children. You have to put boundaries in place to stop her.

As I said above, the most effective way of doing this is to take her to one side, away from the children, and calmly say:

"Please do not make comments about whether I am pregnant/dd's school etc...I have tried to let it go, because I want us to have a good relationship, but I am simply not prepared to discuss this again"

Then don't wait for a response. Don't discuss. Don't explain or justify it and don't repeat ever again. She will try lots of tricks - get angry, cry, tell your dh what a bitch you are, be extra nice to you...these are all tricks, so ignore them. Then grey rock any mention of these subject again.

Believe me, it works. You'll need to be brave, but it gets easier as your strength grows. Remember, you have the power here.

I came out of an abusive marriage and realised that I followed a pattern with everyone, and was being bullied by my boss mother, mother in law etc. I changed my behaviour patterns, and I won't take it now. And I was the biggest doormat ever! It can be done.

Thank you again, truly. I know I’ve said it before, but this space has become something I really lean on. I don’t talk about any of this with friends—I don’t want to speak badly about DH or his family to people we know—so being able to write here and get all your thoughts (blunt ones included!) honestly helps more than I can say. I read every reply, and I’m so grateful for all the perspectives.

@loubielou31 – You’re not wrong. I do need to stand up for myself more. And no, it shouldn’t matter if MIL thinks I’m oversensitive, or if DH doesn’t quite “get it.” But I think I’ve always avoided conflict, and this feels so far out of my comfort zone. I’m not scared of her, exactly—I just freeze. Like I don’t know what to say without making everything worse. I’m working on it though.

@Zonder – “I think that’s really rude” might end up being my new catchphrase. It’s short, calm, and actually doable in the moment. I’ve been practising it in the car like a weirdo, and it makes me feel a tiny bit more in control already.

@BakelikeBertha – I haven’t tried your “you’re not hearing me” approach yet, but I’m going to. I like how direct it is. We’ve had so many versions of the same conversation where I end up crying and he ends up confused, and I think part of it is that I haven’t explained it like that—how it’s not about what he thinks is a big deal, but about how it makes me feel.

@sandyhappypeople – You make such a good point. I totally see what you’re saying now about how I responded to that “opinions” comment. I thought I was being brave by defending our daughter, but I did leave myself wide open. DH’s comment was much cleaner—firm, no room to argue. I’m going to steal that approach next time. I’ve also been thinking about your idea of fake-agreeing or playing it off a bit lighter when I can—it’s not about winning, it’s about getting through it with less damage. That shift in perspective really helps.

@Frostykitty – Yep, power. You’ve nailed it. I don’t think she consciously sits there thinking about power plays, but it definitely feels like a tug-of-war sometimes. I haven’t had a private word with her yet, but I’m getting closer to being able to. Just need to build myself up a bit more.

@CatherinedeBourgh – I actually am confident in my choices. I love motherhood, even on the hardest days. It’s not that I doubt what we’re doing—it’s more that I’ve never had someone in my life who jabs like this. My own family is so gentle and supportive, I’m just not used to navigating these sharp little digs and underhanded comments. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to respond fast enough. But I’m learning.

@moveoveralice – I’m in my late 20s, DH is mid-40s. And yep, I’m definitely a bit ground down. I let stuff slide for so long that now I’m reacting to every little thing.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld – Your comeback suggestion made me laugh. That’s actually a pretty solid way to shut her down without going full fire-breathing dragon. I think I’ve been too worried about keeping the peace, but honestly, she doesn’t deserve that much tiptoeing.

@Fargo79 – Oof, yeah. That one hit. I don’t think DH is unsupportive—he’s loving, helps with the kids when he’s around, provides, is kind—but when it comes to her, it’s like he’s still playing the same role he had as a teenager. Keep her calm, ignore the digs, get through the visit. But I’ve told him that what worked for him as a kid doesn’t work for me now as his wife and the mother of his kids. I think that clicked a little.

@jeaux90 and @ThePoetsWife – I’ve been reading about grey rocking this week and I’m going to give it a proper go. I need to stop reacting and giving her fuel. It’s hard when she’s in my house, but I’m working on keeping my cool and giving less away.

@VWT5 – I’ve actually already brought this up with DH. I told him that I don’t want to keep hosting her every week and that the visits need to be spaced out. He wasn’t thrilled, but I said it’s not about punishing anyone—it’s about keeping our home peaceful and giving me space to breathe. So I’m setting that boundary now. If she’s rude, visits get pushed back. Simple as that.

And lastly, just to explain where I’m coming from a bit more—I think I am just a sensitive person. I grew up in a home where people were kind, no one made sly comments or picked at each other. So now, when someone like MIL comes in and pokes at the way I parent or drops digs about money or lifestyle, it stings. Because I love being a mum. I think I’m actually doing really well at it—and maybe that’s why her comments feel so sharp. They cut right into something I care deeply about and am proud of.

Anyway, that was longer than planned. Thank you again for reading and replying and holding space for me to figure this out. I’m definitely a work in progress, but I’m feeling less alone in it now.

OP, I think that because your DH lets it slide without it affecting him, you really still aren’t seeing how shocking her remarks are.
They aren’t just digs about your parenting, housekeeping, finances and lifestyle which are bad enough. There are also, very personal and disrespectful comments about your weight, appearance, hormones and family planning, in a very creepy and very entitled way. It’s socially unacceptable and she deserves to know that.

It has to stop.
You aren’t her daughter.
She can’t speak to you this way any more in your own home. Your own mother must be horrified.
It’s totally inappropriate, interfering and incredibly rude.
Her ‘advice’ is uninvited, unwarranted, unhelpful, damaging and unwanted.
She enjoys getting away with it every single time.
She gets off on making you uncomfortable and upset.
She has no respect or even tolerance for you whatsoever
You personally owe her nothing and should give her a wider berth.
You DO owe it to yourself to let her know it has to stop.

If she feels entitled to subject you to her remarks in her own home because that’s how she shows she cares for you in her culture, (which I can’t believe for a second) then fair enough, - you are free to decline her invitations to go there and tell her exactly why. That’s what you should do OP.
’No MIL, until you stop the constant nasty digs, the children and I won’t be visiting’

But she has no right to subject you to her spiteful comments in your own home because in your culture, it is beyond rude and unacceptable. Tell her that.

It’s good to know you have put your foot down about her popping in all the time without a prior invitation. That’s real progress, well done. Your DH really has to support you with this and face the music from her when she complains.

Practise a few more ‘back chat’ phrases OP.
How about ….let me be quite clear, your offensive remarks are not welcome in my home.
Or, …I don’t care for your opinions MIL so keep them to yourself!
Or…. How about you learn to mind your own business about our private life!
Or…..That’s not your judgement to make so stop right now!
Or…..We make our own decisions without your interference thanks so give it up.
Or…..Stop being a busy body and keep your nose out of my family life.
Or…..That’s inappropriate and I don’t want to hear it.
Or….. Don’t expect me to tolerate any more of your disrespectful nonsense.
Or ….That’s just plain rude, shut the door on your way out please.
Or…..The world has moved on from your old fashioned parenting ideas MIL.
Or …..You deserve to know you come across as rude and socially inept in our culture.