He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

But she met him in her country. He chose to move there and took the risk of starting a relationship with someone local. That was his choice. Why should she be forced into a reciprocal arrangement?. I met my husband in my hometown not his. I was never going to move to his hometown ever and they are only 2 hours away.

@Snowpaw I agree this is going to now be a recurring issue. Our relationship has been warm, loving and fun (and had two bereavements), but now it’s about this.

I realise I need to face head on that I might need to break up with someone I deeply love. That feels impossible.

But I need to remember is that for him it wasn’t impossible. I’m not saying he’s wrong for this btw- but part of me worries about the depth of his feelings if the relationship doesn’t come first, with where WE choose to live coming second.

I am not saying she should. But it’s only fair to see his side too. I met my DH in the UK where we both stayed at the time. We lived in opposite sides of the world. I stayed for 6 years, and he knew I would want to go back to my country which we did. He had a great job in the UK, to say the least. So he had to start over. It’s not easy. I had stayed in his country for a while before I met him though, so knew the culture, people and humour etc. And it has helped SO much, now that we have children (they are young adults). I think both should get to know each others countries if possible before having children. I can see both sides. It’s not black or white unfortunately.

I think this is a very valid reason to not want your kids to grow up in Scotland to be fair. Wiith poverty comes lots of other issues such as anti-social behaviour which is already a much bigger issue in the UK compared to Denmark. It's quite a stark difference between the freedom Danish kids have from a much younger age than UK kids do because the risk of being a victim of a crime is so much lower in Denmark. It's definitely a serious consideration for most parents and it will be for you too. For him it's obviously a no brainer as he has experience of both places and stronger ties to the safer option that will most likely benefit his future kids more. No idea why he's throwing Ireland into the mix though but it does show that his ties to Scotland are a lot weaker than you thought.

He is my best friend and I love him. I want him to be the father of my kids .

But whether this is realistic now I don’t know. Lots to think about.

This. All the feelings that you have about moving abroad are likely what he feels too. You had a few years in Italy and went home. He's had a few years in Scotland and now wants to go home. You could be a truly bilingual bicultural family with a foot in each country. DK is so near and so accessible.

@MyOtherProfile the difference is that last year he actually got the dream job he wanted after studying towards it for years. He could have this job for life.

I personally think my feelings aside, he needs to think carefully before giving that up to return ‘home’.

I agree with you, I think we could have a great life with our children. We have a truly loving foundation and I know we’d be dedicated parents. But this is the dilemma.

I think many previous posters have been unkind to your partner, assuming he has bad intentions based on his change of heart. You don’t seem to understand his change of heart about where to live either. Maybe it’s to do with the next stage of his life. He’s looking at having children and settling down and he doesn’t want to do that here. I have had similar thoughts myself. I moved to the UK ten years ago and I was perfectly happy here until recently. Not being able to afford to buy a house and paying a large chunk of your salary for childcare are crazy to me. I’m from a Nordic country where most people are homeowners and childcare is 50-100 euros a month! And children play outside and walk home from school alone and are home alone while parents are at work etc and it’s all perfectly normal and safe.

I wouldn't want my children to live near cold grandparents. I wouldn't want to live near cold in laws. I wouldn't give up my career and family and friends and hobbies to live in a country I'd only visited once.

How often has he gone home in the time you've known him?

I have two friends who had children abroad, in USA and France. In both cases, the children, now adults or teens, consider themselves to be American and French. The French kids are bilingual but would consider French their first language.

So this goes beyond the relative advantages of child-rearing in Scotland/Denmark and into the very identity of your children.

The friend who moved to USA is currently getting divorced, would love to return to UK, but her adult child is American and wants to live in America. She doesn't want to be so far from them.

I can't see the other friend ever retiring back to the UK for the same reasons.

This is a big big decision for the shape of your future. Similarly for your DP of course.

@healthybychristmas no I don’t want this either. I just wouldn’t do it. Not when my parents and warm and supportive. I need to get to know them more to draw my own conclusions decisively.

He goes once a year at Christmas. They come to the UK once a year to see him.

Spot on. When I read about childcare costs and that there even is the saying heating or eating, makes me understand why the men from UK over here are adapting quickly to family life.

The other thing I feel IS a factor is the fact he is worried about the cost of childcare.

I said my parents are both about to retire (his aren’t) and have already indicated they’d be happy to be active grandparents etc. He countered they could come to Denmark for long periods, but clearly I meant we are well placed by being close to them.

This needs a lot more investigation including what Denmark is like for me. I’d far rather be near my own parents. So would he. This is the problem.

FFS! Please don't do this.

So you have decided then. You pick living next to your parents, over the love of your life and future family.

I don’t reckon he IS the love of your life. If he was, you would have made an effort by now to truly get to know his country and culture. You haven’t. He has with yours though.

There is no right or wrong in this. You are not wrong, and neither is he (even though many on here try to make out it is). Hopefully you will find true love one day. It’s worth waiting for!

She won’t. OP sounds like a decent person.

I don't think you should make any plans based on your parents watching your child(ren) for days out of the week. Things change and mumsnet is filled with posters whose parents either reneged on this, had complicated schedules as they had their own lives or just couldn't actually cope with full days with babies and toddlers when they were at retirement age. So lovely if it works out, but I wouldn't put that sort of expectation on your parents or yourself.

There's no way to make this a logical decision as you're both right. First step is absolutely going to Denmark for an extended stay. Look at where you might live, maybe even look at a school/nursery. See how it might work.

I'm obviously biased as DH and I don't have any family here and would never live where any of our parents are so that wasn't a consideration. I did however veto a plan of his some time ago to move again to New Zealand - that was just too far away and I couldn't picture that in my head. I live 27 hours door to door from my mother via 3 flights so anything less than that feels super manageable! Am aware this isn't typical but Denmark-Scotland really isn't very far at all and you could have wonderful support around school holidays when your parents retire.

I know I've said it before but at this stage I don't think it really matters how much you love him, it matters how much he loves you and someone who is unwilling to compromise or even discuss it, who will leave the relationship of you don't meet their demands and expects you to move your entire life to a new country you've only spent a week in without giving time to explore it first is not someone who is showing great potential as a partner and parent. And what if you do move and hate it, is he just going to say you can like it or lump it?

I think that's a bit unfair to him. He hasn't said she has to decide right now and she isn't allowed to explore the country and make an informed decision. Their futures are not compatible but neither is wrong. He is telling her that he doesn't see himself raising children in Scotland anymore which is fair enough, and she is saying she doesn't see herself raising kids anywhere but Scotland, also fair. It tells you nothing at all about how he would be as a parent, but most of us envision our kids having childhoods similar to our own childhoods, especially if they were good childhoods.

@cheezuz I agree, OP sounds like a decent person. It just makes me so cross to see "advice" like this 😒

It works both ways! He's essentially making the same choice as the OP whereas before both options were on the table. And as for her not making an effort to get to know Denmark, it appears he only goes there once a year himself! Give the girl a chance!

One thing I do agree with, though, if you stay together and regardless of where you live, is that the one who gets to stay in their country needs to be very mindful of what their other half has given up, and do as much as possible to maintain the links to the other country, culture and language. Not only for the children's sake.

So even if you both decide to stay in Scotland I would really encourage you to learn Danish, learn about Denmark, and not just expect your DP to do things the Scottish way. I found that the older I got the more attached to my roots I became.

And I was very hurt by the fact that my ex didn't make more of an effort in that regard. It was expected that I would just fit in and adapt. We'd also talked in the early years (I was ten years younger than you when we met and I decided to stay in France) about living between both countries when we retired. When we got to our forties and financially could have started planning for that, it had suddenly disappeared as an option.

At the end of the day my marriage didn't work out for a myriad of reasons, but this was one of them.

These are my exact thoughts. We might be from the same place. Being young and single abroad and being married with kids abroad are very different.

I’d tread carefully. This has all come out of the blue. He has very little connection if he only goes back once a year. Until now he was making lots of promises but now he’s completely changed his mind.

also what BS is this promise ring? He hasn’t made you any promises. Instead he’s threatening you with leaving then writing a poem and a ring (without explaining what the ring is). I agree it does seem like he wants to call your bluff.

How long are you with him? He’s the one who wants this sudden massive change but he has not given you any understanding of whether he’ll marry you and how kids will be factored in.

I'm afraid this has all the hallmarks of him dragging you over there only for this to break down in a year or two, with or without children. And he probably knows you’ll be trapped there if you have children.

if he loved you, he would be forcing your hand but instead having an open and frank discussion.

Is he afraid of commitment? He is not behaving like an equal partner who wants to make it work with the love of his life.

@partygate i share this concern.

I feel like he very well could be the love of my life. But am I his?

I wouldn’t accept anything less than a deep love that gives what I want equal weighting.

There is one last thought.

The future father of your children must put you first, it’s a non negotiable, because being a mother is huge, bigger than you can possibly imagine and unless you have a rock solid advocate that is going to have your back and put you (and by default your joint babies) first regardless of where you both live, the wheels will quickly come off.

Best case you will be back here a single mother, worst case you will be marooned there indefinitely on your own as a single mother with very few options.

At the moment it doesn’t sound like he is willing to do that. To put you first, to understand your needs, to ensure your long term happiness. Everything seems to be about him. Has he considered your poor parents that he is so close to? Or your challenges fitting in. He has already been accepted wholeheartedly in Scotland but nothing guarantees you the same welcome op.

Unless you have 100% commitment in either country you may as well stop wasting your most fertile years on a man that may not measure up in any capacity.