To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

It's only a burden when you are expected to do all of it for the family without the other adult pulling their weight

Is this genuine OP or are you just being incredibly goady?

But when you might be expected to "do it all" then some of course it is a mental load, recognising that things are stressful and voicing that helps people understand that they are doing too much, it isn't about responsibility.

This. But with one vital addition: there is no recognition or understanding that you are doing it

Because usually it falls all or mostly on the female partner? At least that’s my experience and wider observation.

Are you a man OP?

It’s a genuine question. I see a lot of discussion about the mental load but isn’t managing household tasks just part of being an adult? I wanted to see what others think.

No, I’m not a man. I just think that managing household responsibilities is part of life and I wonder if calling it the ‘mental load’ makes it sound like some huge injustice when it’s just normal adulting.

It’s hardly adulting if one partner (usually the woman) has to do it on behalf of another adult

Thats the point.

I’m both often aghast at how many women on Mn are in gruesomely unequal relationships as regards household gruntwork, and impatient with people listing completely minor or infrequent items of ‘household admin’ as part of their crushing mental load.

You're being deliberately obtuse. You are aware that women are complaining about having to think of everything when in a partnership.

It is normal adulting but many men seem to opt out of it and expect their partners to do it for them.

Why does the old 'you don't agree the same you have to be a man' come out?

It is just "part of life", but that doesn't mean it's not difficult and time consuming.

The "injustice" comes from men thinking "oh it's just easy, normal adulting" and totally opting out of it leaving some poor woman to do two people's worth of mental load.

It is "just part of being an adult" but apparently only for women as men just don't carry it, generally.
It is incredibly tiresome to have to remember all the things for all the people when there is another adult who is perfectly capable and just doesn't.

Oh good, another thread about this, it hasn't been done for at least five minutes 🤣

As I will say until I'm blue in the face, it's not a problem when it's evenly shared. It's annoying when it's all on one of the two adults who should be sharing it.

It depends if a person is just coping with their own "life admin", etc., or whether one person in a partnership is expected to cope with their own "life admin" and their partner's too. Moaning about your own, is definitely unreasonable, but moaning about having to do your partner's too, because s/he is hopeless or can't be arsed, is definitely reasonable. But they should just give their partner a kick up the arse to do it themselves or face the consequences themselves.

It seems to be a new term that’s used a lot nowadays to describe everyday tasks .
not sure where it came from tbh but yeah it’s certainly a popular way of complaining about everything that we used to just get on with .

The mental load is far higher when children are in the picture, especially those with special needs or other health issues. This is when often the balance goes awry.

Usually because it isn't just being responsible for yourself, other people's responsibilities get added in too, usually a partner or husband who is more than capable of organising themselves but it somehow lets it fall to the woman. You know you didn't empty the packet of coffee beans but if the person who did doesn't put it on the shopping list or buy more coffee beans then this becomes your responsibility too whilst they head out the door to their "hobby".

Add in children and they clearly cannot be responsible for themselves, so you go from being responsible for remembering everything for one person to 4 people.

I have a hands on husband who would repack the nappy bag if we had been out the house and used items, restocked the children's spare clothes into the car for those inevitable food slops or falling over in mud. He was an equal. His Dad retired at 53, his Mum carried on working full time, she was still expected to meal plan, cook 5 meals a week and do the supermarket shopping despite having a husband who held down a job that required thinking skills. He was more than capable but refused to do it.

The jobs I had would never have spilled over into home life, we had a clear desk policy so even the cleaners couldn't see the work, it was locked away on the premises and certainly not allowed to be brought home. I also worked before email became a thing. You went home, your work was done. A lot of people have jobs that spill over into evenings meaning there is no switch off from work. They are just expected to keep checking their phones. It all adds up.

Do you have children?

As already explained, it’s totally fine if all the adults in the household share an equal load. What isn’t acceptable is when you have one adult doing the majority, and the other is a lazy bastard.
I do think there are lazy people and non lazy people.
See also those who are too lazy to work yet expect everything free.

Mental load for a lot of women is a unique burden though and it is more than just normal adult life. It's organising, managing, and balancing several conflicting schedules as well as ensuring that all of the necessary resources are available. It is a burden that disproportionately falls to women and can cause enormous stress.

As an example, a trip to the supermarket. Mental load is things like

• thinking about what's already in the cupboards
• considering what's planned for that week outside of meals (e.g., can't do a roast on Tuesday as the kids need to be ferried to activities so there's not enough time)
• remembering everyone's preferences and dietary requirements
• doing a meal plan
• writing a shopping list
• navigating the shop
• if you have small children, keeping them safe, quiet and contained while you do it (heaven forbid your child make a noise in a shop)
• re-planning in your head to swap the meal plan around based on BBE dates
• making a mental note to come back for our of stock items or else mentally reconfiguring the meal plan to account for substitutions (plus working out what those substitutions are)
• keeping to a budget, remembering roughly what's in the bank
• keeping track of schedules, e.g., Little Johnny has food tech tomorrow and needs you to pick up ingredients

It goes beyond just being an adult as you're trying to juggle the mental and emotional work of/for multiple people, often with minimal input from those people. It is a constant expectation of perpetual anticipation, planning, and execution which is why it can be so overwhelming.

Why do some women believe that men aren’t capable of being adults and sharing the mental load?

I mean I do agree to a certain point it’s just being a functioning adult.

But there is a big difference between the amount of random admin required for a single person and for a family. Doing everything for the whole family, while your partner does nothing basically is quite different from either just worrying about yourself or sharing the family responsibilities between you.

There is a lot more admin, decision-making, juggling of different areas of life, complexity, than there was in the past. Community life has diminished. Children are more closely managed. Also work has seen an intensification in recent decades. It's not surprising that many women feel an increased mental load.

It’s not about tasks.

It’s about one person carrying the mental responsibility for everyone and everything in the family. And the other person (usually the male partner) carrying no mental responsibility at all, or a large imbalance.