To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

But some things (like how to wash towels) are just personal preference. Whether the towels are soft is really not important in the grand scheme of things

Food is different and yes, children need to eat appropriate things, but there are still lots of different, appropriate ways to feed children. What the mum decides isn't necessarily best, or the only way of doing it. But when you read threads on here, it's like people think their partners are total idiots who can't be trusted to do anything on their own.

Makes me wonder why they married them, tbh.

why wouldent they ? its no different than any other thread.

This topic has been covered loads of times - did you search for other threads before you posted?

Why do you feel the need to be negative about women on Mothers' Day? I am sure there are plenty of other interesting topics you could have started today.

I agree with you OP

I'm presuming it's this kind of bullshit that op is referring to...

Turning a weekly trip to Tesco into the equivalent of planning d-day

It’s not the child’s fault no.

it is society’s fault though for allowing men to perpetuate this bullshit.

Starting with women who ‘blame’ women for not just shutting up and getting on with it with a smile plastered on their faces.

As a single parent I don’t refer to household tasks as the mental load. I just get on with it. But when I was in a relationship it was the mental load because I did everything. And it was exhausting. Every space in my head was taken up with ‘responsibilities’ that weren’t all mine. When a grown adult asks you where their pants are they’re not pulling their weight and are contributing to your mental load. There’s a difference between managing a household and managing the people in the household. I don’t want to be the person who has to know where the pants are.

Talk about making a bloody mountain out of a molehill.

You can just do your shop online and save yourself 90% of that drama.

It doesn't seem to be part of adult life for men, or more specifically, Dads. The point of it is it's not household tasks only, it's not just cleaning and laundry for yourself, it's the fact that for a lot of women they are doing not only for themselves but for the children too.
Blokes are often only sorting stuff for themselves, their own doctors appointments etc. Women are often trying to manage everything for the whole family, organising and running kids parties, sorting school letters, making sure the kids have everything they need for school camp, finding a booking a tutor when junior is struggling in maths, sorting out the schedule when the kids go up a group in swimming and now the new swimming slot clashes with some other activity. I could go on its endless

Very over generalised. Yes schools DO blame the neglectful parent and assist in preventing the child from being with the neglectful parent. Usually the sperm donor.

If your child's father isn't contributing financially and you do everything, how are you trapped? Get rid of useless.

You can have an opinion, but it will be clear to most of us mothers that you hold that opinion because you don’t have children.

The mental load is very real. Women are now often expected to work full time, and also manage a household just like we used to before women routinely worked outside of the home.

I just wonder why so many people tolerate it.

You see threads where women have multiple children with men who have never stepped up - and I just wonder, why? What is it that compels them to keep having children with men who do jack shit?

The injustice is not in the tasks themselves it is in the unfair distribution between two grown adults in a household. Not that difficult to understand OP

I mean, I'm talking about ensuring our children wouldn't choke - that's not just "me deciding", it's fairly obviously better 🤣

As well as working full time and looking after the kids. Are you for real. Do you never get overwhelmed with life.

There are plenty of MNs who were raised by working single mums. This isn't new.

Just divide everything up between both parents- it’s just a part of family life deciding if DH takes the DC’s to buy new shoes and a hair cut on the way home, I’ll wait in for the electrician coming to fit the new shower and whilst I wait I’ll sort out the old paint in the garage for taking to the tip.

Having been around for a while I can see how mental load affects people very differently. If any of us had a list of tasks some can prioritise quickly, combine, start multiple tasks at once. It’s a combination of brain wiring, example and attitude. Attitude can be changed but brain wiring can’t.

My MIL is awful at getting stuff done, very incapable, she has praised me for being very capable. She did say once no one looked out for you as a child so you had to be capable and that is true. My Mother was widowed when I was 13 and had a breakdown. I ended up running the entire house while after a short period of sick leave she gave everything she had to her very stressful job in charge of about 30 members of staff. I passed my O levels whilst shopping, cleaning and raising my 9 year old stepsister while she worked excruciating split shifts. My Mother had nothing to give in her grief. I remember getting her out of being taken to court when she forgot to pay her poll tax, they were jailing people at that point. she had genuinely forgotten to pay as depressed. I was 15 years old when I rang the poll tax officer who was threatening court.

To add DH does stuff it did take some effort on my part when we got together. I laughed in his face when he thought I would do birthdays and Christmas cards for his family.

The question that you seem to be asking is

‘why does the bulk of the family responsibility usually fall to women?’

This would require some deeper thinking about society and gender roles. What are your deeper thoughts on this @ByNimbleCrow ? why have so many women fallen into the role of ‘family manager’? What is it about society that means this happens so often? What about previous generations, how have they contributed to this phenomenon?

I’m not trying to be negative about women on Mother’s Day. This is just a conversation about a topic I find interesting. If it’s been covered before, that’s okay, these conversations can evolve.

The difficulty is understanding why so many women allow it. Clearly they do or this wouldn't be a thing.

Don’t fucking do it then. Don’t let it get that way.

Right from the start make sure it’s equal or don’t make a commitment to them. I’ve never been in charge of everything.

I’ve worked over the years, but I’ve mainly been a SAHP while dh worked but still, he’s done things too. He cooks, he cleans when he sees a mess that needs cleaning or washing that needs putting in, he does the shopping as he’s the main cook. He knows what the children are doing, appointments, school things, homework, he’s capable of booking appointments for them too.

He’s a grown adult. But still I get the “oooo, isn’t he good!” Comments. Why is it good that an adult can manage to act like an adult and a parent to their own children?

As others have said it's not a thing if you are in a partnership where all the domestic and life admin is equally split. It's also not a thing I have noticed if you are the one who benefits from your partner taking on additional mental load! There is an element of some of us doing this to ourselves either by expecting certain high standards our partners don't appear to share or by taking it on unquestioningly at the start of our relationships because we thought it was just what women do. It probably wasn't discussed much in the past because we didn't have the vocabulary for it so on the whole it's a good thing it's called out. If you haven't watched Bridget Christie 's excellent The Change on channel 4 I heartily recommend it as very entertaining on the subject of unseen 'woman' work and mental load.

True. But they weren’t also managing another adult who isn’t pulling their weight.

None of this is a competition about who has had it worse or worked the hardest, it’s just a conversation about the imbalance between adult men and women. Especially when children are involved.

Let’s build each other up, rather than competing with one another.

Yeah and like I said, as soon as something gets a trendy name everyone seems to suffer from it or with it.

Probably caused by the rise of the internet.

Before that, trends didn't spread as fast.