To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

surely you should have picked better?

OK, and? Do you have a time machine? Should women who should have picked better tell their DC that tough luck you haven't seen a dentist for years - see, I didn't pick your dad well?

I'll answer honestly. I just didn't expect to find all these responsibilities so hard. I was fine when it was just me. But with DC, a house, a job, everything that needs doing... I find myself trapped in my life. Every second is a chore composed of another job or event that I need to remember and sort out. And for what? What is the point of it all. I wish I could walk off into the the wilderness.

@CraneBeak I get it. As well as my ft job I have 5 different things to try and achieve today; receiving an appliance delivery, dropping off a car at a garage and getting another one, chasing two different medical issues and preparing for a one off job I'm doing next week in addition to my usual one. I don't WFH so all this is happening in and around my usual job. On top of that my teens need x,y,z that they can't do themselves. It's a lot for anyone. I've let both pet and car insurance auto renew which is probably not the cheapest but I don't have headspace to sit and compare new quotes. Mine and my kids phones and broadband are all with one supplier..again, I'm sure there are better deals but to change them they'll be a whole mess of renewals and logins and sorting the login on all the WiFi devices. And on and on ...

It's interesting you seem to have quite a black and white view of it.

It wasn't a choice. At first we shared, but there was a huge shift following children. From reading previous posts I think there are other women who find themselves in the same sort of 'trap' as I do.

I now have a choice, we split and I lose my children half the time and struggle to afford a place of my own, or I stay and put up with it. There's no martyrdom as someone else suggested, it's just my reality. And at the moment, this reality is better than a more uncertain and less secure reality.

The mental load is absolutely a part of adulting, but if you're disproportionately responsible for it then it does come very difficult, whether you think that's my fault for being in my situation or not 🙂

Even when fathers do their fair share with the mental load, teachers and doctors and the dc's friends' parents and people who organize the kids' activities will usually assume its the woman who knows about and organizes everything relating to the dc, and try to communicate with them first. Family members will assume the woman is responsible for the state of the house and the quality of the hosting at Christmas or whatever (and judge if it's not up to scratch). The mental load is hard to escape, for women, or at least for ones with kids.

Yes, agree...
But why is it that the other adult feels they don't need to help out.

Why does it come so easy to them to do nothing until they're nagged at.

Have they spent so much of their lives before adulthood doing everything for everyone else and feel it's their turn to opt out...
Or... the reverse
They've never had to do anything pre adult to help out so why start now.

I think many people are quite lazy and happy to have someone else pulling the weight. I mean, if I knew my homelife would be organised, fridge magically filled, house clean, kids' school stuff taken care of etc - whether I put any effort in or not, maybe I would also sit on the sofa and say that yeah yeah if you are now close to breakdown yes sure I can help, just give me a list..
(well probably not because I'm a decent human being, but guess many will see what they can get away with)

Realising that the lounge paint is looking a bit faded so mentioning to your DH that it might be time to redecorate.

This is an absurd example of "mental load". It doesn't matter in the slightest if the lounge paint is looking a bit faded.

Though that example did remind me of an old MN thread where one poster claimed that remembering to plump the cushions was "mental load". I have never thought about plumping a cushion! Everyone seems to still be alive.

To pick one thing from the very long list I gave is deeply disingenuous.

And I agree, pretty decor doesn’t particularly matter. My house has been mid-renovation for two years 😂🤷‍♀️

But the point that you missed is that mental load is about thinking about wider issues. It paint starts to crack, fade, wallpaper peels etc, it’s a good idea to redecorate to keep your home in good nick.

Noticing that things are looking a bit shabby, taking a look at paints/wallpaper and suggesting redecoration is part of making sure you’ve always got your eye on the ball and aren’t just waiting for someone else to tell you what needs doing.

Taken on its own and out of context without considering everything else, I agree it’s petty and ridiculous. But context matters. The full picture matters. But you know that, hence why you quoted that one sentence in isolation.

I suspect this is actually really common.

There's another thread running at the moment about Chappel Roan not wanting children because all the parents she sees just look miserable - and I wonder how much of it is because people don't really think about the realities of parenting and being entirely responsible for another human for 2+ decades.

One of the reasons I'm childfree is because I know I wouldn't be able to handle all that responsibility.

One of the reasons I'm childfree is because I know I wouldn't be able to handle all that responsibility.

I not only applaud your forethought but also whole heartedly agree with you here.

How many people would never take on a pet due to the responsibilities that come with it but think nothing of having children....

They'll always be a but....but....but..

I just crack on with my adult responsibilities and share them with my children when appropriate.

There it is right there, teaching DC, of any age female or male, to share the load where and when appropriate, teaching how to be a responsible caring person starts when DC are old enough to cope with age appropriate responsibilities.

Thanks @Shatteredallthetimelately - and I agree with what you're saying about pets. We have four and while they're a big responsibility, they can also be left home alone, don't talk at me incessantly or wake me up ten times a night. They also don't need taking to activities, driving to school or have clothes that need washing and changing everyday

Our family and friends know that DH is a perfectly capable adult and parent and they don’t assume I have done everything. DH was the contact person for nursery and school as he worked more locally. He added details to the shared family online calendar so I was aware of the dates for parents evening, sports day etc.

You're definitely a man trolling this site 😅
Most women are more than happy to look after every aspect of their lives themselves - it becomes a problem when her partner and or children do not pull their weight. Put most men in the same situation and they'd probably implode.

Most of the things in that list aren't strictly necessary. We made it through school without taking brownies in on our birthdays, etc. etc.

I could handle the responsibilities, but I didn't want to. My time on earth is too short and precious to be scraping shit out of diapers and spending a fortune on childcare fees, sport and other stuff that holds no interest whatsoever.

ODFOD

Well you shouldn’t have to beg, that’s the thing. I’m sure there are plenty of lazy men who will just ignore every request and then complain you’re nagging but it’s the laziness that is the issue. It wouldn’t be so tiresome if they just got on with it.

(Relying to @PeonyBlushSuede )