To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

Sometimes it is a unique burden for a woman when her male partner does none of it. That's the issue, the sexism of it. It's not that some of the tasks are minor, it's the injustice of the women carrying all of that work and the men not even being aware of it.

I think it's the increasingly low status of caring, even for your own children, that has the effect of engineering a cognitive dissonance that is burdensome.

On the one hand, you have the instinctive draw that it is vitally important to do a good job of things and, on the other, it is supposed to be so effortless and easy that it sits conveniently in the background and let's you get on with 'more important things'.

Have you name changed/created an account just to come and wind the mummies up on mothers day?

Have you really not got anything better to do today?

Misogyny first thing on Mother’s Day.

Yawn

I get what you’re saying - there are definitely cases where one partner unfairly dumps responsibilities on the other. But isn’t that more of a relationship dynamic issue rather than some inherent gendered struggle? If someone refuses to pull their weight, isn’t the real issue setting boundaries and expectations rather than labelling it as a ‘mental load?’ Also, no, I don’t have kids but does that automatically mean I can’t have an opinion on this?

That would be fine if there was a genuine division of labour. But when posters complain about 'mental load', it's usually because they're expected to do it all (or it doesn't get done) AND work full time AND provide the majority of childcare. Meanwhile, their significant other does feck all but huffs and puffs when he's asked to so much as take the bins out..

Sure, mental load for just yourself is fine.

But for example, when we went on holiday, I didn't just do my packing. I did my packing, and the kids packing. I made sure that we had sunblock and arm-bands and seasickness pills. I booked the holiday, the flights, the hire car, made sure I had my license (more than once we arrived and I then had to do all the driving because, despite reminding, he hadn't brought his), the passports (and they were in date), had it all timetabled, prepped the kids so they had hand luggage with what they needed plus emergency stuff etc.

He packed his toothbrush and some clothes (which, I had generally been the one to make sure were washed in time).

And that was just for a week away. Scale that up to everything every day. Every school requirement, every birthday, every tax return, car insurance, meal.

That's the mental load that I had, and he, being a lazy, self-absorbed git, didn't.

He used to say about this stuff "it'll sort itself out" - because from his point of view it did, but of course, "it" didn't sort itself out. I sorted it out.

I totally agree with you, but you'll get absolutely slaughtered on here.

But then again, I read lots of threads on here full of apparently "essential" tasks that I've never done in my entire life, lol. I'm sure some people just create work for themselves just so they can complain about it.

Because usually women are expected to be responsible for all of this. When they are highly likely to also be working full time and have childcare responsibilities.

”Mental load” may be manageable if it’s the only thing you do. But it rarely is.

Nerver heard of it until i came to MN.
I dont hear it either in day to day life people i know get on with things.

I agree. I struggle to understand why it's so difficult to pay bills, book appointments, plan meals and buy shopping. Adult responsibilities require these things. One day a week sorts the weekly stuff, direct debits and standing orders sorts financial stuff.

Single parents don't have someone to share the responsibilities so why is it always blamed on men.

If you're expected to be responsible for everything, that's an issue with your relationship, surely?

But isn’t that more of a relationship dynamic issue rather than some inherent gendered struggle?

If it turns out that one sex somehow seems to end up doing some particular thing, when really, it's task any adult should be doing, that makes it an inherently gendered struggle.

Single parents don't have someone to share the responsibilities so why is it always blamed on men.

Because most single parents are women? (yes, that is a logical impossibility, but, of course it's still the reality)

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I've read so many threads on here where women insist things have to be done a certain way, and so they do it all themselves rather than allow their husbands to do it.

I think some people just like to be in control.

You can have an opinion but what a strange thing to do to come onto a parenting forum of mainly mums, on Mother’s Day and say such a thing.

Mental load is definitely a thing, in every area of life. Everything has a mental load. Managing work, managing household, managing health, managing friends etc. And yes, it's completely normal (well, in as much as modern life is "normal" for us anyway... Which it isn't, the way we have lived has changed faster than we can evolve to adapt!).

The thing is though, the people who are complaining about it are people who have taken the mental load from others who are not pulling their weight. Gender or not. Could be an adult child unfairly taken on mental load for a parent, or a friend, doesn't necessarily mean a partner.

Mental load can be stressful, even more so when someone is leaving all of their share to you.

I think adult life, parenting in particular, is much more difficult now than it was and carries a much higher mental load than it did once. Don't get me wrong women had it much tougher in other ways so it balanced out. However most of us can't imagine the easy life of our parents or grandparents telling our kids to go out and play and having the whole day to organise the house and cook dinner without interruption. Parents never looked at homework or organised multiple things on different online platforms, uniforms and clothes were washed once a week. It was much easier for them in terms of mental workload. Many people find this life very difficult. For me the various apps and tech is tricky, for others it's the school gate or match side chats, for others it's the timekeeping. There are many elements that overwhelm people, many of which are issues in modern life.

Exactly! It’s frustrating how often men are treated like incompetent children when, in reality, plenty of them are perfectly capable of managing responsibilities. If they aren’t pulling their weight, that’s on them as individuals, not because of some inherent male trait. Isn’t constantly micromanaging them just reinforcing the idea that they can’t do it?

You are correct.

Frequently they are still performing all of responsibilities even when the father insists on ‘50/50 co-parenting’ which generally involves him doing yhd utter minimal needed whilst bettering to avoid putting his hands in his pockets.

Why are so many women happy to allow men to be such useless millstones?

You've left him now right?

You didn't have to do anything for him. He would have had to take responsibility if you didn't.

A single mum would have had to do all of that for herself and children, because they are children.

As soon as something normal gets a trendy name, everyone suffers with it or from it.

Mental load = Normal life (which with online accounts has never been easier).

See also 'food noise'. No-one simply gets cravings anymore.

And 'anxiety' means no-one simply gets anxious anymore.

Mental load can be stressful, even more so when someone is leaving all of their share to you.

If someone is continually leaving their share for you, why are you with them?

@faerietales

If you're expected to be responsible for everything, that's an issue with your relationship, surely?

It is a problem with your relationship yes. But when a large number of people have the same problem with their relationships it stops being an individual problem and becomes a societal one.

Are you a bloke OP?
The mental load is a burden because women are expected to have full time paid work and also do the work of a full time stay at home house wife. It is exhausting and ruins mental and physical health.

Meanwhile men do their job at work and contribute nothing else.

If you're unsure op, check the hundreds of mumsnet posts on this subject.