Page 3 | To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

BlinkFifteen · 30/03/2025 11:25

@ByNimbleCrow I meant when you have children and then you have all the school stuff and remembering world book day and a £1 for this today or bring in baked cakes, the field trip, assembly etc it all adds to it. Plus juggling childcare for the 13 weeks school holidays every year.

Yes, ultimately it is about relationship dynamics. Dh was raised by a man who did fuck all in the house and his Mum did everything, originally a sahm then worked when the children were in secondary. His Dad never stepped up but he was widowed 10 years ago so now has to do it all.

I have seen a few friends with equal partners but most women I know have lazy arse partners but stay in the relationship for a million reasons mainly that they want to see their children every day so the bloke knows she won't leave and just offloads everything onto her.

So mental load is not just one person but one person being responsible for pretty much everything.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 11:25

Yes, it's a normal part of being an adult.

The point is, in many families, it falls on women and not both partners equally.

You only have to look at the responses on that "he didn't go to Tesco" thread a couple of weeks ago. Men being incompetent is sweet and endearing. The woman should have made sure her house was in order before she fell ill.

Original poster

ByNimbleCrow · 30/03/2025 11:25

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 30/03/2025 11:18

Have you name changed/created an account just to come and wind the mummies up on mothers day?

Have you really not got anything better to do today?

I posted because it’s a discussion forum and this is a topic that interests me. If you disagree, feel free to engage with the actual argument rather than making it about me personally.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 30/03/2025 11:26

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 30/03/2025 11:20

I agree. I struggle to understand why it's so difficult to pay bills, book appointments, plan meals and buy shopping. Adult responsibilities require these things. One day a week sorts the weekly stuff, direct debits and standing orders sorts financial stuff.

Single parents don't have someone to share the responsibilities so why is it always blamed on men.

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It's blamed on the men because:

When women are single → they are responsible for daily tasks/mental labour
When men are single → they are responsible for daily tasks/mental labour
When women and men are in a relationship → invariably lion's share of daily tasks/mental labour fall on women

Men are usually capable of caring for themselves when not in a relationship, but for some reason, once they find a wife/partner, oftentimes their brains go to sleep and their hands fall off. That is what causes the resentment.

spicemaiden · 30/03/2025 11:26

ByNimbleCrow · 30/03/2025 11:23

Exactly! It’s frustrating how often men are treated like incompetent children when, in reality, plenty of them are perfectly capable of managing responsibilities. If they aren’t pulling their weight, that’s on them as individuals, not because of some inherent male trait. Isn’t constantly micromanaging them just reinforcing the idea that they can’t do it?

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I don’t micromanage mine….theres no point.

They won’t do it no matter what.

Thats the issue.

Men are still being lazy selfish individuals and then along come other women telling women experiencing this bullshit from men to just get on with it and stop complaining about the ‘mental load🙄

TheStigarette · 30/03/2025 11:26

If you have a child with additional needs so there is additional admin, medical appointments, liaison with school and everything they do you'd probably revise your OP.

faerietales · 30/03/2025 11:27

SquidProCrow · 30/03/2025 11:24

@faerietales

If you're expected to be responsible for everything, that's an issue with your relationship, surely?

It is a problem with your relationship yes. But when a large number of people have the same problem with their relationships it stops being an individual problem and becomes a societal one.

But things will only change if people force it to change - you don't have to stay in a shit relationship just because it's a societal problem, you can leave and make your circumstances better.

BlondiePortz · 30/03/2025 11:27

faerietales · 30/03/2025 11:19

I totally agree with you, but you'll get absolutely slaughtered on here.

But then again, I read lots of threads on here full of apparently "essential" tasks that I've never done in my entire life, lol. I'm sure some people just create work for themselves just so they can complain about it.

More physical than mental but like when we hear 'i hoover 3 times a day, clean the bathrooms twice day, wash the towels daily, scrub the kitchen floor multiple times a day and and i demand my husband does the same'

How much is os essential and how much choice like buying presents for every single person you come into contact with then complaining you have to keep up or signing children up to 7 after school and weekend activities then complain they are tired and won't help out

howchildrenreallylearn · 30/03/2025 11:27

LoopyLooooo · 30/03/2025 11:24

As soon as something normal gets a trendy name, everyone suffers with it or from it.

Mental load = Normal life (which with online accounts has never been easier).

See also 'food noise'. No-one simply gets cravings anymore.

And 'anxiety' means no-one simply gets anxious anymore.

You do know that language evolves as time passes. It’s completely normal that concepts and ideas get names as society evolves and changes with time?

BellissimoGecko · 30/03/2025 11:27

TheCurious0range · 30/03/2025 10:56

It's only a burden when you are expected to do all of it for the family without the other adult pulling their weight

This.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 30/03/2025 11:28

spicemaiden · 30/03/2025 11:24

You are correct.

Frequently they are still performing all of responsibilities even when the father insists on ‘50/50 co-parenting’ which generally involves him doing yhd utter minimal needed whilst bettering to avoid putting his hands in his pockets.

Why are so many women happy to allow men to be such useless millstones?

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Precisely. Don't want responsibility of children, don't have children. Don't want to facilitate everything for another adult, don't have a useless one living with you and don't do it for the one you got rid of either.

Bluebell865 · 30/03/2025 11:29

Well, for some it's at lot esp if there is no help and multiple things are going on. I am hugely struggling with that and I work, I have 2 DC with complex needs, I need to make arrangements for weekly respite with the eldest, multiple appointments for a very unwell DC2 every week. I just finished the Pip application for DC1, did the DLA renewal for DC2. EHCp review for DC1, did a parental request for an EHCP for DC2 which the LA are stalling and I am preparing a tribunal case. I also work 5 days a week, run a house hold, have responsibility at work. I find it a lot but thanks for pointing out that I am just moaning about being an adult. you sound fantastic that you wouldn't struggle with work, caring 80-90 h per week and all the EHCP/PIP crap on top!

takealettermsjones · 30/03/2025 11:30

faerietales · 30/03/2025 11:22

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I've read so many threads on here where women insist things have to be done a certain way, and so they do it all themselves rather than allow their husbands to do it.

I think some people just like to be in control.

Maybe so, but figuring out how things should be done is part of the mental load. For example, the towels are always softer when I've washed and dried them than when my husband has, because I've bothered to find out how. He still does it, but were I more bothered (or had a child with sensory issues), I might insist on doing it. Another example is weaning; I took care of making most of the baby food when our kids were small, because I had researched all the information about size, shape, texture etc and I knew how to make it safe. It's not necessarily about control, it's about what's best for the family.

faerietales · 30/03/2025 11:30

BlondiePortz · 30/03/2025 11:27

More physical than mental but like when we hear 'i hoover 3 times a day, clean the bathrooms twice day, wash the towels daily, scrub the kitchen floor multiple times a day and and i demand my husband does the same'

How much is os essential and how much choice like buying presents for every single person you come into contact with then complaining you have to keep up or signing children up to 7 after school and weekend activities then complain they are tired and won't help out

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It's absolutely bonkers to me what people sign themselves up for, lol. It's like all the threads from people who claim they have to buy their husbands' grandparents' birthday presents, or attend all the school PTA meetings, or give their kids clean pajamas every day.

Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 11:31

If both are working full.time and a disproportionate number of these tasks fall on one person, then it's an issue.

If one person works full time and the other doesn't then the one not working full time should do pretty much all these tasks.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 30/03/2025 11:31

ByNimbleCrow · 30/03/2025 10:55

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

Usually because their partners are useless twats who do fuck all.

CherryBlossom321 · 30/03/2025 11:31

ByNimbleCrow · 30/03/2025 11:25

I posted because it’s a discussion forum and this is a topic that interests me. If you disagree, feel free to engage with the actual argument rather than making it about me personally.

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“Argument”. At least you’re honest about your motive. It’s great for you that you don’t experience it 🙂

SquidProCrow · 30/03/2025 11:31

faerietales · 30/03/2025 11:27

But things will only change if people force it to change - you don't have to stay in a shit relationship just because it's a societal problem, you can leave and make your circumstances better.

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Of course. We are not disagreeing with one another. I am not saying people need to remain in unequal relationships.

JHound · 30/03/2025 11:32

People are responding to this seriously?

Fascinating.

BlondiePortz · 30/03/2025 11:32

takealettermsjones · 30/03/2025 11:30

Maybe so, but figuring out how things should be done is part of the mental load. For example, the towels are always softer when I've washed and dried them than when my husband has, because I've bothered to find out how. He still does it, but were I more bothered (or had a child with sensory issues), I might insist on doing it. Another example is weaning; I took care of making most of the baby food when our kids were small, because I had researched all the information about size, shape, texture etc and I knew how to make it safe. It's not necessarily about control, it's about what's best for the family.

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What's best that you have decided that is, it is about control

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 30/03/2025 11:32

TheStigarette · 30/03/2025 11:26

If you have a child with additional needs so there is additional admin, medical appointments, liaison with school and everything they do you'd probably revise your OP.

Why?

Not the child's fault. You have a child, you have the responsibilities that come with that child.

spicemaiden · 30/03/2025 11:33

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 30/03/2025 11:28

Precisely. Don't want responsibility of children, don't have children. Don't want to facilitate everything for another adult, don't have a useless one living with you and don't do it for the one you got rid of either.

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Try that when you’re either a) trapped or b) there are consequences gif your child’s well-being if you don’t do it.

if ONLY it were as easy as simply refusing.

My child’s father just ignores - should I just neglect child’s medical needs? Should I send them to school with no school uniform? Should they miss out on activities because he won’t pay his half?

And ask yourself - when a school noticed a child is being neglected and they live 50/50 in two homes..which parent do you think is blamed for not doing 100% of it all?

I’ll give you a hint: it’s not the sperm doner.

JudgeJ · 30/03/2025 11:33

MugsyBalonz · 30/03/2025 11:15

Mental load for a lot of women is a unique burden though and it is more than just normal adult life. It's organising, managing, and balancing several conflicting schedules as well as ensuring that all of the necessary resources are available. It is a burden that disproportionately falls to women and can cause enormous stress.

As an example, a trip to the supermarket. Mental load is things like

thinking about what's already in the cupboards
considering what's planned for that week outside of meals (e.g., can't do a roast on Tuesday as the kids need to be ferried to activities so there's not enough time)
remembering everyone's preferences and dietary requirements
doing a meal plan
writing a shopping list
navigating the shop
if you have small children, keeping them safe, quiet and contained while you do it (heaven forbid your child make a noise in a shop)
re-planning in your head to swap the meal plan around based on BBE dates
making a mental note to come back for our of stock items or else mentally reconfiguring the meal plan to account for substitutions (plus working out what those substitutions are)
keeping to a budget, remembering roughly what's in the bank
keeping track of schedules, e.g., Little Johnny has food tech tomorrow and needs you to pick up ingredients

It goes beyond just being an adult as you're trying to juggle the mental and emotional work of/for multiple people, often with minimal input from those people. It is a constant expectation of perpetual anticipation, planning, and execution which is why it can be so overwhelming.

Gosh, I'm surprised the SAS don't have courses for all that work!2

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 30/03/2025 11:34

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 30/03/2025 11:31

Usually because their partners are useless twats who do fuck all.

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Leave the useless twat.

ThDanielDay · 30/03/2025 11:34

It is a thing but it's almost a trope as to how MN posters display the inequality between them and their partner by turning listing their jobs as having a thousand moving parts where as the men's are described in a manner meant to absolutely minimize the man's contribution.