To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

Was it not clear how useless some of these men were before you married and had kids? I can’t imagine it just came out of nowhere. If you don’t want the horrific stress of remembering your mils birthday or all the mufti days then surely you should have picked better?

Stop judging other people when you have no idea what their life is like 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am not saying all men and women think the same but how many women only want children so they dont have to work

Literally what 😂

But there are some jobs around the house that are routine or obviously need doing. I don’t always want to have to ask (beg!) for it to be done.

Every week the house will need cleaning, if the washing basket is over flowing the stuff needs to be washed. The classic of if there’s stuff on the stairs - take it up!

Yet many (not all) men will not do these routine tasks unless asked to by their partners

As had been explained many many times, a lot of this simply does not become apparent until kids are here, at which point, providing a stable home with two present parents feels more important than the frustration of doing a lot of what should be the other adult's task. There's a lot of criticism in here for posters being too quick to say "LTB" but now we're also wrong for staying with them, marrying them without a crystal ball and complaining about being used as the family PA. At any point are the men who fail to make the transition to what parenthood means going to get any blame?

there's been a lot of angst about the role of fathers in boys' lives especially, "lads need dads" which I agree with actually, but women should damage that over birthday cards and laundry? As a pp said, when it's mum doing the school run it is her who will be judged and more importantly dealing with the child if they don't have the costume, cash for the bake sake, a brilliant model of a castle, etc. Men who waltz out of the door at 7.30 just don't see this. I get that working and financially providing is crucial but so many women do both. Those that don't because they are the on call parent for sick days, inset days, holidays etc very easily become seen as entirely responsible for ALL domesticity, even stuff the man would have had to do if a single children adult. That is where is it massively unfair.

I’m sure they’re aware they should have picked better, but now they’ve obviously already picked and had children with someone who is lacking in many areas what do you expect they do? Do you have Bernard’s watch for them to undo it?

“You should have picked better” is a probably one of the most callous comments you could direct at someone.

Sounds like you need an empathy bypass.

it’s part of life but one that frequently appears to be ignored by one partner in a relationship; usually the male in heterosexual relationships.

It’s cultural. Modelled on childhood experiences and relationships.

Mental load is so much more than just remembering your MIL’s birthday.

It’s about having a background screensaver that’s running all of the time.

Out shopping? It’s thinking about picking up some Calpol because you noticed there’s not much left in the bottle.

Child has a health condition? Noticing that the referral hasn’t come through yet and chasing it up.

Realising that you haven’t seen a letter coming home about World Book Day so checking whether you’re supposed to be creating some costume.

Magicking up said costume.

Noticing that your child’s trousers are starting to look on the short side and getting some of the next size up - or probably, having already stocked up on the next size and getting g it out of storage.

Realising that the lounge paint is looking a bit faded so mentioning to your DH that it might be time to redecorate.

Thinking that your 5yr old might like to take some sweets/treats/cakes into their class on their birthday (because everyone else has done it in their class).

Checking whether anyone in the class has allergies/needs different treats.

And so on.

It’s about doing more than a list of regular chores. It’s about having a constant awareness of what needs to be done, beyond the easy, regular tasks eg/laundry, cleaning, cooking.

Some men are equal partners. Some men think they’re equal partners but don’t see what they don’t see. Some men have a lifetime of women doing the mental load and seem unable to break out of the mould.

The way society frames tasks for men and women is different too:

It’s about doing the washing up and cooking being household chores for women but “helping out at home” for men.

About looking after your child while your DH has an evening out being “parenting” but reverse the roles and it’s “babysitting” for your DH.

And let’s not even get into the different judgements and expectations for the two sexes.

Of course all of this is a massive stereotype and there will be exceptions and different degrees to which it applies.

The mental load is about knowing the buck stops with you - whether that’s a trivial task like remembering to pick up milk or putting in a repeat prescription for your child on time, or something more significant.

Having to make sure you don’t drop any of the balls because there’s no one behind you picking them up is knackering.

Sometimes that’s due to a shitty partner but often, there’s a very large influence from unconscious misogyny and structural sexism that influences all parties.

Most people live together before getting married and having children. I’d be shocked if these lazy traits had only become apparent after kids.

Having children massively increases the mental load and also means you're less likely just to leave your partner to fuck up "normal adulting" because it's your kids, not them, who will suffer.

It's amazing how many men are shit at "normal adulting" and no, it's not just an issue specific to unbalanced relationships, it's a societal trend that dumps a whole load of unpaid labour onto women.

Well then be shocked. That's exactly what happens. My ex and I do the same job. Pre kids, he sorted his stuff, I sorted mine. Post kids, during mat leave I inevitably took on the majority of domestic tasks but that never went away when I went back to work..it just seems easier because the contacts for the toddler group, childminder, swimming lessons etc were already in my phone. I had got into a routine of laundry, I had the logins saved on my laptop for x,y,z. Post kids, his (lovely) mum definitely saw and spoke to me more than him. That's still true actually, even though we've been divorced a decade.

It's also a silly comment. Most women "should have picked better". A mindbogglingly small number of men actually pull their weight in relationships.

When you're saying "you should have picked better" to 95% of women, it becomes obvious that the problem is with men not with women's choices.

As it is, women are beginning to be much more picky in relationships and the upshot is a birth rate that is through the floor. Men as a group are beginning to learn that having children is a privilege not a right, and increasingly depends on women getting a fairer deal.

The mental load often includes a lot of 'invisible' tasks that a partner such as my own can quite simply ignore. They hang over me and weigh heavy on my mind, I quite literally feel the stress of them sit on my shoulders. Shared equally they wouldn't be so difficult but I'm held responsible for them because they're a 'mum job'. It's exhausting. As well as the invisible jobs - booking appointments, booking childcare/clubs meal planning, finances etc there are the general household tasks that I do which largely fall under his radar. Washing, putting away clothes, dishwasher, cleaning the filter in the tumble dryer, washing water bottles, lunch boxes, cooking dinner etc.
Even if I'm conservatively spending 2 hours a day on these thoughts and tasks, that's 14 hours of unpaid labour I'm doing more than he is. That's my experience of a mental load.

Lots of men want children. My dh suggested we start ttc years before we did, we waited because I said no I’m not ready.

I'd have lots more kids if I could be their father, not their mother. Besides everything else, many kids are good fun.

I always say I am a mediocre mother, but an amazing father. People would be falling over themselves to praise me for stuff that is taken for granted because I don't have a penis.

Well... I can tell the OP does not have several children, with activities to attend too, several cars to pay tax/ MOT, food shopping and cooking, bills, letters to write and send..... on top of a full time job LOL
Good for you OP.

I do find having to remember things for others, on top of my own remembering, a bit challenging.
My child is old enough to start sorting their own things and it is a bliss!

That a choice, though. You chose a partner who doesn’t share the domestic tasks. Why?

Every man I’ve ever been with has cooked, cleaned, handled laundry, etc. as well as I have, or better. Hell, my dad would be 97 this year if he were still living, and when we were little he did housework, cooked, I can remember him brushing our hair & putting it in ponytails etc.

Why women put up with less is beyond me.

Exactly. What I observe is women who are hellbent to snap up a husband or partner & thus will overlook many flaws, only to play the martyr about it later.

Agreed. DH does all the cooking and grocery shopping, and most of the laundry. He’s as on top of appointments, finances etc as I am. You’ve apparently decided on what ‘mum jobs’ are. Why?

Organising and sorting things for myself and my child is adulting sorting everything for my partner, his families birthdays mother day etc is mental load. As is making sure HIS parking permit is renewed and his MOT is completed etc.

This is absolutely a choice though. I’ve no idea when my MIL’s birthday even is. My partner always managed to remember it before we met so why would that change now we’re together? And if he didn’t remember it when he was single, it’s not my responsibility to make sure he starts. I’ve nothing against her but it’s simply nothing to do with me. If she had the attitude that now we’re together gifts are from us both therefore I should be facilitating them well frankly that’s a her problem, not a me problem.

How many times is a comment like yours aimed at men?
How many times has it happened that men are disappointed that their apparently weight-pulling wife actually just wants to do her own stuff and the childrearing is left to them?

Literally never.

Very true! There's a man in my social circle who takes an equal share in parenting his young children, and so many people talk about how 'amazing' he is as a father - because he does his share of the school runs, takes the older child to the park while his wife has the younger or vice versa

All things that would be completely taken for granted if a mother did them.

Good for him for swimming against the tide (that's where he is 'amazing'), but societally the expectations for men and women are very different.

Your lack of ability to imagine something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Hope this helps.