To think that “mental load” is just another way to moan about normal adult life?

[ByNimbleCrow]

Everyone has responsibilities. Why do women act like keeping track of household tasks is some unique burden?

Erm ok
I don't do it all, I do have a husband who pulls his weight. I was just explaining the term. You will see plenty on here in that position and it's well and good to say don't do it but inevitably there are consequences to that usually which affect children.
Are you quite alright? You seem cross

Because for DECADES it has mostly fallen to women and is completely unrecognised. Read or listen to Eve Rodesky Fair Play.

Right, that's why I said that I'm not bothered enough to not let him do it.

Re. the feeding, it is best to ensure they don't choke. Sorry not sorry? 🤣

Anyway, those were only two minor examples, but my point was that it's not necessarily that the woman wants control of everything - it's often that they do it better, because they've bothered to look it up! But then it's frustrating when it becomes "their job" for that reason.

It isn’t about physical tasks, but mental tasks. Yes we know we’re all capable of splitting things equally physically. In this scenario it’s still often the woman who is deciding that her DH should take the child for a hair cut or new shoes, and reminding him to do that. Rather than him just doing that off his own back.

I’m sure some men will do this without being asked, but a lot don’t. That’s just the reality and it’s something as a society we should be trying to unpick.

I’m not cross, I just swear a lot.

And I was just replying to you comment, that one line. Not you in particular. I don’t pay attention to who has posted so I wouldn’t know what you do. It was just that one line.

My own mental load = fine. I'm single and I don't resent managing my life.

Having to do mental load x2 (or more) because your 'partner' is too lazy/thinks he's too important = not fine.

at the risk of being the 94th person to point this out:

What people are (rightly) complaining about is when one half of the "partnership" is left doing everything and one half of the "partnership" swans through life with nothing to worry about.

I remember staying with friends once, we were going out for Brunch. 2 adult men (fathers) 2 adult women (mothers) and their children ranging from 6 month old baby to 6 year old. One of the men got up got dressed and helped his partner get the children up and ready, and their equipment packed (spare nappies, etc, that goes with going out with small children). They then helped the other woman get their 2 ready. While her "D"H stood by the door swinging his keys making jokes about how quick men are to get ready compared to women.

Until my DH told him to grow the fuck up and take part in parenting (and all the rest)

that kind of thing

It isn't an "inherent male trait" but it is a socialised male trait that needs to be challenged.

Why do you have a problem with that?

I agree, it’s a much deeper issue rooted in societal expectations and gender roles. Historically, women have been assigned the role of caretaker and manager of the household, and these expectations are often perpetuated across generations. Even in modern times, there seems to be a tendency for women to take on the majority of the family responsibility, perhaps due to both cultural norms and a lack of awareness of the imbalance. It’s interesting to think about how previous generations shaped this dynamic and how it continues to affect women today.

You'll get what you want from this thread, it's an popular subject and loads of people will agree with you and use it a chance to take other women down for not making the good choices that they made.

What would be nicer would be to start a thread on how mental load seems to be a problem, how can we bring people together over this and help everyone going forward? Maybe if both sides understood each other more, then people would not have to deal with it so much.

You're confusing fact and opinion.

You might have done research and concluded that X is better, but another parent could have done the same research and concluded Y is better. Pretty much all parenting is down to a mixture of research, opinion and winging it - you feel you're "better" because you've researched it, but millions of parents will never have researched what you do, and will have managed fine.

I still think a lot of it is down to control - it's the same when grandparents do childcare and put the TV on, or feed chocolate buttons or sweets. Just because someone wants to do something differently, doesn't make them wrong.

I think the mental load is more than household tasks. It refer to the project manager role a lot of women find themselves in. My DH does half the housework, cooking and laundry. He also does anything else I ask him. My parents think he is amazing. But actually I am there beavering away in the background keeping the whole show on the road - which child’s needs a PE kit, who has a doctors appointment, where is the soccer match, who got the passports, planned the holiday.,.. all me. That is the mental load. And then I delegate specifics off to DH but he doesn’t actually walk around with all this stuff in his head all the time.

It’s a fact that being an adult carries a ‘mental load’ of responsibility, organisation and dedication. It is not something to feel irritated by. Yes part of it is adult life, another part is having young children.

So give yourself that answer in response to your original post.

This is SO an AI response 😂

No. It is a fact that uncut grapes are a choking hazard. It is also a fact that hard foods are more of a choking risk to babies than soft foods. It is also a fact that the oesophagus of a baby is X size and so a piece of food cut to Y size will reduce the choking risk. And so on, and so on.

DH is an adult and a parent and capable of noticing that new shoes are needed and taking them to be measured and bought. I don’t need to prompt or organise.

If he wants to cook a particular meal and we don’t have one of the ingredients, he will add it to the online shopping list. All men/fathers are equally capable.

100%. ^ 😆

I don’t have a problem with the idea that socialisation plays a role in shaping behaviours but I do think we need to be careful about generalising. Not every man fits into that mould and many men are fully capable of sharing responsibilities equally. It’s important to challenge harmful socialised behaviours, but at the same time, we shouldn’t assume that all men need to be ‘fixed.’ It’s about balance - acknowledging where things are unbalanced while also recognising that individuals vary.

I'm not disputing any of that.

I'm more talking about parents who insist on their children eating X over Y because it's their preference, rather than because there are any actual dangers involved, and then turn it into a big drama.

And honestly, if you can't trust your husband to cut up grapes or feed your child appropriate, safe foods, then you have much bigger problems than the "mental load".

Either this is an AI windup or the poster is using ChatGTP or Gemini to write their responses.

I suggest all Mums step away now and enjoy Mother’s Day 🥀 Let’s not engage x

i have never heard a single person complaining about the ‘mental load’.

I have only ever heard it used exclusively to refer to working women who default do all the organisation of household/ kids and ( often) husband without any recognition, let alone appreciation, that this is even a task they are doing.

I agree, as I said in my post. Ofcourse men are capable, and some men absolutely do do all of those things without being asked, but the reality is a lot don’t.

Just because your DH does, doesn’t mean everyone else’s does too.

Why can’t your DH remember about appointments, sports kit and matches? I assume he has a job where he needs to remember dates, times etc. Are you taking control and assuming he can’t remember?

I don’t think YABU - in fact my friend always talks about ‘life admin’. Surely that is just life as an adult. She is child free and single, doesn’t care for a relative or anything but according to her she is always busy with ‘life admin’. What does that even mean?!