To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

I think sometimes when money hasn’t been “earned” it doesn’t hold the same value somehow. A kindly uncle gave me £2k and I was definitely a bit more frivolous than I would be with my own hard earned cash.

Id say you are willing to pay a bill or for a weekly delivered shop type stuff rather than cash to be frittered. Has she always been this way or are you also worried about reducing capacity?

If you pay her bills direct or buy her groceries or her preferred "needs", you are, after all, giving her the capacity to go on loaning to friends or buying expesive take-aways, etc ...

This is rock and hard place stuff. Make sure you and you husband are on the same page. Relationship disaster potential lurks on more than one front here.

I think if the amount you give is manageable for you just stick at that amount and tell her you simply cannot afford more, and stick to that.

Tell DH that you do give her enough to enable her to house and feed herself so decisions for her to spend otherwise are her own choice and not for you to pick up the tab for.

Ask him if he would agree to be giving money direct to the borrowing friend out of your salary / your kids savings each month. The answer will be NO , so there’s your answer to giving his Mum more money. If you keep drip paying she will keep drip spend… and spend.

Does she claim everything she could? Pension Credit and the knock on benefits?

I think you need to have a think about what you want the living standards of your MIL to be. Are you suggesting that she's not allowed take aways or to buy an unapproved kitchen gadget while receiving your support? Are you prepared to set out terms like that? Because I think it's awful. She's a grown woman and you can choose to support or not, but don't expect to tell her what she can buy with the money in her pocket.

Suggest to DH that you pay a particular bill instead. I understand why you’re annoyed at this but if you give her cash, she’ll use it as she wants.

I agree with this actually. She’s not a child and if you are giving her money, you have to do so with no strings. She isn’t a child and you cannot dictate what she spends it on. I can understand your irritation about her lending money in some ways, but do you really begrudge her something nice in her life? Why can’t she have a take away or buy something that she thinks might be useful in the kitchen? Either give her the money either way good grace ir don’t do it at all. Would you feel different if it was your parent who was struggling?

I know quite a few people who do a regular grocery shop for their parent. Could you do that? That way you're supporting her with the essentials ie food and then whatever she does with her own money is up to her.

Yeah, I think you’re right when it’s not money you’ve worked for, it’s easier to just spend without thinking. I probably would’ve done the same at 2k tbh!

I like the idea of paying bills directly or doing a food shop instead. That way she’s still getting help, but it’s going where it actually needs to go. Just not sure how to broach it without it sounding like we don’t trust her, even though… well, we don’t, really.

She’s always been a bit like this loves a treat, not great at budgeting but it does seem worse lately. She just doesn’t seem to think long term at all, which makes me wonder if there’s something more going on. DH doesn’t want to upset her, but I don’t want to just keep throwing money into a black hole either. Ugh.

What about paying for the 'treats'? So she pays her own way and then you buy the extra bits. And do it via some sort of 'behind the till' method or gift card. That way if she wants to lend anyone it will come out of her own money.

Is the money given leaving you short, preventing money being put aside for kids or your own treats/savings? If it is thenen I think you should be firm with your DH. Reduce the amount given, offer to go through her budget etcetc

I think if I’m giving cash it is exactly that - giving for her to spend as she likes to make her life feel a bit better - even if that means treating her friend to lunch or whatever- however I think it would honestly depend on the amount I was giving and whether it felt like a struggle to give it

You can’t force someone to treat money a certain way. Either be generous and top up her income because it’s too low, and accept that she’ll spend as she likes, or stop.

I’d think about why you give her the money - is it because you worry about her being cold? Then pay her utility bill. If you worry about her not eating proper food, then arrange for a shopping delivery and pay for that.

Some people are bad with money and she won’t be able to change at her age. I’d be annoyed in your position too.

It’s also ok not to give her money. But don’t say it’s due to her bad decisions - just that things are too tight.

Well you could do a bit of a white lie and say that you've got a deal on Ocado or something whereby you get an extra discount on shopping so instead of giving her money you want to do her shop instead.
Or just give her Tesco or Sainsbury's vouchers and say that you've got a deal where you get a bit of a discount on buying vouchers. Bit like a Blue Light Card or something like that

I think lending money to her friends could surely warrant a chat by DH as you say they don't pay it back.

That's not acceptable.

I think you need to discuss what you perceive as a good use for the money. If that’s her utilities/food pay for them directly. At least that way your money is being used for the purpose you intended.

Offer to pay all her bills directly and book an online shop for her once a week - to make it easier for her. And then she can spend her own money on treats.

Buy her food and pay her bills but don't hand cash over.

If the money is for bills and food and she spends it on other things and then asks for more money, then yes I would begrudge her buying the new kitchen gadget.

Doesn't her blowing the money you give her mean she isn't actually struggling on her own pension? Do you really need to give the money every month?

That’s actually a really good idea if we’re the ones covering the ‘treats’ then at least we know where the money’s going, and she has to prioritise essentials with her own. Something like a gift card could work, especially for food shopping. Just need to figure out how to frame it so it doesn’t feel like we’re taking control.

The money isn’t leaving us totally skint, but it does mean we have less to put towards savings and extras for the kids. And I think that’s what’s frustrating me MIL is getting all these luxuries while we’re having to be careful. DH just hates confrontation and would rather keep the peace, but I do think we need to set some boundaries before this becomes the norm. Going through her budget is a good shout, but I have a feeling she’d resist she doesn’t like to admit there’s a problem.

If you don't want to insult her I'd suggest you say you'd like to pay a utilities bill directly as it would also benefit your credit rating.
However be prepared for her to still be frivolous with money. If you want that to stop you will have to stop giving her an excess. Does she really need your money if she's lending some to her friends?

Yeah this is what I'm sort of thinking, if she can afford expensive takeaways, gadgets and giving money away then she obviously has extra.

OP it sounds like you could give this woman £0 or £1000 per month and it wouldnt make a big difference to how she lives except shed just spend the money on crap

Personally I think when someone acts like a child where money is concerned then treated them like one really isn't an issue. No one gets given money without a certain level of interference or justification. I would not be sacrificing family money for someone who just fritters it away. You can't help some people where money is concerned - they are being enabled to continue bad habits.

Yeah, that’s what I keep wondering if she can afford to waste it, does she actually need it? When we first started helping, she was really stressed about bills and food, so it felt like a no-brainer. But now I’m questioning whether we’re just enabling bad habits rather than genuinely helping.

I don’t think she’s rolling in it if we stopped completely, I reckon she’d struggle. But maybe not as much as she makes out? I don’t know. I just hate the idea that we’re scrimping and saving while she’s off buying random tat and bailing out her mates. Maybe we need to scale it back and see what happens.