To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

Just STOP bank rolling her completely! If her pension is low she should qualify for pension credit surely. And if you pay bills directly she will continue to spend on crap because the cash is spare.
Also, why not encourage her to save some for a 'rainy day'........ white goods that need replacing, new shoes, perhaps a day trip

On reflection, could this be financial abuse by these 'friends'?

Step aside from your resentment and start thinking about her welfare.

There are other ways to help her out than throw cash at her which then gets sniffed out by opportunists.

How old is she? I often forget some people's MILs are young enough to be my daughter while others might be older than my mum (85). Could there be something deteriorating there?

Well, she must have always had this same attitude to money, that's why she has no savings, low pension etc, and you are helping facilitate that with your donations. So she has no need to change her "easy come, easy go" financial dealings.
Did you expect her to suddenly become more financially astute when she had more money to play with?

I can understand why you are feeling aggrieved that she is frittering away money that you've worked hard to earn, especially when your DH seems to condone his Mother's behaviour.

I'd say that you and your DH need to discuss why and how you will be supporting his mother, as it will cause resentment to build between you, especially with the COL rapidly rising.

Paying directly for essentials such as lighting and heating might make you feel better, leaving MIL to spend her own money however she wants, but in reality that's just juggling with numbers.

You and your DH have to find emotional and practical agreement as to why you are donating your own income to his mother (and her friends!), and perhaps limit your contributions, because MIL isn't going to change.

Just pay the bills directly, frame it that you're taking the admin hassle away from her

If OP pays a specific bill it doesn’t solve the problem. Giving MIL (eg) £100 pcm cash vs paying a £100 pcm gas bill is exactly the same, OP is down (and MIL is up) £100 pcm.

The issue is if MIL can afford to give money away then she cannot receive money from OP to do this, it must now come out of her pension that she budgets for.

Giving MIL money via the food shop or via the gas bill is exactly the same as handing her cash.

Could you fudge the truth a little? Perhaps with the rising costs of day to day life, the children getting older etc things need reassessed financially? School trips, after school activities, tutors etc have all gone up alongside the weekly food shop, your bills, holiday etc.

Sit her down and offer to go through her budget too. Figure out what she can afford and either offer to take on a set bill or two like council tax/water or pay for her weekly food shop, perhaps online and it’s delivered?

OP, stop this.
You might feel that you can afford to support her spending but in a very few short years your DC will likely be heading off for uni or saving for house deposits.

I guarantee that you will so wish that you'd put that money into ISAs for them instead of giving it away to MILs friends.

And please don't be banking on an inheritance from her, if she needs nursing care at some point, there may not be anything left to inherit.

We had to do this…we give mil and fil an amount every month, because mil has spanked every last penny they’ve ever earned on keeping up with the Joneses/ having ‘nice’ things. A few months ago, the final straw came when we went round there and she’d spent the monthly amount we give them on 2 fancy John Lewis garden chairs because these were the only ones she likes, and a Dyson hairdryer. Meanwhile they are skipping meals and keeping the house cold. We now pay their phone and electric bills instead. Fil is a bit of an enabler and she’s a shopaholic, but I can’t bear to think of them cold.

I have a relative who lives in the moment, is totally incapable of seeing actions have consequences, especially with finance. How do you respond if in one breath she’s saying she’s skint, and the next, by the way I had to give Joan 20 quid?

I think it's unreasonable to give someone cash and then try and micromanage how they spend it. If you want it to go on bills offer to pay the council tax. Its the only bill she can go to jail for not paying. Maybe she's getting takeaways for a reason. May be she doesnt want to cook for 1. Maybe she doesnt see the point. Maybe making her a few meals for the freezer or getting her to some decent microwave meals from Marks will help her out.

A lot also depends on why she has ended up in this position financially.

Do you know the background to this as well as your DH? I agree with those who say that your children come first

I would pay the bills directly.

If the amount you currently give her is more than the bills cost, I would then add on a few bits for her onto my shopping if she needs it. I would not be giving her any cash at all.

The mindset should be that you are supporting her with basics not ‘gifting’ her cash for treats. Then if she complains she has no money, you know she’s not going to starve.

At the end of the day, she’s either a competent adult who should live within their budget. Or she hasn’t got capacity & needs more direct help with budgeting even if that feels intrusive.

Also she could be telling friends that she is being gifted regular money and being takrn advantage of by "friends".

Time to say that things are tighter and you need to pull back.
No way my children would be missing out for MIL to be blowing money.

YOU need to take control. Children are expensive and you need to spell it out.

Take a specific bill and pay it if you must, but pull back and certainly no cash.
Let her use her own.

It’s difficult, because some people never learn good money management skills and it’s hard to shift certain habits once they are established.

i also agree with the person who said that it’s easier to fritter away money that someone else has earned. I have recently noticed that my teen dd has become a lot more careful with money now that she is earning some of it!

ultimately I would continue to help your mum but maybe try to have a conversation about it with her.

Exactly this! All of you saying pay the bills directly, that will make no difference at all, she’ll just spend the money she would’ve been spending on that bill on the gadgets and money for friends!

Bottom line is, if she can afford to do that then she’s not struggling, she just needs to learn to budget and OP needs to put her children and her own immediate family before her MIL.

If you paid £200 of bills that frees up the £200 she was paying bills with to continue doing what you’re not happy with.

It’s just she’s don’t with “her” money not “yours”

Not sure there’s any easy answer here

Is she lonely?
Older people not going to work everyday
Living alone can become isolated.
Going out to buy things gives a reason to make an effort for some social interaction.
I do this myself.
People in shops are often friendly both staff and other customers.
It's a limited interaction therefore safer. No ongoing expectations.
Likewise her lending money.
Being useful makes a link.
It's hard to understand each stage of life. How others cope and why.

I honestly wouldn’t give her anything. She will have enough to live on - all pensioners are in the same boat. She’s playing you both for mugs. If you feel you can’t cut off completely, then just tell her you are now struggling as prices of everything has shot up, so instead of giving her cash, you’ll buy her shopping or a takeaway as and when you can afford it.

I’d say if she can afford lots of takeaways and to give money to friends she doesn’t need as much as you’re giving her

I would check she’s feeding herself ok, and that the takeaways are not because she forgets to buy food or is too tired/otherwise unable to shop and cook
perhaps I’d give less money but organise a shop or prep some food for her if I was worried about that
and id check that she’s not being groomed by these ‘friends’

but if neither of these are concerns I’d cut back. You could offer to look at her finances with her if you wanted, and she’d allow it to help her manage better. But I’d rather have a takeaway myself or save for my own pension than give someone else money so they can give it to strangers.

My dad was appalling with money and it was a non stop stress for his entire life. If you accept that your MIL is never ever going to be sensible with money or do what you think she should, things get easier.

If you pay for treats, she's not suddenly going to get better at paying the basic bills. She'll book a holiday or something instead.

If you want to pay her gas bill, do so, but she's not going to stop lending money to freeloaders, because she likes feeling like a rich generous person.

Tbh if I were you, I would just stop. I did eventually stop giving my Dad money when my partner pointed out I was going overdrawn to do it. He muddled along until he found a richer girlfriend and moved in with her and persuaded her to invest thousands in a scam We offered various forms of other help which he didn't want and why should he?

Talking to your h about prioritising your children and your own future would be my priority.

"MIL, you can't afford to lend people money because we are already supporting you. When you lend money to people who then don't pay it back, you are literally taking our money away from your grandchildren and giving it to your friends."

This. I don't think you can pull her up on the takeaways, but she's basically giving your money away at the expense of her grandchildren. She really can't argue with that one.

If you give someone money you can't expect to tell them what to spend it on. I wouldn't then give her more if she ran out though

Sorry if someone else has mentioned this already, but has she applied for all the benefits / pension credit she is entitled to? Does she own her own home?

How do you know she's actually struggling? Is it just because she says so / she's stressed??

Do you or your DH have one of those employer benefits schemes where you can buy gift cards etc at a discount? If so, buy / frame it like that for a supermarket.

But first of all I would want to check she's maximising her income, incl due benefits etc and also checking to make sure she's not got any unnecessary payments going out.

How old is she btw?

I think you both are missing the point. The OP and her husband are giving her money to help her each month. This is to assist in paying bills and allow her to have a reasonable standard of living. The MIL is being frivolous with money and lending it to others etc and spending beyond her means and then coming back to the OP for more money. I know how frustrating this can be because I have a brother who does it. I give him money each month to help (buying food and heating his flat), he spends it on weed, fags and booze then scrounges for more.

We have similar with MIL. Her boiler broke and she had a quote to replace it which she couldn't afford. We gave her the money. She took SIL on holiday with it and has been boiling kettles and using fan heaters since autumn (and wailing about the cost of the electric). Some sort of crazy level of dissonance. It was a final straw for us. Tried buying a food shop, but that seems to end up at SIL's house as well. So now we give nothing but moral support.