To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

OP, please ignore this absolutely ridiculous nonsense.

Exactly! If you want to give, give freely and without conditions. You shouldn't expect your generous and kind contribution to mean that you have some control over her life.

You’re bankrolling her at the expense of your own DC and now she spends freely knowing you’ll top up her account every month. I think she is taking advantage and you need to reign it in a little.
Perhaps you could stay your mortgage has increased so instead of sending money, you can pay some of her bills/ order an online shop?
You haven’t said her age but look into any benefits like Pension Credit she may be entitled to.

I understand OP. I do similar for a family member and it does more damage than help. The money ends up being wasted on pointless stuff, which would have never been bought with own money, then they still have no money and seem to be no better off. It’s really frustrating when you work hard to help then they fritter it away. I’ve cut down on what I give now and they seem to be doing ok.
Before people come at me, they are not left starving, cold or in darkness. Just terrible with money and impulsive buying, bills always been paid.

I would not give her the money directly, I’d take over her bills by direct debit and if there was anything left out of what you usually give her I’d take her in some food.

The best thing you can do is not lent her cash, then buy her a food shop.

buying a voucher for her can be more economical for you if you’re able to find money off

She’ll say she’s skint, but then she’s ordering takeaways three nights a week or buying random stuff she doesn’t need @StablePtarmigan

Could you order in enough ready meals for the week? My DM always wants quick and easy meals now she's older so I either batch cook for her and put them in her freezer or top up her ready meals.

The impulse buying could be boredom or even depression. Or she genuinely thinks she needs the items- what sort of things are they, I know they're tat to you but they're obviously not to her.

Having said all this, if you're scrimping and saving yourselves as you've said, then it's a no brainer.
Your DH needs to be realistic and as nice as it is to support your parents if you can't afford it then you need to find a way to help her budget without your support.

OP is annoyed because after her MIL has spent the money that they have generously given her on takeaways and giving money to her friends, she comes back to ask for more money.

That is the unreasonable bit. And by giving her more money, OP and her DH are unable to afford the sort of luxuries like takeaways that her MIL is enjoying on their money.

Just tell her you have to cut back on the allowance that you give her, for whatever reason.

I don't think you can give someone something and then put conditions on it. Once she has the money it's hers.

And tbh do you really begrudge her a take away or two? Although I do think lending money she can't afford to "friends" not getting it back and then asking you for more is uncool.

If it were me and I felt like you do I'd probably just say to hubby I don't mind us contributing what we do but you need to talk to her about us not being able to offer more when she's "skint". That you've your own bills and responsibilities and cant afford more but would be happy to help her with her budgetting to stick within her means

This

Can you give a present with conditions? If you think she is unwise in what she buys - and who to judge that? - give her gift vouchers instead.

If she buys takeaways she may see them as a treat, or may want to experience a new taste to keep her mind alert.

With a voucher she can buy food, or send her a meals catalogue and pay for 7 meals a week, but let her choose.

Pay her energy bill, or pay for a home help, or garden help.

Then she can spend what is left of her own money on what SHE likes.

It seems like you’re giving her much more than she needs. How about reducing it a bit and see how you go or as others say, just pay a bill.

A gift should come with NO strings attached!

Then don't give her the money!

It's not a gift. It's monthly financial support. Like an allowance. And it was to support her to pay her bills. Not for her to give to her friends.

Perhaps she is 'buying' friends?

There used to be a charity in the small town I lived in, (before such things as food banks)and each year they picked a few elderly people to give a grocery voucher to.

The conditions were that they were not to spend it on alcohol or tobacco. I considered that wrong, and would have refused. I don't know how many takers there were, but it seemed daft, because they could spend the vouchers on legitimate food items, then go back the next day to buy their booze and fags with the money they saved from the voucher!

The OP doesn't know for sure that their money is being given away or spent recklessly, so they? She could be spending their money legitimately, according to their wishes, and blowing her own!!

Someone should start a new thread on what gift money should be spent on.

Perhaps it is better not to give cash with conditions, but to help in less obvious ways.

Does she own her own house? Perhaps paying her monthly DD for energy directly she might not even notice and will use her own money for food. If she is renting somewhere, perhaps pay a portion of the rent through the landlord.

Or pay Council Tax?

However, she may lose pension credit if she claims it.

If you’re giving her the money it’s her money to do with as she pleases, it’s abusive behaviour to then try and control her through it. (Imagine how everyone would feel if the government audits all the money it gave pensioners to judge if they were wasting it!).

if you can’t afford what your giving her that’s different, but what she spends it on is really her business.

I think if u gift someone money, however frustrating u might find their spending, u can't dictate how they spend it. What u can do is say that's the limit.

It’s not a gift . It’s regular financial support because they felt sorry for her but she is obviously not that much in dire Straits because 3 nights of take away is quite feckless . She should be home cooking . Also giving to friends is just chucking it away and how she could be using her kids for this is cheeky.

You hit the nail on the head . She was never good with money and still isn’t . She’s using her son and you . Time to stop .

I don’t understand why she needs money at all. If she’s spending money on crap then she clearly has her main bills covered already?