To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

I would be irritated too, paying the bills directly won't change much.

Ask DH to have a chat with her about setting boundaries around lending, she seems like an easy target for friends to borrow from.

Absolutely this. Don't give her the money if you think it entitles you to control her spending. That's not fair.

Your DH is as much of an issue here as your MIL. This is his mother and he needs to be the one who’s holding her accountable and having talks with her. You’re being kind enough to give her money which could be going towards bettering your own lives and she’s basically pissing it up the walls.

If she can afford to be biting countless takeaways and lending money to people obviously she doesn’t need your money.

Personally, I would pick two bills ( electric / gas/ rent whatever) and set up a direct auto payment out of your account to pay those. Pay a month or so in advance so she never receives a bill, except one saying she is in credit, and then forget about it. Tell her that those bills are now covered but you won't be giving her cash anymore, as she now has extra pension money that she is free to spend as she pleases ( assuming this is financially viable for your family).

If she can afford to treat herself to 3 takeaways a week and give money to friends then she doesn’t need your financial help.

id sit down with her and look at her incomings and outgoings, work out exactly how much she has left over and go from there.

my mum would be mortified if I had to help her out with money each month,

So she is buying a takeaway and that's not spending the money in the current way? A gadget that may seem daft to you might bring her great pleasure. Remember it isn't all your money there is some of hers as well.
You could of course just pay her bills instead them she is allowed to spend her money as she wishes

Id cut the amount in half to start with

I’d be sitting down with her and looking at all her bills / income / outgoings and work out how much she actually NEEDS. Who came up with what? Did she just say she needs x amount? I’d be pretty unhappy too ! DH needs to prioritise his future and family.

This is not on she is wasting your money which you work hard for.Does she have savings, is she entitled to pension credit? Your DH needs to find out exactly what’s going on with her money as you say she hasn’t been the best when younger.I would be furious if my MIL had been like this there really is no need.She now relies on this hand out that is what it is and giving to friends is awful.Maybe pay for a small weekly shop and stop the rest.She needs to sort herself out.Good luck your DHneeds to step up pretty fast.

In similar circumstances, I've opted to pay for something specific. For a LP Neice, I paid for a monthly travel pass, soft play vouchers and did a shop for packed lunch stuff. It meant that she could access all the children centre activities and visit family. It was up to her to then learn to budget and have independence over what she spent money on. In your MILs case I would gave covered heating, or car insurance, to keep her warm/mobile. Then she budgets the rest. It stops any resentment. I think take-aways in your 70's is allowed tbf.

Yes, it's the fact that she's getting money but then coming back and saying she needs even more. I would tackle getting DH to agree that you give her whatever amount each month, possibly making direct bill payments so you know they're covered, but then if she asks for more, then you say 'no, can't manage that, you'll have to do what everyone else does and make what's left last till the end of the month'.

They are giving her the money because she says she needs it to live on, not as a nice gift to make her happy. If she's spending it on things like that she clearly doesn't need it to live on.

This is not "controlling her spending". She can spend money on whatever she likes. But if she wants to spend all her money on her friends and stupid shit, then she can't keep going to them and saying she needs their money for essentials. Well, she can, but anyone with any sense would say no, fuck off.

absolutely this

Well, she clearly doesn't need it. So, don't give it. To continue to do so and then moan she uses it on whatever is on them. Especially if it's to the detriment of their own family.

DH just hates confrontation and would rather keep the peace

It's funny how so many people who hate confrontation are nonetheless happy to piss of their spouses/partners and even let it affect their children.

The money MIL is spending so freely could be going towards a pension so that OP and her DH aren't scrimping and scraping in their retirement. It could be giving the DCs chances that they now can't afford. Instead the DH is giving his family's money to the local takeaway and to his mother's friends.

It's time to put your foot down OP.

Hang on you said you’re scrimping and saving? If that’s the case then you can’t afford to bankroll your MIL and should stop. She’s taking the piss. Don’t make excuses for her about decline in cognitive function etc. Clearly she’s bad with money period otherwise she wouldn’t have got to the stage of life where she expects handout from you!

If your DH hates confrontation, simply make yourself a bigger problem than his mother. Have the argument.

How much are you talking about in terms of discretionary spends and loans? Is your MIL coming to you looking for more money after she has spent it / loaned it?

it would piss me off too if I was having to tighten my belt and go without to then see someone spend frivolously or give it away.

You give her money to make her more comfortable.

so
maybe getting takeaways and shopping for gadgets is what makes her happy and comfortable?

To those saying paying bills is the same as giving cash - no it isn’t.

If OP & DH know that the bills have been paid & MIL has bread & milk in the house, then it doesn’t matter if she runs out of money. They can feel ok refusing to hand over more without worrying that DH’s mum is going hungry or will be made homeless.

The OP up until now has assumed "happy and comfortable" means bills paid, heating on and food in the cupboard.

If the OP finds out that the money they are giving to make her "happy and comfortable" is to pay for expensive takeaways and give to her friends then the OP has every right to reassess the subsidy with that new information. And decide that she has absolutely no obligation to support that level of happiness and comfort in her mother in law at her and her family's expense.

They gave money to help her cope. Not to facilitate her giving away money and buying unnecessary things. The OP is scrimping and struggling to save for her dc.

How old is your DH's mum? He's her son. He wants to do this for her. She's older, clearly on her own. Give it to her, say nothing, let her do whatever she does with it. That's the nature of a gift.

Just back off, don't interfere in a son's love for his mum. One day it might be you, and even though you might be way more sensible and careful with the money, who knows. Maybe you'll slip up too.

It's mother's day today. Have respect for who she is, without her you wouldn't have a husband! I'm sorry as I don't usually get as direct as this, but I really feel that you should just leave well alone.

As you've probably thought, she won't be here forever. None of us will. So just be nice and leave it alone, let him be a kind non-judgemental son. It's his mum.

I would cut right back, tell her that your bills are going up.

Just give her a 1/4.

The OP is scrimping and unable to save for her dc.
If course she’ll be pissed off at her DH giving his mother money that she is then being handed out to her friends Willy nilly and spent on things the OP can’t afford due to her dh giving their money away.