To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

She’s mid-70s, so not exactly ancient, but definitely at the stage where I do wonder if age is playing a part. She’s physically fine, still drives, sees friends, all that. Just seems to have zero concept of budgeting or planning ahead. But then again, she was never great with money even when she was younger, so maybe it’s just more noticeable now because we’re the ones picking up the slack.

If your own children are going without in order for you to support MIL, then you are going to have to be honest with her and risk upsetting her. She’s effectively giving away your children’s money to her friends.

Not sure how much you’re giving her- is she paying rent or a mortgage? If housing is covered, I would look at paying gas/electric bill directly and/or £50 per week supermarket card, and then you know she’s housed, warm and fed, but cash spending comes from her pension.

Your DH might have to start facing some harsh facts though - it’s possible that shes losing track of spending due to cognitive decline.

She doesn't care what she does with it because it's not hers. I'd honestly stop sending her money. I'd send her a weekly shop, so she doesn't struggle for food. I wouldn't be happy with her giving my earned money away either, very disrespectful.

If you give money as a gift, it is up to the recipient to spend it how they wish. I wouldn't begrudge someone getting a takeaway.

Having said that if you have clearly said "this is to help you with your bills," and she's getting into arrears and spending it elsewhere that is not great.

How certain are you about her financial situation? My FIL is always lamenting about how he can't afford things and how tight money is and expensive bills are. I swallowed it hook, line and sinker, but DH who helps him with his finances says this is absolutely not the case.

Surely you would only support another adult who isn't your husband or your child if they were short of money and unable to pay bills through no fault of their own? If she could buy takeaways and still pay for all her necessities, that would be OK but to keep coming back to OP and her DH for more money isn't reasonable.

Paying a bill directly IS different to paying her cash so she can pay her bills. If I understand correctly she is spending money on wants and then not having enough for essential bills/needs and asking for more. If OP and her DH pay the bill on her behalf then she can't ask for more money because she has overspent and can't afford the bills.
Council tax is the obvious one to pay, but check she isn't entitled to benefit for this if she is on a low income.
Takeaways several times a week suggests she struggles with forward planning and or the effort of cooking for one. If you live near could you take her shopping once every few weeks for store cupboard essentials, fresh and frozen ready meals, fruit and veg. Then you know she is eating ok and doesn't need takeaways.

Has she claimed Pension Credit and Council Tax rebate?
gov.uk

My MIL complains about money, she has just lent SIL 5K and won’t shop anywhere but Waitrose and eats almost everything 100% organic.

If you are assisting with money I feel you both have every right to look through statements. This is the only time it’s acceptable.

How did you get to the point where you were subsidising her? It’s madness that you’re scrimping to do so when she clearly doesn’t need it. It would be a big no from me I’m afraid. ‘Hey MIL, I’m afraid we can’t give you any money from next month as we’re really struggling to make ends meet’.

This is the bit that jumped out at me. It’s not normal for friends to repeatedly borrow cash. OP, why do her friends think your mum is flush? Does she tell them you give her money? I’m not sure how old she is but I’d be a bit worried about her judgement and mental faculties failing, which could be making her vulnerable to others taking advantage.

When my Mum was in early stages of Alzheimer’s, she started doing a lot of impulse buying: expensive accessories and gadgets, etc, and was susceptible to upselling whenever she went shopping. This rings a few alarm bells that go beyond just being rash with money.

Does she have a POA in place?

Whatever you decide to do about the money now, if she does loose capacity in the future, given how enmeshed you are in supporting her financially, it will get so much worse for you and DH. You'll end up throwing money at her that she'll be basically setting fire to.

If your DH is going to continue financial support, you both need the security of him being able to take the reins if she looses capacity

I agree. For MIL “living comfortably” could well mean the disposable income to spend on things she enjoys. Take aways and gadgets are not wastes of money like betting on the horses or drinking gin all day.

Some people are just awful with money, my dad has had wholes in his flooring but eats out at a very expensive cafe every single day because it's his only connection to people really outside of working with family. I've tried to help and talk about this with him but it's a choice, he just cant plan ahead and doesnt see certain things as a necessity he just lives day to day.

The friends taking cash off her sounds like she is vulnerable and being taken advantage of. So it’s right to be concerned about that

If you pay the bill, she will have the equivalent amount of money to spend anyway… and why not?

Definitely op. She’s not about to suddenly get good at budgeting now, and all you are doing is enabling her to spend on daft stuff whilst having to scrimp yourself. Spend that money in your children instead, or put it in a pension for when you are old and may be struggling yourselves!

Stop giving her money.
Let her be skint and appreciate her need for help. Or not.

We had something similar with MIL (in a relationship with a financially and emotionally abusive partner for the last 20 odd years and won't leave him). She is terrible with money and the financial control started after she racked up lots of credit card debt that her "DH" "kindly" paid off for her and hangs it over her head to this day for any minor "infringement". She was constantly asking DH and BIL for money but then seemed to be blowing it all on treats and clothes, she was also taking out multiple credit cards (some with ridiculous interest rates) and paying for things on them but due to her "DPs" financial control she was not able to pay them off.

As her "DP" is financially abusive he was not allowing her to buy any treat things or clothes, only food (and then only from a list he gave her) and things that benefitted him. She is allowed to go out with certain friends for lunch and he gives her an allowance to spend each month so he can't be "accused of been abusive as he's not isolating or denying her any money". He also buys her treats if she is "good" and doesn't argue with him or do things that annoy him -like not been available when he wants her to be and picking up extra shifts at work.

Both us and BIL have families and homes to support and money is tight at times so her asking for money and then blowing it on coffees, cakes, lunches, unnecessary pet accessories, handbags ect got very grating (especially in tight months). She also made quite a few ill timer comments to both DH and BIL about how she would have to move in with either us or BIL if her DP died (he is in I'll health) as she has little money and how we would have to support and pay for the 4 horses, 2 dogs and chickens. How she is planning to retire in 2 years when she is 60 (but won't qualify for pension until 66).

In the end DH and BIL have agreed to pay her personal bills that her "DH' won't pay because they don't benefit him and we're the main expensive things been put on the credit cards (phone bill, fuel for her car, mot, car insurance, car tax, car repairs). When she comes out for the day or a meal with one of us we cover her costs. We have also helped move any credit card debt over to those 0% cards and try and help her keep on top of credit cards.

Her own DM and DF also give her some money for "treats" out of their pensions. But no-one can afford to support her lifestyle.

Maybe she’s struggling cuz she can’t budget? Could you help her to make a budget and see where the money is going to judge if the struggling is genuine or though poor management

How did your husband know how much to give her? Did he just guess or did he make her sit down and review her finances? Perhaps he now needs to do the latter, see if she is short or not. But the fact that he prioritises his mother over his children is all kinds of wrong in my opinion. He perhaps needs to unpick what that's all about.

Your DH needs to have an honest chat.
"Mum, the kids are growing and eating more. I'm going to give you a little less cash for a few years. Don't jump to loan any money to your friends, and buying a few less take aways might see you better off."

In the mean time it's clear that your MIL doesn't like cooking for herself so research a source of healthy frozen meals for older folk. Help her also to order just a few very basic foods to be delivered weekly - milk, bread, yoghurt, cereal, fruit etc.

Help her claim all benefits to which she is entitled.
Your DH should seriously examine his mother's budget and help his Mum plan for bills while still having spending money to enjoy.

Buy MIL a woollen snuggy wearable blanket to help reduce heating.

Give MIL the money in cash. She can see it go, and budget more accurately.

I’m pretty sure the OP means the MIL comes back for ever more. And yeah that would be a problem for me.
if I was giving x amount and they were spending it stupidly and expecting me to then give more to cover their shortfall, I would put stipulations on it just say no. Because that sort of mentality means there will never be enough. It’s not an incoming money problem. It’s an out going money problem. And I would not allow that to be MY problem

I'd concentrate on the concern this raises about capacity. I appreciate she is a grown woman and entitled to spend it (takeaways are great!) but lending to friends who have no intention of returning it would cause me to be alarmed. I would sit down with your husband and discuss the reality in the future that she may need care and assistance on many other levels.
That will cost you in money and time; money that is being wasted now. Good luck with it all.

This.

Also, not sure if this is the same in the UK, but in Oz some banks or credit card companies have reward schemes where if you buy a gift card or do online shopping with their linked account, you get a % discount or a cash back option, so if you give her a gift card or an online order for her groceries it could actually save you money, too.

@StablePtarmigan how much money are you talking about and how long has this been going on for?? i dont see the point of making her financially carefree and your family with kids going without!