To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

the reason she hasn't got money is because she wastes money - then your dp gives her more money as she wastes her own money.

How is she cognitively OP. I just wondered whether there are some issues there?

Time for a hard conversation with her.

"MIL, you can't afford to lend people money because we are already supporting you. When you lend money to people who then don't pay it back, you are literally taking our money away from your grandchildren and giving it to your friends."

You do really need to put your children first. Any money you are giving your MIL could be saved for when your children are older.
Most people would not let a relative live in poverty but your MIL is not.
Did your MIL ask for this money or did you just decide to give it to her.
A discussion is needed.
This is yet another thread this weekend about adult children giving money to parents. It is not how things should be.

If you are in a lucky position to help , it’s not cool to become controlling , she won’t be around for ever so let her enjoy life

personally I’d pay her gas / electric bill direct to the company and tell her to put heating in as much as she likes and no more

obviously you are giving her too much if she is spending like she is

can you lie to her and tell her you need a 6 month break in payment because you are “ make up reasonable excuse “ just so she has 6 months to feel a pinch

could you do a budget together so she knows she has x amount per week for fun ?

How old is she?

Does she have capacity to make rational decisions? If so I don't think you can tell her what to spend money you have gifted her. But you can stop giving it to her if it looks as though she doesn't need it.Also if you comes to you and says she needs more money for her bills as she has spent what you have given her you can say sorry we can't afford any more.
If you think she isn't competent to make her own decisions could you pay her bills instead of giving her money

I dont think you can “give” money and expect to dictate how it is spent! She is an adult and yes possibly makes choices with her money that you do not approve of or think are wasteful but they probably give her joy.If you do not want to have a discussion with her and say that you would find it easier for the budget to pay a couple of her utility bills each month (for example) then either let her have the money to spend how she wants, or stop. When my children were small my mother used to send a small amount to me a month and I spent it how I thought fit! I would have felt extremely patronised if my mother had asked me how I was spending it or dictated that to me. This lady is a pensioner so has had a whole life of making her own decisions and as long as she has not got cognitive decline should be allowed to continue to do so

one person’s ‘struggle with money’ is another person’s different priorities. I’d bet that her income is not as low as you might think, it’s just that she can’t budget well and has never planned for a longer term. The extra money you give her is going towards whatever comes at her first, you aren’t going to change her habits of a lifetime, in fact you are probably enabling what you see as her irresponsibility.

Sorry but your mil is seriously selfish and entitled. And you and your dh are idiots to give her money and deprive your own family. Wtf!

The only problem here is her saying she is skint and your DH feeling guilt tripped / soft hearted / manipulated by this.

She says she’s skint? “Yep, we know the feeling, so are we!” “Cost of living crisis. We have had to budget too- no takeaways for us at the moment “ “oh no! What happened to your budget this month? You’ll have to tighten your belt!” “Oh no! Can xxx pay you back? Then you’ll be OK”.

And if she presses “sorry MIL, we just can’t afford more”. On repeat.

Tbh, that has crossed my mind. She’s always been a bit impulsive with money, but lately, she just doesn’t seem to think things through at all. It’s like she genuinely doesn’t connect spending now with struggling later. She’ll say she’s skint, but then she’s ordering takeaways three nights a week or buying random stuff she doesn’t need.

I don’t think there’s anything major going on she’s fine in other ways, remembers things, manages day-to-day life okay but I do wonder if she’s just getting worse with age. Or maybe she’s just got used to us topping her up, so she doesn’t feel the need to be careful? Hard to tell.

If she’s essentially giving some of the money away when she has no savings, does she have full capacity?

I would perhaps talk to DP about saving the money for DMIL instead as she doesn’t have savings of her own but not tell her about them obviously. That way when she has an emergency, and there will be one, you have enough saved for her. Does she have her funeral prepaid?

I would also talk to DP about going through her outgoings with her and checking that she isn’t in debt.

I come into contact with a lot of people in debt through my work and you’d be surprised how many people do not know how much they have coming in each month and how much is going out.

If you're 'having to be careful' then you can't afford to give her as much. Sit down and go through your household budget and look at what you're having to deny yourselves. I kind of agree that if you're giving cash, MIL should have the choice of how to use it, but then again it seems absurd if you're saying you can't afford expensive takeaways but she can because of the money you give her.

You could maybe frame paying bills directly as saving her worry and stress.

Or maybe she’s just got used to us topping her up, so she doesn’t feel the need to be careful?

No need to think about how to afford the takeaways - dear son will give me more money to buy them next week

easy come, easy go

pay her rent or council tax and tell her to budget her money

I think she can spend it as she wants. But if she is saying she needs more as can’t cover bills I think you need be to firm that you are giving money to cover bills and food, and if she chooses to spend on take aways or other non essentials then yes, she’ll be short. Or maybe better for you to switch to covering a bill? Easy come easy go (with other people’s money).

It sounds as though he needs to have a frank conversation with her, however disinclined he is.

I think there are two approaches to this. One is to totally treat her like an adult and have the "Mum what with the cost of living we just don't have as much cash as we did and will have to reduce/stop what we are giving you. We are sorry but there it is"
The other is to treat her as someone with a problem who needs support to manage her money for whatever reason and have a conversation that lays out that you are going to support her to make better use of the money you give her by....paying a utilities bill, buying her a regular food shop to a certain value or other controlled option. I could see problems with paying a utility bill. If she's not good at resource management, would she regard this as permission to use the utility ad lib and you might end up with a hefty bill?
I think either way it would be important to agree between you and your partner what amount you and he are willing to give her and not to exceed that amount. I am not sure how you manage your own family finances. Do you both have personal money to spend how you wish? If this is the case then I think any excess over what you have agreed should come from your partner's personal money and not the family pot. That way at least it won't be taking away from family funds. In the event of your family member needing the same support you will have to use the same framework of course.

Could the takeaways be anything to do with finding food prep a problem? I know my mum found peeling vegetables difficult due to arthritis.
She moved onto those prepped meals, I think they were Wilson’s Fine Foods, and just had to zap them in the microwave.

I’m struggling to answer because the three examples in the OP are all so different and yet OP has called them all “absolute rubbish”.

Takeaways seem like a nice thing for someone who might struggle to cook. They could be expensive, but not “rubbish”. Could she replace them with more economical better class of ready meals?

Gadgets are borderline but if she struggles to open jars I can see her thinking the gadget will help her keep her independence.

Lending money to friends from gifted money is not on. Why does she do this? To be seen as lady bountiful or are her friends taking advantage.

I think it’s a lot more complicated than MIL buys rubbish and it concerns me that’s how OP characterises it.

She's seeing it as a teen sees unearned pocket money.

I think paying a bill or two directly would be helpful and wouldn't feel like extra free money for splurging.

It might also be wise to get that sorted in case she needs help managing admin etc later in - get in practice.

You could give her Tesco vouchers for the big food shop?

Or just give her a bit less especially FOR splurging!

Simply put you and dh are mugs..

Could those 'friends' have been pressuring her to buy them takeaways and give them money, which was why she was struggling in the first place?

Difficult one OP! 3 takeaways a week and lending money to friends doesn’t exactly match up with someone who has to be subsidised by her son to be able to afford to live.

I think offering to pay for some of her bills instead is a better option. Gas/ electricity? Or maybe council tax as then she can’t sit in tropical temperatures with you footing the bill? Grocery shopping is a harder one as I wouldn’t necessarily want someone else choosing my shopping for me. I suppose you could do the basics and she can then top up any extras she wants.

Only you and your DH know if changing from just giving cash will cause major drama. And will anything change? Because she’ll just have extra cash in the bank now if you pay her bills directly instead!

Difficuly one. There is a school of thought that says if you are prepared to give/lend money, you don't have a right to dictate what it is spen on. However, it is very hard not to be tetvhy when money that doesn't come easily to you, the giver, is seemingly 'frittered'.
I'd pay a couple of bills for her (quietly) and give her a reduced amount of 'spending money'.