To be annoyed at MIL wasting money we give her?

[StablePtarmigan]

Bit of a rant. DH and I give MIL a bit of money each month as she struggles financially (low pension, no savings, etc.). It’s not loads, but enough to cover bills and food so she’s not stressing. We don’t mind helping, but I’ve just found out she’s been spending it on absolute rubbish expensive takeaways, random gadgets she doesn’t need, even lending money to friends (who, surprise surprise, never pay her back).

I feel like an absolute mug. We give her this money so she can live comfortably, not so she can waste it and then come back to us saying she’s skint again. DH is too soft on her and doesn’t want to say anything, but I’m fuming. We work hard for this money, and I don’t see why we should keep bailing her out if she won’t be sensible.

WIBU to put some conditions on it? Like paying her bills directly instead of giving her cash? Or is that patronising? I don’t want to fall out with her, but I also don’t want to keep funding her bad decisions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Feeling a bit stuck on how to handle it without causing a massive family drama.

If the amount you give her covers her bills and food then her own money will just be play money, no? So I’m guessing that’s what she is spending on the takeaways etc. I’d be pissed off for sure, but if you’re paying her bills you can’t really comment on what she spends her OWN money on I suppose

Erm.

Just no. You GAVE her so you don’t have a say in how spend it. She isn’t a young teen you try to teach and presumably she brought up your hubby. You absolutely shouldn’t « top it off » from joint account but if your dh wants from « his » part of money then…I am sorry but you don’t have a say.

She does what she wants and your hubby too. You don’t show a lot of respect for neither of them.

I think the issue is that her main bills aren't covered because OP's MIL comes back and asks for more money. I'm sure that OP wouldn't care what her MIL spends this money on if she wasn't spending it on non essential stuff and then asking them to give her more money to pay for essentials.

It sounds like you started giving her money because she said she was struggling but you don't seemed to have had a conversation with her about how much she needs to cover her bills and living expenses.

I offered to help a friend out in the run up to payday once and found out that their 'struggling for money' was having twice as much left in their current account as I did.

You say she comes back and complains she is still broke even though you are helping her; are you topping her up more than once in a month?

If you want to give her money you cannot dictate how she spends it. You should not give her money you cannot afford to lose and giving money to someone because they say they are broke without checking if that's true is ridiculous anyway.

Either reduce the amount or stop giving money all together but do not make managing her spending your job.

If this is in the UK and her pension is low, she needs to claim pension credit.

Can you pay her bills directly? Get them moved so direct debits come out of your account? Take her food shopping and pay? Maybe give her a very small amount for other things?

It sounds that you are too generous with your MIL, reduce the amount given or help with a specific bill but your DC should come first and if it's detrimental to them scale right back and explain that you can no longer afford it.

Stop giving her cash. Instead pay her utility bills yourself and organise a weekly delivery from a supermarket that you order online and pay for.

Maybe go through her finances with her to see how much her income and expenditure are and possibly give her a bit less. I was genuinely surprised at how much my mum gets in pensions and benefits. My parents were both relatively low paid workers, but they had paid into pensions - mum's was NHS and dad's was with British Rail, both had over 40 years of service. My dad passed away a while ago but mum lives in social housing, gets HB which covers most of it, plus about £2k per month in pensions - including spousal from dad's pension. However, I also think that giving cash means spend it as you see fit, whatever you need to make you happy. She might also be bored, can you/DH help her to tackle that in some way?

100% this, I've known what an actual struggle is, and takeaways and lending/giving other people money do not sound like she is struggling.

Agree. Sometimes with people like that, the most effective way is to ensure you're the person who they think it's most worthwhile to appease.

Yes, have been there! Gave MIL irregular lump sums to help out, particularly with winter bills, then she said she'd been giving in to her grandchildren so they could go on holidays. All very well but we hadn't been able to afford a holidays for years. So we stopped. But not before asking her to use the money for her own needs. She didn't but still gave it away and then complained that she was struggling with various bills. Difficult one but I wasn't up for funding young people's holidays tbh. Meanie

It's a good idea to pay her bills direct from your bank account. Luckily it's the end of the tax year so you could just say you're re-evaluating and would prefer to pay her bills direct. Then any money she has she can do what she wants with. No stress then and she can buy what she likes and you are doing a good thing for her.

What is this his money her money. Surely when you are building a life together and saving for the future, it’s all ‘our’ money.
how do people have nice holidays and buy furniture and upgrade their house when they have a growing family if one person is spending all ‘their’ money by paying for their mother’s takeaways and bolstering her friend’s bank accounts?

We had similar with my late MIL who died recently at age 88. When she was early 70s, she complained relentlessly to DH about how stressed she and FIL were about the remaining mortgage. How they were having to go without, how difficult it was to find the money for bills etc. So we paid off the mortgage - about 16,000 pounds.

Within 7 years they had signed up for an equity release scheme as they didn't have any money etc etc. I asked DH to help them budget and look at monthly costs for savings - eg., cheaper insurance, any benefits they were entitled to. He found that very difficult to ask them about, but swore they weren't living extravagantly. I broke it down based on their known monthly pension income - short of dining out every night there was no reason why they should be so broke.

MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 4 years ago - she died last year. For the previous 2 years we had been sending them 500 pounds a month as they were "so broke". We paid for a new bathroom and central heating. They signed us up to pay for converting the front garden into parking for them and dropping the kerb - all items that MIL insisted they needed. Financially we could afford it, but there was this nagging suspicion at the back of my mind.

Afterwards, when DH started emptying their house (FIL went into sheltered accommodation) he found bags and bags and bags of new clothes for MIL. All with labels still on. Oh god it was painful to see. MIL must have been buying new clothes every week. They had 2 full size refrigerators with the freezer compartments full of food. A chest freezer - full of food, most of which was thrown away.

We think now that MIL's illness was earlier than we had realised. Probably with some form of dementia as well.

Is your MIL very lonely/bored and this is an activity or attention seeking behaviour? Or is she starting to have difficulties with other aspects of every day life that perhaps you've just not seen yet? The main thing to remember here with your MIL, is that this reckless spending won't improve over the coming years. It will only get worse.

I would frame this as you are having to re access your finances as a family and what you can afford to help with. COL going up and needing to save for the children means you really need to set out a strict plan.

If she won’t let you get a look at the finances at all I would suggest telling her to give you one bill to take over that you will make sure is paid every month, or you will do one shop for her. Whatever you feel works, but you need to stress that you can’t afford additional top ups. If she’s struggling to manage her money then you can help with a budget but you can’t afford to keep giving extra cash every time she spends all of hers.

And make sure DH sticks to it and doesn’t keep slipping her more money.

Lol

well you jumped at it misunderstanding as I surely hope there isn’t just “together money” but spending money for each…it would be healthier if it is possible.

If there wasn’t enough for spending money each…I would defo vote differently as no way I would agree to give spending money to MIL if I don’t have any 🫣

I wonder if the replies would be the same if you were talking about a teenager frittering away their money on takeouts and mates and leaving themselves short for the rest of the month? Of course this needs sorting, she is an adult. Help with a bill that will keep her housed or fed and leave it at that!

I would be very upset if it was my mil.
You give her your hard earned money in good faith as you thought she was suffering hardship and she is handing it out to others and frittering it.
Your husband needs to grow a pair.
Tell her you as a couple are not prepared to sub reckless spending which leaves you short for your children/ her grandchildren.