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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of shoplifting after mistake. Should I complain?

262 replies

MARG07 · 30/03/2025 02:24

Tonight I went to Lidl which I go occasionally to (I'm not a regular shopper there and prefer Tesco, but I was shopping near it and popped into get a few items) I was pushing my 2 year old son in a push chair. He was asleep, and I had the hood pulled all the way down on the stroller. I got yogurts and put them on the hood (I was only getting a few things and couldn't get a trolley or basket as I was pushing my son) then i got milk and realising it would fall off the hood as there was already stuff on it (as it wasn't folded up but pulled all the way down) because he was asleep, in a split second I put it in a carrier bag I had at the side of the pushchair on a clip. Stupid I know but I wasn't thinking.

I then got two birthday cards and some chocolate and placed them on the hood as they were small and would not fall off, and proceeded to the check out. I didn't sleep well and was exhausted also. I was in a queue and by the time my turn came I paid for everything and began to walk out, as I was putting the stuff in the bag I suddenly saw the milk and remembered it, but before I could do anything, an aggressive security man began to shout at me and proceeded to accuse me of stealing. He pulled out all the items i had, including stuff I'd purchased minutes before in another shop and kept shouting to give it all back. (One or two items they sold too) I had a receipt for the stuff from another shop, and kept telling him to look at it. He just kept ranting and rifling through all my stuff though really really aggressively. Everyone was staring and another customer came over with my receipt which i had not taken, and handed it to him, he looked at it and then started going on about the milk not being on it and I was lost for words. I felt so embarrassed at everyone looking and couldn't properly defend myself.

I said it was a mistake that i only put the milk in the carrier bag as it would have fallen off the stroller, and that I couldn't carry a basket and push my sleeping son at the same time. But he was so aggressive and didn't listen at all.. He then just grabbed the milk and walked off. I still wanted the milk (it was actually what I'd gone in for) and was about to pay but he just left. I was almost in tears and just walked out.

It was a genuine error and I feel it should have been handled better. I told my husband when I came home and said I want to go back and officially complain, but he said as I didn't pay its my fault and better to just drop it. AIBU to ask for a manager tomorrow & make a complaint? Or should I just leave it? I can't stop thinking that maybe someone I knew saw me there and thinks I'm a shop lifter. I feel sick..

My husband however said to just forget it and go back there to shop again if I want to, as I've nothing to hide, but not to complain over it. He thinks it's best to just act like it didn't happen.

Any advice?

OP posts:
TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 30/03/2025 08:26

IainTorontoNSW · 30/03/2025 05:04

An allied tale. (How you'd like to be treated!)

n.b. Unlike some countries, in Australia, we stop at the bowsers and put petrol/diesel in our cars ... and then we go inside and pay the cashier. The crime of "drive-off"s is regarded as theft and a low act. At most service-stations, prosecution is all but INSTANT and without favour/consideration. Key word: most ... not ALL, thank goodness.

Back in the day, about 2010, when a $AUD45 was a 'big fill' my ex-wife filled her car on a busy morning. As she went in to join the queue to pay, her mobile phone rang and she stepped to near the fridges to answer a colleague's detailed enquiry.

She then returned to the car to read information from her work folder to her colleague.

She was sitting behind the steering-wheel as her call ended and, as proximity would rule, she drove off.

Luckily, the cashier on duty, reviewed the tapes, though he sort of knew my ex-wife and asked the police notification line for a contact number. She was phoned at work, advised what had happened and offered the chance to return by close-of-business and settle the unpaid $AUD45.

Someone, in a right mind, assumed that he'd rather not lose a potential longer term customer by automatically going to prosecution. Nice thought on his part ... for the next 10-11 years, she bought her fuel there even when that service-station's prices were not the cheapest or best value in town.

Maybe, the OP needs someone who assumes less and has the good sense to act judiciously first.

Edited

Unless one is in a small town or village where everyone knows most people, that will never work. Yes, it's lovely andd good business, but impractical in many ways.
At the moment, the UK has a spate of 'eat and fuck off without paying' crimes. Seemingly normal families criminally taking the piss. So perhaps those trying to run a business are just at the stage where it's better to assume guilt.

Canterranter · 30/03/2025 08:26

Some people on here thrive on kicking people when they are down.
Op was still in the shop - she hadn't left - she hadn't shoplifted at that point. She wouldn't have done either, because she realised that she'd got the milk and would have turned around and paid.
The security guard did not have the legal right to search her bags. He should have asked her permission. That's the law, Google it if you need to, it's very easy to do.

So yes Op, I would make a formal complaint using the store's complaints policy.

HelenWheels · 30/03/2025 08:26

Psychologymam · 30/03/2025 08:25

It is a little strange though? I shop with my toddler (or two!) and have never considered allowing them to grab food from the shelves and not pay for it as a way of coping?! I talk to them and get them involved in the process. If they really need to eat you bring them a snack. They’re children, not wild animals - they will understand the concept of not being able to take everything they can see!

Show quote history

he didnt grab it!
i gave it to him

it is ok - he is 30 now
no one started on a life of crime following this - and i doubt the cashier holds a grudge, or perhaps she does. seemed harsh to me - did she not See the cuteness and forgive him Wink

TinyTheresa · 30/03/2025 08:29

Ellie1015 · 30/03/2025 08:03

Actual shoplifters will also have a story like yours so of course security guard won't be happy and will thoroughly check receipt. Asking a genuine shoplifter to move to private area is likely to escalate the situation too.

You made a mistake, the security guard was just doing his job. You have nothing to complain about. You were embarrassed by your own mistake not the staff.

On the grand scale of things a small mistake in a retail outlet is not a big deal. You didn't threaten life or limb to anyone OP.

There was no reason the security guard could not have handled it more appropriately. And despite the judgmental attitudes we've all done something similar when distracted/tired. No reason whatsoever he could not have said 'ma'am, you forgot to pay for your milk' and redirected you to the checkout. In fact- isn't that exactly what he should have done?! What exactly did his harassment achieve for Lidl?

There is a principal of life in treating people with respect and kindness which used to be fundamental to British society. It's exactly what is wrong with the world when people don't put compassion first, if we want to get into values.

The lesson to learn from here for me would be- shop somewhere else!

Why would moving to a private space escalate something? @Ellie1015 Handling something calmly and competently would de-escalate things wouldn't it? If I had been accosted by this man I would have insisted someone look at his behavior, and would have escalated things for him not de-escalated. He does not have the right to push someone around and he handled things poorly.

Where was the manager on duty while his employee was ranting? She/he needs to pay better attention.

But in all honesty @ OP I think it's not worth worrying about or stressing over further.

Evaka · 30/03/2025 08:29

Sorry this happened op. For those who say she inadvertently shop lifted, well that's not a thing. There has to be intention. Could have been far better handled and yes, you should complain about the security guard's behaviour. I know their jobs are an utter nightmare but getting aggro isn't appropriate ffs.

Allthegoodhorses · 30/03/2025 08:29

OldCottageGreenhouse · 30/03/2025 03:38

Again, it’s not the fact that she was challenged, it’s THE MANNER IN WHICH IT WAS DONE….! Ie: aggressively and ott from OP’s description. Thats not how they are trained to approach the issue regardless of how anyone on here thinks it should be done.

Edited
Show quote history

Personally I think they should get more heavy handed. Shop lifting is rife and perpetrators not being challenged and just brazenly walking out of stores. I expect the security guard just sick to the back teeth of it and quite frankly is not able to decipher whether it was a genuine mistake or the 20th time the OP had done this before.

autumn1610 · 30/03/2025 08:30

I was in Aldi once where at the tills a woman paid for a few things and then they stopped her. Thought that’s weird anyway…she was shoplifting by putting some items in bags from other shops, so they took them out and it was clearly Aldi branded things and no receipt for them. It’s very much a shoplifting tactic to add items to shopping you already paid for. He was likely bored or dealing with shoplifters or that is the manner which they deal with shop lifters (inadvertently you, but he doesn’t know that) keep going back in you have nothing to hide and now you won’t do it again!

Edited to say regarding his attitude I know someone who worked in M&S food and they have had knifes pulled on them when dealing with shoplifting so maybe that’s where his attitude comes from dealing with that crap

TheBuffetInspector · 30/03/2025 08:30

I'm going to sound like a right old cow now, but does anyone remember when buggies and prams didn't have swivel wheels? You really did need 2 hands to change direction or clunk it round the corners. I used to have the basket hooked over my forearm. Shopping was based on weight and what wouldn't tip the basket up 🤣

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 30/03/2025 08:32

HelenWheels · 30/03/2025 08:07

i knew that would cause comment

this is how to get through shopping with a toddler!
yes, i was pretty much expecting a free tomato. so shoot me, call security Hmm

Show quote history

Why were you expecting a freebie?
So, every parent who lets their child eat food (whatever that may be) that's supposed to be paid for should also expect a freebie? That's just selfish. Why should a business feed your child for nothing?
The entitlement....

Fingernailbiter · 30/03/2025 08:33

Lavenderfarmcottage · 30/03/2025 03:57

I can’t believe some of the responses here. I am in Australia so maybe it’s different but… I really think this is unfair. You’re a Mum and when I had a toddler I was exhausted. I am still exhausted and he’s 8 & navigating shops with a pram is so tricky.

I have actually not paid for petrol because in my rush and tiredness I just nodded and said I didn’t have petrol. The ladies in there didn’t call the cops but instead waited for me to come back as I was a regular and it was laughed off.

Ive also done the same thing at IKEA when I was purchasing heaps and distracted by my kid. The security guy was watching me like a hawk and noticed but he was understanding.

I am sure there’s other examples as I’m so forgetful by nature and suffer from tiredness, usually with a kid in tow.

I also think it would be strange to buy 8 groceries and risk shoplifting for 1 very cheap item.

Even if you were a Mum stealing milk so what. You have a toddler - of all the stealing offences, a Mother stealing milk for her 2 year old is one that would garner sympathy. If you were a character in an 1800’s film nobody would judge you. You would have to be desperate to steal milk.

I don’t think it’s deliberate, I think you were dealt with unreasonably. The people in the store will forget your face as it was such a short moment.

Also this has happened to a friend of mine when she left a store without a receipt and had to go back to the bin and get it and there was a huge scene. This stuff happens - don’t feel bad ! People walk out and forget stuff genuinely - especially tired Mums battling kids, bags, prams etc.

I was feeling won over by your point of view until I got to Even if you were a Mum stealing milk so what.

It would be theft, that’s what.

MiserableMrsMopp · 30/03/2025 08:34

A friend of mine had a very similar problem in Lidl, when trying to get help on a customer checkout. A worker was rude, angry and aggressive and implied she was shoplifting when she hadn't rung up all of the groceries yet. There was a racial element to the workers attack.

She complained to Lidl about it and they just brushed it off. Never shopping there again.

HelenWheels · 30/03/2025 08:34

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 30/03/2025 08:32

Why were you expecting a freebie?
So, every parent who lets their child eat food (whatever that may be) that's supposed to be paid for should also expect a freebie? That's just selfish. Why should a business feed your child for nothing?
The entitlement....

Show quote history

and the op's excuse is she was tired

come on she weighed the half a tomato, jobsworth cashier. i hope it made her happy

Lovelysummerdays · 30/03/2025 08:35

johnd2 · 30/03/2025 07:56

Technically eating food in a supermarket that even if you intend to pay for later is theft, as you are treating it as your own when it's not.
(It's not like a restaurant where you are supposed to eat and then pay.)

Show quote history

I’d disagree with this as there is a mental element to theft, if you intend to pay you aren’t committing theft. There’s a costa coffee machine on the way into Tescos. I often buy a drink and have it on the way to the till. They are made at drinkable temperature. So it’d be tepid if you waited.

It’s not theft, I have every intention to pay. I want to pay for it as I get a meal deal so it’s cheaper with a coffee than without!

Its never been an issue.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 30/03/2025 08:36

Lovelysummerdays · 30/03/2025 08:35

I’d disagree with this as there is a mental element to theft, if you intend to pay you aren’t committing theft. There’s a costa coffee machine on the way into Tescos. I often buy a drink and have it on the way to the till. They are made at drinkable temperature. So it’d be tepid if you waited.

It’s not theft, I have every intention to pay. I want to pay for it as I get a meal deal so it’s cheaper with a coffee than without!

Its never been an issue.

Show quote history

The tomato poster was expecting a freebie

Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 08:36

Some people on this thread seem to believe that the rules should be different for a mum with a pram

That really does women a disservice.

johnd2 · 30/03/2025 08:39

Lovelysummerdays · 30/03/2025 08:35

I’d disagree with this as there is a mental element to theft, if you intend to pay you aren’t committing theft. There’s a costa coffee machine on the way into Tescos. I often buy a drink and have it on the way to the till. They are made at drinkable temperature. So it’d be tepid if you waited.

It’s not theft, I have every intention to pay. I want to pay for it as I get a meal deal so it’s cheaper with a coffee than without!

Its never been an issue.

Show quote history

I never said it was likely to be "an issue" or otherwise.
You can disagree all you like but I'm just quoting the legal position on consuming food in a supermarket before you have paid.
It's not hard to Google if you don't believe me.

jolies1 · 30/03/2025 08:39

MugsyBalonz · 30/03/2025 02:40

I would complain. I used to work on retail and the law says that an offence is commited when you take goods with the intention of permanently depriving the owner of them. In every shop I ever worked in, this was when you physically left the store as that point of crossing the shop threshold was when it was clear you weren't going to pay - so many times we'd have a shoplifter in and security weren't allowed to touch them until they passed through the doors as up until that moment they still had the opportunity to pay for the goods they were carrying.

The security guard was over-zealous and heavy handed, he also had no right to search your bags without your consent even if you had been shoplifting - legally he could detain you but if he wanted your bags searched and you refused then he'd have to call the police to do it.

Yes.

We would handle this if we spotted it by saying “So sorry I think you’ve forgotten the milk on your pram.” So they can pay for it and avoid a scene. Can’t approach or apprehend them for shoplifting until they’ve left the store.

Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 08:40

if you intend to pay you aren’t committing theft.

I'm pretty certain there's a very good reason that this phrase isn't in The Theft Act 1968.

TinyTheresa · 30/03/2025 08:40

Fingernailbiter · 30/03/2025 08:33

I was feeling won over by your point of view until I got to Even if you were a Mum stealing milk so what.

It would be theft, that’s what.

Show quote history

It also might be a cry for help.

Lovelysummerdays · 30/03/2025 08:42

Fingernailbiter · 30/03/2025 08:33

I was feeling won over by your point of view until I got to Even if you were a Mum stealing milk so what.

It would be theft, that’s what.

Show quote history

I think I’d have more sympathy with a mother stealing milk than someone stealing a bunch of booze or expensive perfume. Isn’t there a de minimis rule about prosecutions for shoplifting? It is cumulative so can tot it up over time but I think you’d have to go steal milk every week for years.

TinyTheresa · 30/03/2025 08:42

Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 08:36

Some people on this thread seem to believe that the rules should be different for a mum with a pram

That really does women a disservice.

Maybe the staff should be coming up with a solution for how the hell mums with prams can shop?!

Leafy74 · 30/03/2025 08:44

TinyTheresa · 30/03/2025 08:42

Maybe the staff should be coming up with a solution for how the hell mums with prams can shop?!

Show quote history

That is, and I'm pretty certain you know this, a different issue.

mummyh2016 · 30/03/2025 08:45

BallerinaRadio · 30/03/2025 07:41

I imagine the security guard deals with 'accidental' shoplifters multiple times a day and just doesn't have the patience to listen to another 'but I was going to pay for it honest' story anymore.

Plus whenever I read a story like this I imagine the aggression of the security guard is embellished, or you felt he was more aggressive because of the situation.

Shoplifting is rife at the minute, especially with prams and things being put in bags so I'd just maybe not complain and use it to be more careful next time which it sounds like you will be

This. Its always a mistake apparently.

Fingernailbiter · 30/03/2025 08:45

TinyTheresa · 30/03/2025 08:40

It also might be a cry for help.

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake. If someone stole from you, would you consider that’s ok because it might be a "cry for help"?

And don’t tell me OP might have been desperately short of money and unable to afford milk for her child (even if she had hidden the milk intentionally, which I accept she didn’t). She says she had chocolate she was willing to pay for.

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2025 08:45

TwinklyBird · 30/03/2025 05:22

The OP wasn’t shoplifting. Inadvertently or not.

Shoplifting comes under the Theft Act 1968.
“A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it”

The word intention is right there. You can’t inadvertently intend to do something!

The security guard was in the wrong and even if he suspected the OP was shoplifting he is not a judge or magistrate, or even the police, it’s not his call to make and there was no need to be aggressive.

Yeah he might be sick of people stealing but that doesn’t mean he gets to shout at the OP. In my line of work, I get sick of people turning up late for appointments but I don’t shout at them in front of a waiting room full of people!

How could she prove that she had ‘no intention of permanently depriving the other’ of the milk, which she had put in a bag with shopping she had bought from another shop instead of keeping it with the rest of her shopping?
I went into Tesco yesterday and picked up a potted plant from the stand outside before entering. I put the plant in the front end of the trolley. I then did a big scan and shop so by the end the trolley was pretty full. As I put the shopping in my car I saw the plant and realised I hadn’t scanned it so returned to the store and paid for it.
If I had been stopped I could argue that I had not attempted to steal it as it wasn’t concealed. The OP concealed the milk amongst other shopping so I would argue that she would find it hard to prove her innocence. It would be interesting to see the CCTV recording of the encounter with the security guard though.

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