DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

If the genders were switched the replies would be even less kind. Husband might even be called a cock lodger

He has been magnanimous, so why shouldn’t that be recognized? It isn’t something he owes the sister, so why shouldn’t she understand that and be, shock horror, grateful?

If she’s reliant on her brother in law’s financial aid then she can’t afford a holiday, rare or not. If she doesn’t want her spending commented on then perhaps she could move out and get herself a rental at market rate.

@InterIgnis I do think there’s probably more to this as I said and hence I think an honest conversation is needed. I don’t personally agree with not working if you don’t have very young children but I wonder if this is something that has come on fairly recently due to reasons I said - If it’s real issue then the rent should be upped and OP told the reasons why - not just because they’ve gone on a bit of what seems like a one off holiday. I think he’s using this reason when there’s really a more underlying issue he may be hiding from Op

BlondiePortz
How does someone who chooses not to work contribute more to a household than a person who chooses to work? People who works still do housework so how?

Childcare and collections, homework etc (from a situation where when I’m at work on the same day as dh there’s some serious juggling so the kids can even get home from school let alone have someone with them as we’ve lost two after school facilities and can’t find childcare due to the sporadic nature of retail and sometimes dh’s work). Forget the fact that sometimes homework has to be done late at night or the morning and the kids can no longer always get to after school activities. it’s a cinch at the weekend when I know dh is home,

Which is why I said “genuinely can’t work due to health reasons”!

Based on what? That he’s a man and therefore must be the one in the wrong?

She’s massively taken the piss with the holiday, fully taken advantage of her brother in law’s generosity. It isn’t something minor that can be overlooked because ‘it’s a rare holiday’, as if it’s something she’s entitled to that he’s unreasonable to begrudge.

@InterIgnis I think we will just have to agree to disagree on this. It depends too what spirit the agreement to pay a reduced rental rate was entered into - if it was the ‘makes sense, you can pay this, I won’t have to pay fees or have void periods etc’ then I would be pretty pissed off if someone was sat in judgement on my going on holiday -however if it was a pleading poverty of ‘we desparately need this, can’t go over this’ etc-then maybe I would be a bit oeeved yes. OP hasn’t said the circumstances of the rent subsidy - so it’s hard to judge.

If it's just renting to family at a slightly below market price, I wouldn't really consider that supporting someone. In fact if I were to rent to close family chances are I would do so at cost if I could manage it without being at a loss myself, and I would consider that a kind of family obligation.

A cheap holiday every couple of years would be neither here nor there.

But that's how my family approaches stuff. not all family cultures are like that, and it can be tricky when you are married to someone with a different family culture.

A rent reduction of £350pm is definitely support. And there is absolutely no obligation on OP’s husband to support his wife’s sister.

Do you frel obligated to support your husband’s siblings?

If OP was earning money maybe.

But she isn't. Her DH is not only paying for her to be able to stay at home, but also to subsidise her sister.

That £350 is £4200 a year, £21K over 5 years. That's a lot of help. If her DH lost his job that money could have been savings that would keep them afloat.

If I was her DH I'd feel like her families cash cow.

My suspicion is that the 'several' BTL properties the OP and her DH own still have a high loan-to-value ratio, and the rents haven't effectively been covering all costs since the mortgage rates went up in 2022.
If the sister wasn't there, the property wouldn't be empty, it would be let to someone else, and if the OP managed the property, which is not difficult, they would be £350 a month better off. They are taking that hit, to support the sister.
(Edited to correct a typo)

If you read the thread OP's DH says she doesn't contribute anything.
I was pointing out that the unpaid work women do keeps the economy going. If we stop the works jam up. DH should realise OP contributes as much as he does to the family income.

For me it would depend on whether the rent my family member - say my BIL - was paying covered the expenses of the property. So I would likely offer to rent to him at cost - covering the mortgage and utilities, insurance, etc.

And ye, I would consider that a kind of obligation, and also that they would do the same for me.

I always find it interesting that so many people feel that they owe people support through their taxes, people they don't even know, but don't feel any duty to family to do the same.

I dont think he should be supporting your sister at all. No wonder he is annoyed.

💯 or if he decides to move on and leaves you and your sister to it. You would need to find a means to support yourself.

Good luck

"If we stop the works jam up. DH should realise OP contributes as much as he does to the family income."

Really? OP's DH's salary is sufficient to keep him and his wife in comfort, subsidise her sister to the tune of 4k a year and maintain multiple btl properties.

His DW is not home by agreement or to facilitate his career. Plenty of people run a home with no sahm spouse at all especially once kids are at school.

Does not sound like an equal contribution to me. If it were the other way around the term cocklodger would be thrown around...

@Sallymeblue are you able to tell why you couldn't cope / handle work?

Not sure if you had a really poor experience or you had panic attacks or you have an acute, long term term health condition..........

Just to say that there could be some things out there that could help. I had started having panic attacks - lots of stuff going on but also had an appalling boss. I was signed off work (was off for about 6 weeks in all) got some CBT and a phased return to work. All I needed was a bit of support.

Have you proactively done anything about bolstering your mental health?

Exactly once my youngest started school I was back in the workplace. During my hiatus I went to college at night and qualified in a different field. If you've nerve problems see the GP

I love how in a lot of occasions 'panic attacks' curb someone's ability to go out and work...😁. How convenient..

@LoyalMember what are you insinuating?

You think I should have gone into work even though I couldn't stop crying, hyperventilating, wasn't sleeping at all and had incapacitating headaches / migraines?

I should have gone to work even when a GP, a psychiatrist and a psychologist had signed me off work?

At the beginning of my time off my anxiety levels were through the roof, by the time I had finished my CBT course, my anxiety levels were 'normal' - I just needed a bit of time and support.

I am not sure what OP has gone through and if she's working on it but good mental health needs to be worked on, the same as physical health.

Do you assume that panic attacks = skiving?

No, it isn’t. Are you a landlord? What is your net profit each year? Market value is profit in your pocket minus the cost of….
Tenant finder fee, management fee, vacant periods (plus redecorating, cleaning and paying all utilities and council tax), non payment of rent (up to 12 months), cost of court order and bailiffs and fixing any damage. Trust me £350 is not eating into his profits and is saving him a lot of time consuming issues.

Tenant finder fee, management fee,

These are not mandatory at all.

No they are not but OP has other properties that they don’t manage themselves, this is why OP says sisters discount isn’t really that big.