DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

You can’t work because you ‘can’t deal with the pressure’ - give me strength.

There are so many low pressure jobs you could take that would mean you could contribute financially.

Receptionist, retail worker (in a quieter shop) etc

And are you doing anything to try and better your mental health so you can work?

Your DH is clearly cracking and I don’t blame him at all. I am totally on his side - it’s likely this holiday is a straw that broke the camels back situation where it’s just all getting too much for him.

Do you know the ins and outs of the financial situation with the BTL’s? Maybe they’re not doing so well and he’s starting to think he needs to charge market rate for your sisters flat, or up the rent a little and now he’s worried she can’t afford it if she’s paying for this holiday.

It’s insane how people attack on mn, if op doesn’t feel able to work (and from her few lines on the subject I’d guess it doesn’t touch anything, it’s 6 o clock Sunday morning and I’ve been awake hours trying to figure out how to get two of my kids home from school because the person who collects and now a number of other people who aren’t available can’t get them home while I’m in work), it doesn’t effect you if you don’t have the same option of one person covering household bills instead.

Yes her dh is probably getting fed up but that’s for them to talk about. Op if it’s her first holiday it’s sad that she has to justify it but I think her time with your family helping is probably coming to an end, hopefully your dh can just cut the cord and not ties to her because that would be sad

If your DH is having issues with supporting your sister, and around you not working, you need to do something about both.
I think you need to do whatever you can to tackle your mental health and get a job that allows you financial independence. I understand that mental health issues can be a barrier to working, but some of us have no choice but to work. At this rate, you're going to find yourself with no DH as he's walked out, and the stress of benefits and all the pressure of being expected to apply for jobs.
For your sister, you probably need to up the rent to market value, minus what percentage management fee you would be paying a letting agent. Stop helping her out so much if it's causing ructions.

I agree that you need to listen to DHs underlying message of “I don’t want to be a cash cow for two adult women”

Be proactive about your MH (for your sake as much as his). If he decides that he is not being heard, and walks away, you would not have the luxury of opting out, declaring work too stressful.More resilience in the face of pressure will help you in all areas of life.

Op, I think you need to find a way to contribute to your household in a financial way. Your husband is resenting carrying all the financial load.
Can you formulate a way for you to manage the rental properties? You could save money on EA.
Can the rental properties be more profitable?
Can you work one day per week?

Make a point of listing all that you do contribute to your household - it will be a lot. Your DH needs to be aware of your contributuions of - taxi service, cleaning, cooking, shopping, mending, making clothes, growing vegetables and child care.

Your sister's arrangement is fine.
That's what families do - they help each other out if it is easy to do so.
You helping them a little has meant that they can take a well earnt inexpensive family holiday. That is reasonable.
Your DH should feel proud that he has helped.

Make sure that the discount rent is the only way in which you help financially and put the rent up each year to match inflation. Reneg on the discount if your situation changes, making it too difficult.

How does someone who chooses not to work contribute more to a household than a person who chooses to work? People who works still do housework so how?

Im with your DH here

Your sister is taking the piss and so are you
Why should he be supporting your sister and you not even putting a cent in? You being a SAHM only saves for YOUR house. It dont cover what your sister is taking and not giving anything back in return

If i were him id be putting her rent at market value or she can GTFO
If you want to support her, you find money to do that

I would be super pissy that she is going on holiday when she cries poor needing one of your houses under market value

This is all too vague to be able to comment properly. We have no idea if your sister is a single mother, or whether she has a partner earning. We have no idea if your husband is resentful of you not working. You are being very vague regarding how much financial help your sister is being given and how ‘well off’ you and your husband are financially and whether he’s just being tight.
It really would help if you painted a clearer picture of the actual situation

She shouldn't be able to get PIP. Why should tax payers pick up the tab for the OP?

Read through the thread. Evasive and work shy springs to mind.

Evasive and work shy springs to mind
Yes and full of excuses

The majority think the OP is being unreasonable but she wants to continue sitting at home while her husband pays for it all, and in subsidising his SIL. He has basically paid for her holiday and he has a right to be annoyed.

You and your sister are taking your DH for a ride. Stop making excuses and get a job and pay for your own sister

OP you’ve unilaterally decided you won’t work and you husband has to be sole provider and he is also not making any profit on his rental property.

of course he is fuming if he is feeling the financial pressure. Your kids are in school, find some low stress/pressure work.

do something part time or on the weekends

I can see it from his point of view TBH. He'll be asking why if she is going on holiday when he is receiving so much less rent. I do think buying additional things and gifts is a bit of a stretch but can see how renting to her serves your purposes and hers. I understand also why you can't work due to mental health but I also understand that is must be so much pressure on him needing to support so many people. I don't think giving her any notice to quit the property is particularly helpful but all the additional bits need to stop. It must be horrible for her not having had a holiday for three years and she is probably unaware of the way things are, she is paying the agreed amount each month and has probably been saving up.Is anything you can do yourself at all to contribute financially. I've been the sole earner and it's hard. Even something low key and part time.? Can your sister improve her circumstances at all can her partner if she has one earn more?

£350 a month is unlikely to be "a little" below market rent - but I did ask for the percentage and the fact that you chose to give a cash figure instead suggests it's 25% or more. You dont necessarily have to have an EA, especially if you are not in paid work. Is this net subsidy more than £50 a month or is your "little" still £100+ a month.

We dont know if you contributed to acquiring the BTL's or not and I dont think that matters. Nor does your husband having such a good income that you can dismiss £350 a month as a small amount or claim £1.5k on a holiday is "hardly splashing the cash". I wonder how much more of your husband's money you splash.

You've also helped your sister financially in the past and most people would feel obliged to repay some of that before spending £1.5k on a holiday.

Are you receiving any treatment for your poor response to stress? Are you looking for any PT work to ease your way back into working? Or do you spend your days spending your husband's money, maybe even running him into debt?

Very few people would blame your husband if he upped and left.

As you’re not working, why don’t you manage the BTL? Then you won’t need to pay an EA every month and your husband would have extra money each month.

Please also stop any pressure on DH to pay for your sister’s holidays or anything else. You are all taking advantage of him.

YABU and I hope your husband wises up that he is being treated like a doormat by his wife and his sister.

You’d be getting a better deal by renting to your sister lower than the market rate. She’s long term and you do t have to bare the costs every time a tenant moves out. Also, if she’s looking after the property well, I’d be happy with this.

That’s a huge amount for a mini break! I understand the ‘desperation for a holiday feeling’ but you can do that out of season for 200 at haven. Dh should up the rent

I would suggest that if your sister is low paid she is entitled to benefits throughU.C. and as her LL hasseveral other BTL then it wouldn't be a problem getting U.C. to pay the amount of housing rent.

The LL could easily put the rent up a fair amount this year - but after that it would have to be in line with inflation from October this year.

Your sister claims benefits and pays the rent like every other tenant.

Its not wrong to claim benefits to help with rent

What is wrong is wanting to control someones life as they did a favour

So your DH is supporting your sister financially and you can't understand why he's annoyed that she's gone on a holiday costing £1,500 ~ in fact, you call it 'hardly splashing the cash' .

I don't think you live in the real world if that amount of money is unimportant to you . Your sister is taking advantage of your DH .

The reduced rent is reasonable if it suits you and your DH not to have to worry about other tenants, but I understand why your DH is annoyed if he is supporting your sister financially in other ways.

I'm sorry you're unable to work. I assume you have a lot of support for parenting as that requires many of the same effort and skills as paid employment.

I do think your view of how much 1500 pounds is is perhaps affected by not having current experience of how long it takes to earn that much. It's not a small sum if you have to work for it.

You and your sister are grifting

Well I think the fact that you call a weeks holiday a "mini break" and say that a £1500 is "hardly splashing the cash" makes you sound quite spoilt and out of touch.

You need to get back to work and contribute and you might value money and your husband's wage a bit more.

There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent if its what both parents agree on, but it sounds like your husband is under a lot of pressure supporting you all and you and your family are taking the piss, especially when your kids are at school.

I understand why your husband feels the way he does. He must think he’s working to support everyone and has had enough. I think you both need to discuss what’s next.
I know you said you cannot work due to stress and pressure but maybe there’s something you could do ever for one day a week?

I think you also need to discuss what’s next regarding your sisters rent. £350 less than what you can get elsewhere is still a lot of money. I know she hasn’t been on a holiday for a while but your husband feels that they are saving the money for other things. Even increasing her rent slowly over the next few years is better than keeping it as it is and your husband resenting you,

Surely the sister is actually supporting the DH by paying rent on the property?
It may be under market value but it’s obviously a figure that covers costs. She’s buying the house for them.
As Op says it’s a good deal for both of them.