DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

You can have multiple buy to lets but with BTL mortgages having risen so much some landlords are struggling now.

Since you and DH have multiple BTLs, I assume you are using an EA for the other properties since you mentioned an EA.

Why don't you make your 'job' managing the BTL properties rather than incurring the EA fees?

@WhoMeMissYesYouMiss so basically anytime anyone doesn’t feel like working or feels anxious about work:can’t cope with work - we should all be entitled to PIP -despite OP it seems not being affected in her daily life apart from not feeling ‘up to work’ - bollocks to that- and I’m a centre left voter.

@justasking111 and I suspect that’s what has happened here - ate all these BTLs mortgaged OP - ?? Because it could be your H has bitten off more than he can chew and that’s what all this is about

Working isn’t the only way to contribute to a household.

The OP has refused to say how much the rent is, so not sure how you can assume that 10-15% is 350 or anywhere close to that. If rent is something like 1,500, then the discount is more than double possible fees.

So you have both been paying your sister money for years, or is it your DH who pays your sister? Why are you / DH paying their way and since you / DH are, then how can they afford to go on holiday if they cannot pay standard outgoings which I presume are mortgage or rent, bills and food and clothing? Vague indeed.

I am quoting the OP.

She says it’s very similar so the discount is marginal and there isn’t much in it

I can understand your husband feeling put out if he's subsidising someone's housing and they've got enough money to save for a holiday as a result.

It's family though - Life on the breadline is no fun; everyone deserves a treat at some point in their lives...have you put it to him like that?

Still, taking it out on you is completely out of order. If it's making him 'seeth' he can simply stop doing it and up the rent.

I think it’s a very clear “YABU”

I have bad mental health. 3 children. I still work.

you are being unreasonable expecting him to support both of you. No wonder he’s pissed off

If it’s a mutual agreement then yes you’re right. However this isn’t and the husband sounds like he is running out of patience having her stay at home - with school age kids.
Apply for PIP if that bad otherwise she needs to seek help and get back to work

She also very much minimizes the support, maximizes her stress, and tries to paint her DH is the worst light possible while avoiding any actual details.

I think the DH should divorce her, and split the assets (even though he probably paid for them, they're married, so..), she and her sister can take it from there.

PIP is not means tested, if she genuinely can’t work due to health reasons she may well be entitled to it. She states if her DH wasn’t earning so much she’d be on benefits. Although I’m not sure if that would work if she has income from BTL properties.

i will admit I know little to noting about the benefits system other than pip being the only non means tested benefit.

All of those implying that OP has been freeloading and/or that the properties were bought with ‘his’ money.

Do you think her DH has done 50/50 on all parenting, shitwork, life admin, mental load since they got together ?

If so he will be one in a million.

In the vast majority of families where both parents work, the woman works far longer hours overall than the man.

And often, that is the cause of burnout and subsequent mental health problems.

The patriarchy can’t have it both fucking ways.

A week is not a mini break. It's a proper holiday.

The problem is there are so few details that assumptions are being made - not helped by the fact the initial post implies something very different to under market rent.

that said under market rent to a family member often isn’t allowed under a mortgage so it is likely they could own it outright and it is a mutually beneficial arrangement and doesn’t give him the right to monitor how the sisters money is spent

OP hasn’t presented it as a mutually beneficial situation, she’s presented it as her husband being fed up of financially supporting her sister, especially when he’s the only one working.

If she’s dependent on his financial contributions then he absolutely does get to have an
opinion on what’s she’s spending on.

I agree with him actually!

I agree with both your sister and your husband, and it must be shit for you stuck in the middle.

£1.5K + food and trips is a huge amount of money to spend on a holiday, especially when you can’t afford rent. That is nearly 6 payments months of the £350 because of your husband being g a high earning and therefore you able to afford to subsidise her. Maybe you husband is feeling under pressure to stay in his job and this has flipped him over the line. If it’s high earning I can’t imagine it’s easy and he has had to sacrifice a lot to get there and to keep it .

I do support your sister going on holiday. She might feel better which will improve her quality of life and that’s a good thing.

One parent can't just decide that they will be the full time carer. It's a partnership. Expecting your partner to share some of the financial burden is not patriarchal. Especially in this situation where the OPs sister is also being subsidised.

Then you need to get better! If it’s mental Ill health then get help/ counselling / GP, you can obviously afford it.

Don’t be so passive and sort something out because if your DH walks you will have to step up.
It’s notable he’s getting fed up so you need to talk about solutions.

Agree, although even £1,500p/m is significantly over the average monthly rental amount in the UK (£1250, although it obviously varies significantly by region).