DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

There are few people who cannot do a single thing employment wise. Are you being treated for your mental health difficulties? I think it would be a great idea for you to think about your options for something part time, or your own small business or something.

It is hard to carry the whole financial burden for a family and your husband is working to support your family plus your sister's. It would be good for you to contribute too. If you are too incapacitated to work, might you be able to claim PIPS to enable you to contribute?

Each person in a partnership should be putting in roughly same numbers of hours into household. If her DH is working 40 hours a week for example, then she could get a part time job for 20 hours, still leaving 20 hours for housework, school drop offs pick ups, taking to activities etc.
My DH works full time, I work equivilant of 4 days, so I do more of the child related activities, housework etc during the week, and it's equally shared at weekends, we both put roughly the same hours into supporting the household per week.

OP, would you say you put same number of hours into your household as DH overall? If not, I can see why he is getting annoyed.

My DH works full time, I work equivilant of 4 days, so I do more of the child related activities, housework etc during the week, and it's equally shared at weekends, we both put roughly the same hours into supporting the household per week.

Sounds like a great partnership @Bushmillsbabe

I can kind of see his point.

Financially supporting 2 women was unlikely to have been on his bingo card for what he wanted from adult life.
£350 off a £1500 rent is a substantial amount and not to be sniffed at. And you permanently opting out of work because you found it a bit stressful is just silly.

Or even not 'presuming'? The female martyrdom on MN is so funny.

I'd continue supporting my sister, as honestly it does not even sound like there is bankrolling of a lavish lifestyle (or even close to that). I think the problem here is that your husband calls the shots for whatever reasons, and he has also accumulated resentment against you (for not working) and your sister.

There's obviously a huge back story here. Why is he having financially help your Sister. I don't mean the occasional lending money but a BIL being expected to give her money constantly is unheard of. I bet he often feels like he's married to her as well as you.
Your DH is validly thinking of she can afford a holiday why am I putting !y hand in my pocket.

Of course he has a point. If you're (he's) financially supporting her then surely it's only for necessities, not luxuries like a holiday especially if you and him aren't able to go away. No wonder he's pissed off.

I’m from Australia and leaving the country costs that much!!!

But if I couldn’t afford full rent then I wouldn’t be going on an overseas trip !!!

I don't kn ow why we have people posting nasty comments to t he OP calling her a moron and a sponger. Whether she works or not is neither nor there. It still wouldn't put her and her DH under any obligation.

So what does this refusing to support her financially any more look like?

Carry on with the rent but no more helping out with anything else?

Sounds fine to me.

@LoyalMember where has she said they can’t go away or are struggling in any way at all ?? - they own multiple BTLs

This really is one of those threads where you need to read the full thread or at least look atOPs posts - because the initial post really isn’t anything like the actual circumstances- this is not a couple on their uppers- giving someone a below market level rent when it maybe suited the DH initially to do that isn’t ’supporting’ , the implication of ‘supporting’ was he was paying for all their bills etc- he isn’t. yes I agree that the odd bit of shopping of stuff is but I don’t think it’s lots and to be if the OP and DH are comfortably off ( and they own other BTLs too) then it’s up to OP and her DH whether she works or not. Theres more to this as I’ve said, I suspect DH all of a sudden has bitten off more than chew with BTLs , highly leveraged etc- rates gone up. I think there needs to be a conversation had here .

How convenient - ever wondered about your husbands MH?

How convenient - ever wondered about your husbands MH?

why does everyone on this thread assume mh issues are something tiny, for all you know op has extreme issues and ended up in a hospital or something!!!

Finding a tenant and doing references etc will also cost a months rent.

Perhaps he would prefer to have a tenant that is only a tenant, where market rent is charged and there is no family relationship to complicate matters. Strictly business, and can very well be infinitely preferable even if it appears, on the surface, to be less beneficial than dealing with a family member.

Depending on their financial planning, these BTL properties may solely be his, so it would be unwise to assume OP would be taking any of them with her in the event of a divorce.

That OP’s husband has money does not mean OP’s sister is entitled to benefit from that and have it spent on her. It’s one thing if it’s willingly given and gratefully received, but quite another if it’s expected as something due. I’d take being called ‘tight’ over being called, and treated as, a mug.

I have read it all. The op’s husband is beginning to resent op. He feels she should be working. When one person starts to feel like a cash cow - it’s game over. I imagine something has changed. High salaries often come with high pressure. Maybe he is pissed off with the pressure that brings and running BTLs. Equally costs are rising. It is that simple, it’s in ops own words. Resentment has started to kick in and not only that, they are giving op’s sister a huge financial advantage and he is getting resentful about that. Given op’s situation - I suggest she heed that warning or sort out her paperwork. That’s not a marriage that will last.

I'd raise the rent by £150 per month.

By working in house, cooking, cleaning, drop and pick up kids from school, help them with homework, provide them support in any ways they need while high income dh is working. In many cultures, a woman not working after marriage and kids is normal. And the kids thrive and become high functioning adults. The only drawback is she could be financially vulnerable, but you are not talking about that.
Just before you are doing 2 jobs, taking care of home, kids plus working outside, does not mean op does not contribute to her household.
She is doing job of house keeper, nanny, cook and taxi service in a high income household, which means her professional replacement(s) could be charging more. So she is working, just not like you.

Her sister is a different matter, she is getting help from family. Op's dh is entitled to change his mind about help. If he respects op's contribution to household he may want to take op's option on the matter and they jointly try decide how much they can or want to help. If he thinks he should individually decide, op has a right to express her views separately to a friend or on anonymous forum.

Maybe she doesn't have to because he has no MH issues. Do you know her husband to know about his MH more than she does?

You can list as many jobs as you like. The bottom line is do they have equal free time? Yes he'll have more free time than he would if she was working and they were sharing the load but he's working FT is she genuinely cooking cleaning etc for 40 hours every single week?

OP hasn’t said she does any of that. For all we know her MH issues prevent her from keeping on top of housework as well.

@Andwhoisasking may well be the case , but we don’t know he resents her not working - it may well be as I’ve said it’s tighter for him than it has been - in which case what’s needed is an honest conversation between the two of them and either put his SIL rent up if he resents it being below market level or sell a buy to let ( they have several) or actually tell OP she needs to get some therapy and a job as the situation has changed- by laying it all on SIL because she’s dared to have a rare holiday as he’s so magnanimous I think is very unfair- it’s not as if they are living there for free-

How is it relevant what cultures OP and her husband aren’t part of do? And how do you know that OP does indeed do all the above?

One spouse staying at home while the other takes on the financial burden has to be agreed upon by both, which in this case it isn’t.

Her husband has made it apparent that he’s becoming increasingly resentful of both her and her sister.