DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

I initially put YABU but then read that it was just a reduction in rent from the market value of a property, you have a reliable tennant, and you are saving the EA fees as she pays you directly. So I have changed it to YANBU. He's hardly sending her money and I'm sure you're not making a loss on the BTL rent as the market is ridiculously inflated, not gouging her for the "market rate" is hardly subsidising her.

I will say though if he's starting to resent you not working, could you possibly consider going back part time? I say this as someone who suffers with ADHD, anxiety and depression (although the latter two conditions come in peaks and troughs) you may find you have to try a few things before you find the right fit, maybe just a few hours a week and build your confidence? BTW does your husband actually work or is he just a landlord?

I've changed my answer, it benefits your OH to rent to someone he knows.

Never mix family and finances. I appreciate having a mate’s rates rent is a grey area but if you DH is annoyed at this then clearly the situation isnt sustainable

Presumably OP does all the housework - laundry, gardening, cleaning, cooking, etc, plus looking after their shared children, packed lunches, taking to hobbies, sorting PE kit, end of year presents for teacher, presents and cards etc for DH's family, life admin. What value is put on that? If OP gets a job or pt job, is DH going to help with any of her work in the home / for the household?

How old are you children now OP? And when was the last time your tried to work? Your post is quite vague on the timings here.

Realistically some people are so mentally unwell they will never work. That happens but from what you’ve said your issue is stress rather than psychosis and if that’s the case, it would be most likely good for you to try and be on some form of employment even if only a few hours a week at first. Your husband most likely has expectations that he wouldn’t be the sole earner forever, is feeling a degree of pressure and the subsidised rent is the final nail in the coffin.

Managing a rental property is not really a job.
We've got one that is mortgaged and one that was inherited. The money goes into our bank. If there's a problem we call a plumber or an electrician or whatever. And i keep a spreadsheet of the finances. On a day to day basis that is not a job. In 5 years between 2 properties I've had one callout for something that needed doing on the day and maybe 3 or 4 things that needed fixing. The gas cert is once a year and it's just booked in for the next year. The electrician certificate is 5 years. Inspections are every 6 to 12 months and take about half hour.
That is not a job.

@Sallymeblue I think you need to be very careful with your husband. He's not happy. You admit you'd have to survive on benefits without him.

If your sister can afford a holiday of £1500 she can afford to pay more rent. Maybe not the full £350 extra, but certainly £150 a month more. I work full-time. Haven't had a holiday for at least 10 years. They're not something everyone gets.

Your sister is taking the piss. And by supporting her, you are too. But you'll both be screwed if he leaves you.

My question would be whether you have spare money and can afford your own holidays. I think if you guys have plenty of money and knowing how expensive rent is, then I think your DH is a bit mean to basically say "oh you can finally afford a holiday, well no more of those, give that money to me". Personally I couldn't enjoy having spare money if a close family member was struggling and I could help a bit. However if things are tight for you guys as well, or your DH is working himself into the ground then I get his point.

I feel for your husband.

This would end it for me. He's supporting you (I appreciate you look after the DC) and his sister and yet she has over £1k to go on holiday.

Working when you have children is stressful but some of us have to do it. You need a job because one day he might decide to leave and then what?

I can’t quite believe sorting pe kit and an end of year teacher present have been cited as work for a sahm… sorting cleaning and cooking yes but no-one is suggesting she goes straight into full time work. Doing even 10-15 hours would still leave a ton of free time and would help reduce her husband’s resentment and probably be quite good for her mental health.

If you can get more for it but not - your being ripped off.
Insurances aint based on feelies, they are based on value so while she is paying less in rent, insurance on the property will still be market value of the house. Which renting at market value wouldnt be an issue at all but under?

Working for both of them? what the sister and OP, the situation needs to work for all 3 of them and it dont sound like it is working for her DH

Both of them are treating him as a mere cash cow

£350 a month is £4200 a year, that’s quite a lot of money.

If OP cannot work due to mental health, she should apply for PIP which would alleviate some stress on the household finances. People saying husband is not supporting the sister because he rents at below market rate are wrong - it’s currently not on the market because it has a tenant - the sister! If he put it on the open market and couldn’t find a tenant, that’s his problem but he can’t try that at the moment. Being able to save £350 on rent a month compared to private rent is a HUGE financial support.

I agree with you @Bunnycat101 but her contribution is still worth something, and gives DH more free time as she does all the household stuff, it just didn't seem to be mentioned in the pile-up on OP. Yes to getting a small pt job to get back into the habit of working, but would |DH help with anything around the house then? Or should he expect not to have to as he brings in the money and her pt job, if she got one, would really be just pocket money.?

Hrtft but you could get work term time in a school.Dinner lady or in the kitchens etc.Thats what I did and it's low pressure and stress.

It isn't a job, but it being done by OP, who doesn't work, would mean not paying management fees. It could be rented for full market rate and bring her H (and her by extension) another £4k ish per year. One of the reasons for them not renting at full rate via an agent was that it wouldn't bring them any extra income because of management fees.

We’re going to be in a similar situation and with the tax we pay on the small profit from renting to private tenants, renting to family doesn’t leave us in a particularly different situation.

However, adults who are capable of working should be working and contributing to society. School age children without disabilities do not require a full time sahp. If there is money sloshing around as you say, you need to spend that on your mental health so you can get back on your feet. I don’t see how your marriage will last if your dh feels he is propping up you and your sister and if you split where does that leave you and her? Could you afford to sub her with your half of the assets and still not work yourself?

The reason we do it ourselves is it's literally next to no work. As far as the EA is concerned it's money for nothing.

It isn't his sister. It is the sister of his non-earning, non-contributing wife. So his sister-in-law who is taking the piss.

I kind of understand your husband, he’s working to support you and your sister, sounds like some resentment is building. What are you doing about your mental health to enable you to go back to work and contribute?

Err. A mini break is alot less then a week/£1500
That's a full blown holiday even if somewhere "crap"

I think it's obviously not working for your husband though & it might be time to look for work/a new tennant

Simple solution is to increase the rent to market rate.

Evicting family is not going to work. As for OP, your DH issue with supporting you as a SAHM is a different issue to your sister's. Work that one out together, and cut to the chase re sister's rent. I'd increase it gradually over say six months, but it would make the point I think.

You need to get a job
all working mums are stressed and pressured if you have mental health you pro actively go to doctor work with therapist, exercise and sort your self out, unless you have long term ( schizophrenia etc) or recurring depression anxiety , bad mental ill health should be a mini break not a lifestyle choice I recommend getting a good therapist ( which you pay for )

there is a job out there that will pay a £100 a week people are always looking for cleaners

put rent up by £200 but you give her the £200 from your wages and you treat husband / family with the other £200a month

You are in very precarious position here - whatever MN’ers say backing you. You have massively pissed your husband off and he’s resentful. I can see why. He is subbing your sister. Whichever way you spin it, he is. She’s got enough spare cash to go on holiday but not pay full market rent.

This has blown up because he’s resentful of you. To be honest, I would be in his shoes. There doesn’t seem any intention of you working. Stress, mental health, yeah along with most of the population. He is telling you he’s unhappy with the status quo and you’re ignoring it.

What are you going to do when he has decided he’s had enough and leaves? Spousal maintenance isn’t really a thing nowadays. Courts expect both parents to be contributing to their children. I’d think about it.