DH refusing to financially help sister after she went on holiday.

[Sallymeblue]

I need to keep this as vague as possible. We are financially supporting me sister and have been doing so for several years. This year for the first time, in a very long time, her family are going on holiday and this has enraged DH. He is seething that we are supporting whilst they are going to holiday, he doesn't think they should expect help and go on holiday.

He is taking his anger out on me because I don't work due, and be feels I dont contribute to the household and he support me and my sister

Beware of posting anything on mumsnet if you are a pretty comfortably off SAHP - all those struggling somewhat will pile in and won’t read the full thread- or they will read it but think you should go and Bea carer or dinner lady or something anyway- not sure if any of these posters would rush to do these jobs if they had plenty of money coming in- the fact is this family have multiple buy to let’s, not just one, they aren’t struggling- and ‘if’ the OPs husband is suddenly getting nit picky because it’s tighter it’s most likely he’s massively overstretched himself on buy to let’s because he got greedy and rates have gone up !! and now is taking out on the OPs sister when the agreement suited him just fine it seems for quite a long time

OP not working is a different thing- if her h resents it that’s one thing she needs to think about and personally I would feel vulnerable but there’s plenty of non working parents on mumsnet and I don’t see them all being told to get out there- and that includes ones claiming too - this couple clearly don’t need the cash - maybe we need to get at all the over 50s who have chucked in jobs and are now sat on their arses enjoying life- if things actually are right at OPs end then maybe he needs to cash in one of hisBTLs-

original post was very misleading indeed- they aren’t ‘supporting her sister ‘
over and above a bit cheaper rent to save fees etc. so as far as I’m concerned sister can have her holiday and spend what she likes. we rent quite big houses and once got £260 off the monthly rent in a similar way ( not family though) -at no point did I ever think ‘oh xxxx is supporting us’ just seemed a good business deal for him as he knew we had a really good long term track record, were decently high earners etc

Not really - I’m one of those hated 6 figure earners and I was a SAHM for a while too. Op is in a very vulnerable position and it’s of her own making.

OP has no idea she thinks a week away at £1500 is hardly splashing the cash?!?! That’s nuts

OP’s sister is the boy that cried wolf … she’s claimed poverty but then saved for a massive family holiday

Yes, you’d be on benefits because you’ve decided you can’t work. This “stress and anxiety” reasoning for not working is the exact thing these forthcoming benefits are supposed to address. Have you ever seen a doctor about it or just decided to stay at home?

I didn't understand that either £1500 is huge sum of money for a holiday.

I think you need to make clear what’s going on. Are you loaded? High-earning husband, all these BTL properties… If so, then I can see why your husband might still say something about the holiday, but really it’s up to your sister to make him feel adequately seen/ thanked/ the big man. Your not having a job is neither here nor there. Lots of rich families only have one income.

If that’s not the case, then I imagine the issue is as much you as her.

Finding work stressful and feeling less happy while working than while not working is not a reason not to work.

The argument about benefits is a non-starter. It may be that you would in fact be on benefits if you weren’t married to your husband. But, from everything in these posts, you shouldn’t be.

@Andwhoisasking I somehow don’t think she is in a truly vulnerable position with ‘multiple ‘ BTLs ) she said it’s not their only one) and is married unless they have very little equity - although not working isn’t a choice I would make-

So your husband is working to run your household while you are too stressed to work. And he’s having to forego the full value of the family assets to support your sister who is off on holiday.

Is this thread a joke? Your poor husband.

And can’t help wondering if the ‘I would be on benefits’ is a figure of speech. She certainly wouldn’t be with substantial assets

Ever heard of outsourcing?

This is pretty harsh. You don't know her that well to make such strong opinion.

They don’t. It’s just a myth non-working have created to manage their insecurity because they know they don’t work. Being at home is not working. No matter how much you kid yourself that it is.

And not working because of the new ‘bad back’ of mental health is just a an absolute insult to people with real mental health issues.

It’s not wrong though.

Exactly!
One of OP's excuses for sticking with the status quo is that it would cost more to use an agent. When they don't have to do that. The current set up is costing them £4k a year in lost opportunity.

While OP does nothing because work is too stressful. I find work stressful. But needs must. If OP can't/won't engage with paid employment, then it would make better financial sense for the property to be rented for maximum not to family.

Lots of holidays and frivolous spending, I could understand his attitude but first holiday in years, no. It seems mean and controlling that he is not happy for her to have a chance to relax. Given that you are avoiding the EA fees it doesn't sound like the annual loss to you is much more than the cost of her holiday and this is the first time she has done this. Clearly she would struggle without this arrangement or she'd be holidaying every year. Even if she did, if you have the means to support a more disadvantaged family member with no real impact on your own family lifestyle, I can not understand why he is so 'enraged'. I do wonder if this is more about the dynamic between you and your husband with him seeing her as an extension of you. It sounds like he doesn't value your contribution to the family as a SAHM and doesn't understand your health condition. Just because lots of ill/disabled people have to work doesn't mean you are wrong not to if it impacts your health badly and as a couple can afford for you not to work. I'm assuming here that you are as proactive in managing your condition as you can be. If you are, then he is being unreasonable. It sounds like your marriage is not the partnership it should be. Can you work on that? I wonder if you need support to value yourself more and be more assertive?

Whereas I am looking at that and don’t think it seems that much? Maybe in the UK but not overseas? I am looking at a similar cost for 5 days in Paris.

What are you doing about your MH to enable you to get back to work? I’d be resentful too if I was your DH, op.

But they don’t outsource so what is the relevance? If those jobs are called “work” if you pay somebody to do it, why is it not “work” if OP does it?

This is the thing. If you earn your own money, it gives you an independence that you won't have otherwise. Ultimately, you'll have better MH for it. Your husband probably isn't relishing the fact that he's subsiding your sister's rent but his irritation was probably also peeked by the fact that he feels you aren't pulling your weight. His old are the kids op?

You've obviously got a close family, perhaps they could help you with a bit of childcare, so you could get a part time job?

Although I completely understand people 's choice to be SAHP, to liken it to working for an employer/self employed business is disingenuous. Can't have it both ways, "I have to be a SAHM because of my MH" and "Being a SAHM is like having a stressful job, same thing."

Gotta make your mind up what you think about things, more importantly, what does your husband think.

@Yoonimum that’s how I see it too- as I see it giving a discount to save other costs off rent is hardly a situation to get enraged about if she goes on a rare holiday - I think there’s more to it - he’s either pissed off the OP doesn’t work or has mortgaged themselves up to the eyeballs on a load of buy to let’s and it’s not working out.

My other point @Sallymeblue aside from the benefits of a good paying tenant/lack of EA fees is to ask how many years since your sister went on holiday?

If it's 10 years, then the holiday cost of £150/year is about £12.50/month. 5 years, it's £25/month. Not a lot! Do you know the source of funding? Has it gone on a credit card, did they win on a lottery ticket or did your own parents or your BIL parents fund all/some of it. Or did they cut all sweet treat/takeaways/chocolates/birthday presents for a few years to save up?
Not really your DH's business how they choose to spend their money - would he complain if they had had a family meal out in a pub once a month which would cost a LOT more than saving for 2 years for this holiday?

As he feels so cross, maybe suggest to your husband perhaps it's time to raise their rent slightly, especially if he hasn't in recent years (in which case he can 'recoup' the freeloading amount(in his eyes) being spent on holiday) ? It might make him feel better if you did the research.
Look at when was it last raised vs how much have your costs eg BTL mortgage, costs of repairs, repairs that will be due/cost of certification and also the costs needed to upgrade the property in line with new legislation that might be coming in or whatever, and also by what % has the average rental price locally risen ?

Bloody hell I was anxious at some point in my every working day - full time for 33 years!!!!

I think you and your sister have been taking the piss and I hope he sheds the dead weight of you both ASAP.

Of course I've heard of outsourcing - what's that got to do with OP's or my post?