Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

It sounds like your (family’s) expectations are very clearly outlined, it’s a lot harder if it’s vague.

'in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.'

Not sure what you mean here, OP. Your family consists of DH, DC and a long-distance Aunt, but your family puts a lot of effort and time into birthdays. It sounds as if you were expecting them not to bother much for your 40th, but why, if they usually put a lot of effort in for all family members?

It was odd of DD not to wrap your present, is that usual for her?

I’m not sure there’s an abundance of ideas for a surprise present based on what people like as a treat, it doesn’t always translate into being extra special present worthy, especially if you’ve been together years.

@Laststraw25 So, you know what to do for DH's and DCs' next birthdays - cards only, nothing else. Literally, nothing else. See how they like being disregarded.

We talk and listen, it’s easy to pick up on ideas for special birthdays.
No one demands we buy x,y or z for their birthdays, but we know what they like and sometimes hints are dropped! When they were small we couldn’t afford really big birthday treats, but even then we would try to think of something they would like, and a few balloons, cake etc doesn’t take much effort. The OPs family didn’t make her feel special and that hurts.

At 20? They've probably grown out of it by now. I expect it will come as a relief to everyone in this family to drop the rope on birthdays, and make them less of a stressful big deal all round.

I was referring to you telling her to grow up

Birthdays are important to people of all ages, She is also very upset so you were unnecessarily unpleasant to her

My adult kids and friends still enjoy celebrating their birthdays

You misunderstand me. I actually think it would help her to evolve past letting this sort of thing hurt her (i.e. grow up). We all get hurt in life and people we love let us down. I think this is particularly true of motherhood. This is the kind of advice I would give myself, I was not just dealing it out blindly. And I still think it was good advice.

Encouraging people to sweat the small stuff doesn't 'help'

I think this is more than a birthday problem, and you perhaps need to unpack some of your deeper feelings.

Also, the more pressure you put on others, the more likely they are to steer clear.

I think it’s a case of the OP felt undervalued, hurt and disappointed at the lack of thought
given to her birthday, and rightly so. Her daughters and husband would not have liked it if she had treated them in the same way on their birthdays!

We barely celebrate birthdays now my kids are grown (early 20s). A present and cake (no cards) is the extent of it. That has been by my direction as I find any more than that is just another thing I have to think about. My son’s gf has the same birthday as me so I’m never going to expect to see him on that day. I am a notoriously low-key person though.

I think often men have a different idea of what a good birthday would be than women (not always obviously!). I prefer to organise my own birthday so I’m doing exactly what I want to do that day, I always have though but then again I find any type of lovebombing suspicious and I wouldn’t enjoy a surprise.

Are you so sure?
I think it sounds like the mum is the one to make a fuss about birthdays as she says 'as a family they put a lot of time and effort into them'. By family I assume she means she puts a lot of time and effort into it.
Do DH and DDs actually care about this now at this age? I don't remember being 20 and my parents making a big deal of my birthday.

I would have been perfectly happy with what OP got, so I don't know why you'd assume they would be disappointed. I do wonder if the "huge fuss at birthdays" is driven by her and no one else is particularly bothered.

My thoughts exactly.

This disappointment will pass, op. It really wasn't too bad at all.

Neither does encouraging people to put such a low value on themselves that they're willing to put up with little or no effort being made for their birthdays, if birthdays matter to them.

Seriously, it's one day in the year for OP's family to show her some appreciation of her and everything she does for them all year round. I'd have been upset too.

I’d have been disappointed had my adult daughters given me a gift in a carrier bag, and booking last minute is a let down for a 40th.
Im sorry you’re been let down and they could’ve done a bit more like plan and wrap gifts.

You asked your Dh to organise “something” for your 40th, while at the same time saying that you are dreading it and you find birthdays hard as it reminds you that you’re alone..
Then cried for the full day, as what he’d done hadn’t reached your expectations.
I don’t know about Princess behaviour, more like Drama Queen….

I don’t totally disagree. Interesting to see the overall vote is quite closely tied as well.
I think what’s squewing it for me is she expects them to “know”. And I think there are definite princessy overtones to all of her posts. I suspect she’s the type who routinely goes OTT and the rest of the family are bored with it.

I logged back into MN just so I can wholeheartedly agree with this!

I completely get how you feel, OP. I think you're absolutely reasonable to be upset and they have been horrid to you. You could have said 'I want to go to a matinee ' etc. but what you were hoping for is that someone else would do the thinking, presumably knowing what you like to do.
IMO , the people saying you are being unreasonable are just not getting it.

How are cards, gifts, cake, a lunch out etc undervaluing her.

Typically had the busiest day ever at work. Thank you for all of your posts.

Just to answer my dh definitely knows the things I love to do. With a little thought I personally feel he could have come up with something.

Lunch to be clear was a cafe on a farm it was not special in any way.

I would have preferred a nice day over any gift.

My dh knew this might be an issue as we had exactly the same problem on my 30th and he knew how much that upset me. I didn’t think it would be the same…

DD does have a long way to come, she could definitely have tried harder.

I have a chronic illness and currently being screened for cancer. I have so much going on in this dept I thought they might have understood and made an effort.

When I say we all celebrate birthdays. I do most of it for dc, dh and our friends.

It has been helpful writing this. As it’s made me realise I wasn’t asking for the world. They are the only family I have.