Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

Your daughters are vile and apart from a token card and present they'd whistle for future birthdays

I hope your DH has had a word with them

@mrsmiggins78

You are deeply unpleasant

I had my 70th not long ago and I am deeply appreciative of the fuss that was made by my family and friends. It was lovely

I assume you have told no-one to bother with yours?

But they weren't!

You know exactly what she means!

Maybe DH got the idea you didn't want a big event? Spa day sounds nice.

How is it tougher?

One of the kids didn't even turn up!

And it's the disappointment that's made it tough, not the expectations

Oh that changes things, yes absolutely YANBU. You have an issue with your DC. I think when you are less emotional you need to talk to them and let them know how you feel.

I think when it comes to birthdays you need to organise it yourself or at least have input if DH organises. With my friends I remember some because they are the ones who celebrate and i always remember the dates and ages. Some I'm not even sure of ages and may only vaguely known the month, but it's their own fault because they never asked me to celebrate with them so I assume they either don't want it acknowledged or don't value me enough to be part of it. I guess that's fair enough but they don't get to be huffy when a big birthday slides by. So have a think of how you talked about your previous birthdays or celebrate others, and maybe examine what you were portraying to them in how you value birthdays.

Which ones were meant to help?

Wow you were a young mum! Just did the maths.

You are not being unreasonable at all. On my 40th I was in the throes of leaving my ex. It was mostly mutually agree'd but he had not told his family. I specifically asked could he and his family please not make a fuss under the circumstances and they still went and threw a surprise party. I was stressed out by it at the time but it is a nice memory to look back on. I don't think I'm a princess but I do like a fairly decent birthday and I'm glad to have had my milestone birthday's marked. I probably would have said to DH you would have liked your 40th marked a bit more with something special and then said to the kids you are disappointed dad didnt do more and hope they try to make it up to you. If not you will have to move on but I'd probably make it clear they have a chance to make up for it on your 41st!!

How horrible. I'm actually not unpleasant at all. I think the OP would be happier if she didn't pin all her hopes on young adults, who are notoriously selfish.

You do realise this thread isn't about you, don't you?

Very good advice @Getupat8amnow

A milestone birthday and they gave you an unwrapped gift, presented in a Tesco bag? Sorry, I don't care if you're rubbish at gift wrapping, that's just a bit mean. I have no doubt that your husband and kids would feel upset if you presented any of them with that on their birthday.

It sounds like they enjoy having attention on their birthdays but haven't quite worked out that Mum is a whole person with feelings and deserves the same level of love and attention that she works hard to give to other people.

I would have a word with them. And telling you you're behaving like a princess?? Tell them you're having Christmas off this year and watch them sulk when it rolls round and it all doesn't just magically happen.

Well no, unless they have been brought up pretty poorly then I can't see how a 19 or 20 year old ADULT can't wrap a birthday present.

Is horse riding the sort of thing that should have been on his radar, an activity you have both enjoyed over the years? If you’re in the UK a picnic probably wouldn’t have felt like an option at this time of year.

Do you feel it’s too late now (ie too late for him to book a horse riding activity as the damage is done). What sort of things has he done in the past to show he understands your expectations (lunch, presents and cake would have totally been the full extent of my expectation for my birthday but if your tradition is to have more has he run out of ideas over the years?). I admit I’d be terrible at organising anything more than a special lunch or dinner so I would have asked you what kind of special thing you would like.

That was very rude of your grown child, I would have found that very hurtful and disrespectful and not be inclined to give more than the bare minimum when it’s their day. I’d also pull back a bit from doing everything for them.

Right. Don’t adults say - it’s my 40th coming up I’d like to do x and y.

Not - you organise something for me and if it’s the wrong thing I will feel undervalued and cry.

At the very least give him the heads up that you’re judging his efforts and measuring your own self-worth by them. Then he knows where he is.

Whats wrong with that.
Better than still doing school runs and school crap in your 50s.

Who mentioned anything wrong with anything? I'm just noting the OP is young.

I’d stop doing things for your two children, they are young adults. Let them run their own lives. Same with your DH. Immerse yourself in a new hobby or interest instead.

Im younger than op and my two have moved out.
Sometimes we see a comment and just have to ask.

That would be my nightmare. I’d actually refuse and say no you have to tell me what you want. Unless there was something glaringly obvious as a surprise - a concert ticket for their favourite band or a city in Europe they always wanted to go to, then I’m not pulling a surprise out of thin air, it feels too much like a test.

That’s a bit rude. I was doing that in my early 50s 😞

I think it's really cool that you can do this and say what you want but I don't think it's definitely the birthday persons responsibility to decide the plan. I love making secret exciting birthday plans for people I love, especially my wife. There's no way she would say she wanted anything big or expensive because she would worry it's too much. Not everyone has this ability. It makes it even more special when someone doesn't expect it and there's a lovely suprise.

What I don’t understand is all of these women married to men who appear to have no idea what they would like to do for a treat. Do they not ever talk to each other about things they like/dislike?
I don’t live with any of my friends but I would have a good idea of the things they would like to do to celebrate.
Eg Friend A would adore a spa day, but it would be Friend B’s worst nightmare; she would prefer a long hike followed by a nice pub lunch.

The OP is right to feel hurt and disappointed. No effort was made to make her feel special. I bet she makes a lot of effort for the birthdays of her husband and children . Everyone has different ideas but in our family, on milestone birthdays, banners , balloons and photos are displayed, a special cake featuring interests or hobbies is ordered and a poem from the poet laureate( me ) is read out. We club together to buy a surprise special present, eg flying lesson , dinner followed by a musical, play etc or something they’ve mentioned in the past that they’ve always wanted to do. It takes money, effort and planning well in advance, but it’s so well received and appreciated.
I’m sorry the OP had a miserable birthday, she deserved better from her thoughtless family!

See everyone is different. I hate surprises and would have to instruct my partner not to do any surprises for me.

Just to add: The only surprise I would ever like would be a trip on the Orient Express, but that’s never going to happen 😁