Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

You don't have teenagers either (ok, the 19 year old strictly is until their next birthday). You have adult children.

Coincidentally, I have 2 children of the same age. I do hardly anything for them. If you are really doing "a million things" you need to look at why. Are you being taken for granted, or just doing things out of habit? Where is your voice to ask for what you want (specifically, not in the form of generalities)?

Why even bother commenting on a thread like this when you just want to be deliberately obtuse. It's not about the Tesco bag, it's the whole act of noone putting in any effort when she had clearly asked to be made to feel special for once by people who supposedly love her and are happy to accept all the effort OP puts into their lives.

This!

its a give away to your set up that they are 19 and 20 and you are calling them teenagers, i bet they don’t think they are!

Presents cards and cake, what were you expecting - a circus?

If you want a circus, a city break in Amsterdam/Paris, a trip in an air balloon you need to say so.

Expecting other people to read your emotional needs and expectations is setting them up for failure and yourself for confirmation bias that you’re not valued.

I genuinely thought you were going to say your children were 5 and 7... not adults. Their behaviour is disgustingly entitled. Time to do absolutely nothing for their birthdays and remind them of this when they complain.

Sorry but it doesn't really make sense...if you as a family generally make a lot of effort for birthdays why would you sense it would be ignored? What has your DH planned for you previous birthdays? Maybe he felt a lot of pressure seeing as you told him it was going to be a difficult day but he should have asked for more input from you if he didn't know.

I felt let down on one of my big birthdays because nobody remembered it at all, except my mother, who sent me money. To be fair, I'm single and I didn't remind anyone. But that is what nothing looks like.

You got a cake and presents. That isn't nothing. If you'd wanted something else, you should have said so. It's as if you said 'prove you love me by organising a wonderful surprise but I'm not going tot tell you what you should do' which puts a huge burden on them.

I’m not excusing @Laststraw25‘s DCs thoughtlessness or unkind comments but I do think that being over 18 does not necessarily equal “adult” in the full sense. 18 and into the early twenties can be an age of selfishness and lack of empathy with a lot of growing up to do and a lot of neurological changes going on. Not all are like that of course but some can be very arrogant at that age in my (professional and parenting) experience.

I’ve had four DC and post 18 was the most challenging bit, precisely because of this kind of attitude (in two of them). They came good in the end.

That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have their card marked for their lack of effort. Perhaps it’s a sign OP that you need to be more demanding, not on your birthday but on the other 364 days of the year, about them doing their own running around for themselves. I’d also make sure your input and generosity for their birthdays is pared right back, not in a bolshy tit for tat way but because stepping back is generally a good policy at this stage IMHO (and an act of self preservation).

It wasn't kneejerk at all but actually quite carefully considered. We all have to get over this hump at some stage, but most of us get there before the grand old age of 40.

YANBU.

That's shit OP. Your big milestone birthday and your husband gives you am unwrapped present in a Tesco bag and your DD doesn't even show up.

You are not a princess. You deserve better.

Well said.

Expecting people to read one's mind generally results in disappointment.

sounds like kids are a pair of twats.

I would go the full Princess and stop running around after them all.

Make a list of all the things you do for them but which they could easily do for themselves. Obviously there will be joint things that it will be easier for you to keep doing.

Inform them that from now on you will no longer be doing X,Y and Z and that it's up to them.

It might sound a bit petty but it seems as if you have been taken for granted for a very long time.

Expecting people to read one's mind generally results in disappointment.

The day I learned this was the dawn of a new era! I just send my DH weblinks. It shouldn't be that way, but accepting reality is better in the long run.

Exactly. If you were going about openly saying you were dreading the birthday, it was going to be so horrible, but also "surprise me so I feel better!" they all probably were paralyzed. How on earth could anyone guess at what would make such a person feel better?

Well now you can stop saving for their 21st birthdays!

I think anyone who says they want a surprise for their birthday is setting themselves up for potential disappointment.
I think you need to be more specific. You mentioned horse riding earlier, is that something you have done before and likely your DH would even have thought of? Maybe give some options for what you want to do and with whom.
The same with organising a meal, yes your DC are adults and old enough to know better with gifts, but unless told to save the date, why would they? My DH has a milestone birthday this year, it's a work day, so will be the same as normal.
There is also the issue that people have everything they want these days, I have been thinking what to get my DH but cannot think of anything that would look worthy of a milestone birthday and would just be a waste of money so he will probably end up with small gifts and nothing significant. Or are you the type to like the tat sold in shops marking a birthday? (My MiL was super pleased at Christmas with what one of her other GC had given her and how lovely the words were...I doubt the GC had even looked and just bought it for a few quid in a card shop).
Outline what you fancy doing and then perhaps say these are what I want, chose one of them as a surprise.

Because "plan something" is so vague and I think it creates an expectation that it should be off the husband's back.

If the OP wants a big/small party, dinner, trip away etc at least give them that.

Otherwise there's a good chance that pushing the OP for details or more info is going to be seen as putting the responsibility back on them so that they're actually planning it themselves.

So you either go it alone and rush getting it badly wrong or go back to them in which case you're not actually planning something

Obviously, OP was being hyperbolic but I would assume cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping, possibly driving them places when the children were younger, buying birthday/Christmas present for the whole family (probably including her in-laws), arranging birthday celebrations for her DH and her children, etc.

OP sounds sad because she has obviously lost her parents and has no close or extended family apart from her DH and children who never do anything nice for her.

I would never ‘expect’ my children to be with me for my birthday! What a great way to put them off visiting. My mother, when I was young, and my MiL when I got married, were very demanding about visits on birthdays etc and expected me to be there, no matter what other plans I had. So much so that, when we got married, my husband and I didn’t go on honeymoon until two days after our wedding because we would have been away for FiL’s birthday! Laughable, looking back.
I was determined my children would never be put under pressure in that way.

Then her solution is to find a life for herself in hobbies or other interests, now that they are no longer children. Pinning hopes of happiness on successfully manipulating her family into guessing her secret wishes turns out not to make her happy.

Yanbu to expect some effort but I think as an adult you need to take a degree of control

This. We don’t do birthdays in general once kids reach high school age, but we do milestones (21, 40, 50 then seemingly nothing until 80). However, you organise what you want. For my 40th I wanted a certain guest list, type of restaurant with seperate dining room for a group, certain style of food. For my 50th I wanted larger group, venue, a certain vibe. I didn’t expect my family to magically know, so I organised it all myself. It was then exactly what I wanted and I was happy. Same principle for my kids 21st’s. Got them to state exactly what they wanted, then expected them to do heavy lift re planning/organising with some assistance and of course our money😁. For the 40/50th parties I stated no gift on invite, so everyone, not wanting to come empty handed, gave me alcohol. Too funny, was set for absolutely ages🤣. At least it was useful at some point.

Nothing more frustrating than people who moan about celebrations centred around themselves but they have expected everyone else to guess. Even with our kids birthdays, from as young as possible they chose their own cakes. Don’t like it? Too bad, so sad, you chose it! It’s about taking control so as to avoid disappointment. For my 40th and 50th I didn’t expect a gift from family as I don’t agree with the concept (Hallmark stuff) but just in case they decided to anyway, I gave them an online link to exactly what I wanted. No guessing, no frustration, no disappointment. As an adult, you don’t need a gift at all, let alone a surprise gift like a young kid would appreciate.

The fact you think that looking after teenagers constitutes a thankless job says a lot about you! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, put a smile on your face and engage with them. If you get so little pleasure out of caring for them I wonder why you had them in the first place!
You have shrugged off all the replies you have received that were meant to help you, and it’s clear there is no reasoning with you. Your mind is set!
Sounds like there’s no pleasing you, and I do not envy your family at all.
I won’t apologise for being harsh. I am now out of here!

This !

No excuse not to wrap it with care